Please help desperate for some advice re contact issues

mrsspendalot

My solicitor last year told my ex that no overnight contact would be agreed to without him providing confirmation of the address where they would be sleeping. They certainly didn't make me feel like I was being awkward or OTT for wanting to know where my children were whilst out of my care. It was very important to me to have some peace of mind that if I needed to get hold of them in an emergency I could. My ex is a serial phone caller dodger, so I can't rely on him to answer his phone to me, particularly if his girlfriend is around.

Frith

Reading this thread with interest as my ex moved in with a new girlfriend last weekend as is also not telling me where he lives. :-S

foxyladyx

Can I just say a big thank you for everyone who responded to my post!!

You are so kind to me and have confirmed my instinict that I am being walked all over again. For 5 1/2 years I offered as much contact as possible in the believe it was best for the boys. But he let them down time after time and it was only after I finally snapped and refused to bow to his change of agreed time to drop children off (because he had a party to go to!!)

We had agreed for children to be dropped off at 5pm but at lunchtime I received a text telling me he would be dropping them back at 3pm, I said I would not be home till 5 the agreed time. He said fine I'll drop off at 7pm!! I say no eldest has school, he refuses. So I alter my plans having lunch with bf and say I will be back at 5 or he will have to keep them overnight. I go home and wait, no kids, no reply to texts or calls. So I go and stay at bf house. 10pm I get abusive phone call saying i'm an unfit f!!!!!! mother and see you in court!! I'm distressed and in tears phone friend to organize for dad to drop off kids in morning at hers and then she bring to me, he refuses!!
Next day refuses to answer phone, don't know where he lives other than town!! have to phone police and they get involved he refuses to let child go to school, I have to spend day at solicitors and then court! judge can't believe what is going on!!!

Issues Dad to attend court next day and police insist dad brings kids back home... I have never got over the look on my sons face seeing him that night after what he had been put through, police couldn't believe what dad was like and language used infront of kids.

Anyhow judge issues Residance in my favour and dad only requests sunday contact 9-5!! CAFCASS cannot believe that is all he wants. Interim order made for contact made and to be reviewd in 3 months.

3 months later has failed to see kids in previous 6weeks!! judge discharges order and suggests that I wait and see if dad makes conatct and that he has to make application to court to show his commitment.

He made no attempt and therefore did not see his kids for 1/2 years until I get cancer.

Now same thing happening again and reading all the messages I know that my only way forward is via him having to make an application to the court because then I know he is commited to seeing his kids. At the moment he has shown no commitment other than to attack me in his letter, same old story!!

Why do I wish for contact? because I believe that kids need both parents and it should be their choice, however, I now realise that yet again it is not in their best interest for me to agree to a man to look after them if he see's it wrong for me to know where they are living.

He deliberatly wants to control me by using kids to let me down, he see's him having the kids as my time to go out and therefore if at the last min he says can't have them then that mess's my weekend up!! not that he is letting his kids down.

They are getting old enough 6 and 9 to know what is going on and I am fed up covering for him.

Lets wait and see if he makes anymore attempt to see the kids... I don't think he will... very sad but maybe the best for the children.

They need a dad who see's them as planned and who wants to see them ... commitment!!!

xxx

Zoetoes

foxyladyx wrote: »

.


Why do I wish for contact? because I believe that kids need both parents and it should be their choice, however, I now realise that yet again it is not in their best interest for me to agree to a man to look after them if he see's it wrong for me to know where they are living.

They are getting old enough 6 and 9 to know what is going on and I am fed up covering for him.

Lets wait and see if he makes anymore attempt to see the kids... I don't think he will... very sad but maybe the best for the children.

They need a dad who see's them as planned and who wants to see them ... commitment!!!

xxx

I know where you are coming from about having both parents but the kid's won't get over a birthday that dad missed, he's clearly not bothered and as you say, at 6 and 9 they know what's going on and it must be horrible for them.

If he doesn't see them again so be it, it's better to have one fantastic parent.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Zoetoes wrote: »

I know where you are coming from about having both parents but the kid's won't get over a birthday that dad missed, he's clearly not bothered and as you say, at 6 and 9 they know what's going on and it must be horrible for them.

If he doesn't see them again so be it, it's better to have one fantastic parent.

Sorry to pick up on your post but...

The kids WILL get over it as long as its not made a bid deal of

Zoetoes

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Sorry to pick up on your post but...

The kids WILL get over it as long as its not made a bid deal of

I don't think the little boy will forget about it even when he's grown up.

meritaten

foxyladyx - I do understand that you want your children to have contact and a good relationship with BOTH parents and in an Ideal world that would happen.
Unfortunately your ex sees the kids as weapons to use against you, to my mind. If he was a good person for your children to know, to look up to and respect I can understand fighting tooth and nail to keep contact.
But, he isnt. Perhaps your children would actually be better off not having him in thier lives? At least until they are adults and can view him as another adult with flaws?
TBH, in another ten years perhaps he will have grown up enough that he will WANT a relationship with them? right now, I get the feeling he views them as YOUR kids, and only his when he wants to assert his rights.