DH just won't stop spending

pozalina

I kind of agree with pps about there being little mileage in doing a budget etc. I'm wondering how you managed to get him to rein in his spending the last time? You said you had been managing well since you consolidated etc. 2 years ago - how did he manage to control his spending all that time? Did he realise how serious it was last time when things got really bad?

smiths84

I really really sympathise and am in the same position. I have been trying to change my husband's freewheeling attitude to money for 20 years. I have tried every strategy under the sun - cajoling, ignoring, moaning, joint accounts, sole accounts - all have failed. Its not just the spending. He bins stuff all the time that could be sold/recycled/given away or stuff that I love like back issues of my favourite mags. It drives me mad. I think it comes down to a fundamental difference in our attitude to money, but also he is sort of reacting against my frugalness - I'm sure if i was the spendthrift he would be the opposite - that's just how these things go sometimes in relationships. But because he's so wary of my disapproval he does things behind my back - the other day I accidentally found out he had taken out a 10,000 loan to "invest" (ie gamble) on the stockmarket. I was devastated and as a result, he's promised to be honest with me about money in future but I have subsequently done two things:

Transferred a number of the regular bills into his name - so he has a better idea of how much it all actually costs..

Stepped up my money saving!!!!

I actually think I'm going to have to learn to live with it. I've tried to protect myself financially - we have no loans in joint names and the mortgage is in mine - and I've decided if he wants to get into debt then that's his business. Yes ultimately it affects us a family - we have less for outings, treats and holidays because of his spending - but I'd rather live with that than give myself grey hairs and a stroke by stressing and moaning about it all the time...

sorry this probably isn't at all helpful but I really do know how you feel..

floss2

Does he have any idea how much a weekly shop costs? Or how much your monthly mortgage payment is?

RuthnJasper

Oh dear, Charlie'sMummy, what a difficult situation.

It does sound, to me, like he doesn't want to face the reality of growing up. I think the previous posters on this thread have all said what I would've done.

However, you could also ask him how he foresees the prospects of Charlie's future, if his dad cannot get a mature grip on his finances, now. Ask him what would happen if, God forbid, something were to happen to you both and what sort of life Charlie would have to face if his father had been spending every penny (and even more pennies than) he earned? Who will help the adult Charlie out with his university accommodation or a deposit for his first house if his parents have no money and, by that time, no credit either? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - but I think only something fairly extreme is going to make your DH think seriously about this issue.

Also, your DH shouldn't be shuffling around, behind your back, getting credit cards (naughty boy...;)!). Good job the bill was £1500 and not £15,000!!! :eek:

I wonder if anything could be gained by going, together, to see a debt advisor at the local CAB? It might help to reinforce that you are being both practical and sensible and not just "nagging".

Good luck with this issue - hope you're able to get things settled. xx

Percy1983

It sound much like my dad, yet he has much less income and growing debts, I was shocked to find out my parents mortgage is more now than it was when it started after paying it for 25 years.

With his find of income there must be a surplus every month which is quite reasonable, its worth trying to get it into him that he must live in the surplus after all debts are paid.

Just on a wider question do people marry knowing there partners are like this or does it happen after marriage? I say this as I am engaged to a women who has very similar views on financial (and other) things in life.

January20

Percy1983 wrote: »

It sound much like my dad, yet he has much less income and growing debts, I was shocked to find out my parents mortgage is more now than it was when it started after paying it for 25 years.

With his find of income there must be a surplus every month which is quite reasonable, its worth trying to get it into him that he must live in the surplus after all debts are paid.

Just on a wider question do people marry knowing there partners are like this or does it happen after marriage? I say this as I am engaged to a women who has very similar views on financial (and other) things in life.

I married somebody who turned out to be bad with money. With hindsight, the signs were there of him having this tendency to borrow money (from parents, friends), spend what he had on silly things, but I didn't realise it could be so damaging to a relationship.

As the relationship progressed, we got married, etc he got a loan for a car and then a credit card and he just got worse and worse. I was probably too weak to voice any concerns at the time (I thought it was just irrational fear), and it wasn't out of hand yet, but then I realised he would rather spend the money in the pub with his mates than pay the rent and problems started...

To answer your question, I think at first it was quite endearing this generosity, this laid back attitude towards money. It didn't feel like it would be a problem. Until it became one and then it was too late of course.

Percy1983

Interesting, thanks for the answer it was in no way an attack I just see many posts on here with similar issues and could never understand. Dare I say in our relationship both our financial habbits have been stripped down and looked at and plans have been made with us both cutting back, with that the only for a young couple to get anywhere these days is to work together which may cause less problems like this in the future.

I will say I was the main lead in sorting out our joint finances here and what we did was agree a pocket money level which was £100 each, she agreed to this as that is more than enough once the bills are paid. I then told here to either keep track of her spending, she did get quite upset in month one as the cost of all here trips to the garage for chocolate while at work soon added up and she was well over budget.

In short we made a plan and agreed a budget and could see the goal, when shown that if she carrys on with her current habbits we would miss the target the realisation hit home.

I think you may need to try a similar thing here, there will be something which will make him see the problem.

Mojisola

Charlies_Mummy wrote: »

My DH has always been a bit of a spendthrift. I'm not perfect with money by any means but I tend to wait until we can afford something before buying. DH will buy whatever he wants, regardless of whether or not we have the funds for it.

smiths84 wrote: »

I really really sympathise and am in the same position. I have been trying to change my husband's freewheeling attitude to money for 20 years. I have tried every strategy under the sun - cajoling, ignoring, moaning, joint accounts, sole accounts - all have failed.

I don't know how you cope with these partners. This kind of behaviour would be a relationship breaker for me.

paddy's_mum

Mojisola wrote: »

This kind of behaviour would be a relationship breaker for me.

It would be for me too. However, it has been my observation that it is not the money matters or debt itself that breaks up marriages, but the deceit, lies and dishonesty towards the spouse that so often accompany them.

pozalina

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It would be for me too. However, it has been my observation that it is not the money matters or debt itself that breaks up marriages, but the deceit, lies and dishonesty towards the spouse that so often accompany them.

Yes, I think for me it would be the unbelievable stress I would feel at this situation, and fear for my family's future. The feeling that my oh did not seem to care about the rest of his family's needs would make me angry.