DH just won't stop spending

Charlies_Mummy

Hello all

My DH has always been a bit of a spendthrift. I'm not perfect with money by any means but I tend to wait until we can afford something before buying. DH will buy whatever he wants, regardless of whether or not we have the funds for it.

About 2 years ago, when I was heavily pregnant with our third child, we were in a lot of debt, mainly credit cards and an overdraft. We took out a consolidation loan, paid everything off and have been managing well since then. DH earns well (50k ish), so I think he thinks he can buy whatever he likes with no regard for essential bills such as the mortgage, utilities and food. Slowly his spending habits have crept up again. I do a weekly food shop and really budget and meal plan to keep expenditure at a minimum. He generally spends an extra £50 or so each week on things from the shop, and takeaways. He can't make do with what we have in the cupboards, fridge and freezer. If he wants something he'll just go and buy it. His hobbies cost a lot, in the past week he's spent near on a thousand getting equipment for one of them. A thousand that we really don't have.

Yesterday morning I was sorting through some paperwork and I found a credit card bill of his, upopened. As we decided not to use our cards any more when we sorted our debts out, I fully expected the balance to be nil. I opened the envelope as DH never opens his post and to my shock the balance was £1500. Again, spent on bits for his hobby.

I'm not saying that I want DH to not buy anything ever, but I want him to rein his spending in and realise that as a father of 3 with a home to run he can't just keep spending or we will be in a mess again and will lose the house eventually if he carries on. I feel it's unfair that I'm budgetting like mad, meal planning, buying clothes for myself and the children from Primark, Ebay or charity shops, and generally trying to be sensible and then he goes and blows cash whenever he likes. Now despite all that expenditure he is saying that he is going to buy a new carpet for the living room and some other bits for the house. IMO they aren't essentials so we should go without them until we've saved enough for them.

Just to add, I am currently a SAHM. I know some might say "well he earns the money so can spend it how he likes", but I feel that I've been doing a worthwhile job, bringing up the children and keeping everything going in the home and that it's very much our money. He agrees it's our money, I think he is just very childlike at times and can't be sensible with it. I have decided today though that I'm going to look for a part time job, hopefully a care job working a nightshift or two per week to help with the finances and so that I have a little financial independence.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Charlies_Mummy

Just bumping up

Tropez

Do you budget using a spreadsheet program like Excel? In my opinion, it might be worthwhile to budget clearly and concisely in Excel, detailing incomings and outgoings as it should be, and then using that information create another spreadsheet but adding on his outgoings, including any interest rates from credit cards, store cards etc. and present it to him. If you were to show him the latter spreadsheet at a projection of say 24 months, it might convince him that he can no longer spend to such high levels and it also doesn't really set a good example for his kids. A study published in the last few days showed how teenagers in the UK have ludicrous expectations of their salary (some kids think that £60k per year is an expected wage for around age 30) and he has a responsibility as a parent to ensure that his children receive a good degree of financial education.

I think it would also be a good idea to forcibly involve him more in the budgeting side of things.

BitterAndTwisted

it's not necessarily financial independence that you need. I have a feeling that if you start bringing some wages into the house your husband will see it as more spendy-spends available for his hobbies and whatnot.

The very first thing I would do would be to have a quiet and rational discussion with him about why he's run up yet another joint-debt without your consent. To my mind that's highly selfish and disrespectful. Especially as it sounds like you're doing everything that could be expected of you to keep the unnecessary spending down.

What are these hobbies of his that are so precious and very expensive?

kazwookie

Show him your / his monthly expenses, such as Mortagage, food, water, gas electric, stuff for the kids, outings, nursery, car Mot etc etc.

Ask him what would happen if he lost his job for what ever reason.

I see he earns £50K, to suddenly lose this would be a major blow.

You really need to talk to him in detail once you have got your figures together.

pigpen

Take the credit cards.. yours and his and chop them up.. my mother asked my stepdad for his.. just to check something on it.. so he handed it over and she chopped it in half.. lol..

I almost killed myself getting debts paid off on less than half what you hubby earns.. he needs a severe wake up call..

But then.. I do have to wonder where your money goes if your hubby is earning so much.. that is twice what we have coming in and we manage quite nicely! .. I don't want you to answer as it is none of my business.. but it is a lot of money per month to 'disappear' I think I would struggle to spend it all!.. I think you both need to sit down and have an adult discussion about it.. work out a budget together.. and if needs be have separate accounts for your own 'spending money' at a reasonable level.

Charlies_Mummy

Thank you everyone.

Tropex, yes I budget with a spreadsheet; good idea about showing him a projection for 24 months time to show him what will happen if he carries on spending.

Bitterandtwisted, I think you're very right that he'd see my wages as more spendies for him. I have my own account that the child benefit is paid into and for which he doesn't have a card so I could have my wages paid into there. It's probably best that I dont' say what his hobby is as it might make me identifiable to people who may know me in real life. Trust me, it's an expensive one though. I try to talk to him calmly but he reverts into child mode, ie I'll say "Why are you using your credit card again?" and he'll say "Because you're gorgeous" or something equally childish.

Kazwookie, he doesn't seem bothered about what would happen if he lost his job, he just sees the spends as his to spend, now.

Pigpen, yes you're right he does need a big wake up call. I've tried talking to him but he seems incapable of having an adult discussion about money. I agree, 50k is a lot of money to just disappear, which is my point of posting this thread really, because I need him to stop just letting it disappear :-(

pigpen

I try to talk to him calmly but he reverts into child mode, ie I'll say "Why are you using your credit card again?" and he'll say "Because you're gorgeous" or something equally childish.

And you reply.. 'I am fully aware of that but why are you spending money we cannot be frittering and not answering my question in an adult manner?'

and go on and on and on and on..

As ridiculous as it is I would be tempted to stash the mortgage money in an account away from the normal one and not pay the mortgage.. see if a few calls from the bank stir him up.. extreme is me!

I must say my stepdad is the same.. he thinks because he earns the money he has a right to spend every penny and some on whatever he pleases.. which is often leaving them short for the mortgage..

January20

What about giving him (and you) a set amount of money to spend every month, as pocket money? So you work out how much is left after you have paid all the bills and savings (if you save anything) then you decide on a certain amount that you can each spend each month. You could have a bills account where you would transfer a certain amount to cover all the bills, and you will have to cut up the credit cards of course.

This way seems fairer to me as you both get spending money. It seems unfair that you buy your clothes from Primark and he spends thousands on his hobby!

ailuro2

I agree, sit down and work out the budget for the household, a plan to pay back the credit card balance ( and of course he needs to cut it up) don't forget to budget for things like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, kid's clothes.

Then put aside half of what is left over to cover the cost of future purchases such as carpets / cars.

then with the balance give him 2/3 and you take 1/3 for yourself. Get a hobby that takes you out of the house at least once a week, on your own, no kids in tow.

Get a separate account for yourself and use it just for yourself, not for anything else.

This way he's getting twice as much of the disposable income as you are, he can't really argue with that, can he?;)

belfastgirl23

I really don't see any point in laying down the law, setting him a budget etc. He'll feel trapped and resentful (and will probably get another cc behind your back) and you'll feel annoyed that you have to be the only grown up in the relationship. I think you need to ask him to come up with a solution, preferably without any recriminations. Ask him how you'll be able to cope as the kids get older and more expensive. Ask him for advice on how to make the budget work. Try to be matter of fact would be my advice.

In the end, he needs to come around to the idea rather than you telling him what to do, that strategy is doomed from the start.

I don't know where you are in the DFW cycle but I would also advise that you think about doing the exact opposite of Martin's normal advice, and start saving rather than scraping by to pay off debt. Maybe your DH is one of those people who thinks a certain level of debt is ok. IN which case, despite it being counterintuitive, it might be worth putting at least some of your spare cash towards savings (covertly obviously) rather than towards creating what he will see as spare capacity in your debt...

Good luck!