Advise please, property for Son.

pmlindyloo

Neither of my two share with friends. One went on Gumtree and the other was told about it by a friend of a friend. Both have had good and bad experiences but hey, that's life.

I went to work in El Salvador and had to share with a complete stranger when I was younger - did me the world of good. Sets you up to know about living with people and makes you take a long hard look at yourself.

Sorry if I come across as being uncaring, but I am very proud of my two and what they have achieved (and their attitude to money) and I know that tough love does work. My daughter has even said that I was right about setting ground rules when she lived at home and trust me, you would never have thought she would say that if you had been listening in to the arguments we had at the time!

Hang in there. It does get better!:)

ps Have just seen your post. My attitude was to close the door to their bedrooms. If they wanted to live in a pig sty then they could. Eventually they would get thoroughly sick of it themselves and do something about it.
Cleaning themselves is a little more difficult! How does he cope at work? or is he just slobbing at home?

Sues48

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Neither of my two share with friends. One went on Gumtree and the other was told about it by a friend of a friend. Both have had good and bad experiences but hey, that's life.

I went to work in El Salvador and had to share with a complete stranger when I was younger - did me the world of good. Sets you up to know about living with people and makes you take a long hard look at yourself.

Sorry if I come across as being uncaring, but I am very proud of my two and what they have achieved (and their attitude to money) and I know that tough love does work. My daughter has even said that I was right about setting ground rules when she lived at home and trust me, you would never have thought she would say that if you had been listening in to the arguments we had at the time!

Hang in there. It does get better!:)

Thanks, i don't think you came accross as uncaring at all. When he got his first job after graduating I told him I want £50.00pw for his board, he was horrified as none of his friends were paying nearly as much as this, but he shut up and put up when I pointed out that he wouldn't be able to find anywhere else to live for this amount of money.

Catblue

OP, of course it is desirable to your son to live at yours for £50 per week.

But it is YOUR house and you decide which adults live there. Best thing is to tell him that now he is employed he needs to be looking for a houseshare within 3 months. That gives him plenty of time to get himself sorted. In the meantime, make rigid plans for that bedroom of his - surely you need a study? Tell him that you are turning the bedroom into a study and do it on the day that you have given him a deadline to leave. Make sure there is no bed in that room and if the renovations take months, well all the better.

If he is not clean and tidy and gets kicked out of the houseshare then GOOD. He will have learned that his behaviour is unacceptable so either he changes his ways or he looks for new accommodation every couple of months for the next decade. My feeling is that he will shape up quite quickly.

You mention that he is your eldest son - so presumably you have younger children still at home? If that is the case, then it is even more important that the younger children learn that this sort of behaviour will not be rewarded with the parents buying him a house.

If you did go ahead and buy your son a house (which is a terrible idea by the way), then surely your other children would expect similar when they make things difficult at home? Will you be buying a house for your next child also?

Time to get tough. If not for your own sakes, then for the sakes of your other children.

Sues48

Work is OK I think he saves his slobbiness for home:eek:

Sues48

Catblue wrote: »

OP, of course it is desirable to your son to live at yours for £50 per week.

But it is YOUR house and you decide which adults live there. Best thing is to tell him that now he is employed he needs to be looking for a houseshare within 3 months. That gives him plenty of time to get himself sorted. In the meantime, make rigid plans for that bedroom of his - surely you need a study? Tell him that you are turning the bedroom into a study and do it on the day that you have given him a deadline to leave. Make sure there is no bed in that room and if the renovations take months, well all the better.

If he is not clean and tidy and gets kicked out of the houseshare then GOOD. He will have learned that his behaviour is unacceptable so either he changes his ways or he looks for new accommodation every couple of months for the next decade. My feeling is that he will shape up quite quickly.

You mention that he is your eldest son - so presumably you have younger children still at home? If that is the case, then it is even more important that the younger children learn that this sort of behaviour will not be rewarded with the parents buying him a house.

If you did go ahead and buy your son a house (which is a terrible idea by the way), then surely your other children would expect similar when they make things difficult at home? Will you be buying a house for your next child also?

Time to get tough. If not for your own sakes, then for the sakes of your other children.

Yes, I've got a younger son but he is only 15 so the issue of him moving out won't arise for a few years, but to be honest he's a totally different personality to my eldest, much more easy going, fastidious with his appearance and personal hygene, and although his bedroom does get messy he will tidy it when asked without any arguements, so I'm hoping for an easier ride 2nd time round!

pmlindyloo

Don't bank on getting an easier ride next time!!!!!!

All the more reason to be firm now and then you may get an easier ride - at least your younger son will have witnessed how you deal with things.

You do need to keep a sense of humour (difficult I know!) and try to be cool, calm and collected (I have no idea why I am saying this as I was like a woman possessed!)

What does your husband think of all this? (This could possibly be a long shot as most men I know don't see dirt/dust/mess and think women are nagging!) Could he have a quiet word man to man? 'Son, your mother is getting upset about.................... and, by the way, you stink.'

Am half joking and realise that if my experiences are anything to go by, you will have to keep nagging, keep screaming like a banshee (I don't even know what one is but it sounds right!)and keep spraying the air freshener whenever he is around.

The only thing that kept me sane was meeting up with friends and having a good moan over several glasses of wine!

Annisele

Sues48 wrote: »

I think DS would be quite happy carrying on living here for £50.00pw everything included, as would I if he would be prepared to buck his ideas up instead of living like a complete slob.

Well there's your problem!

Work out how much it actually costs to keep him - the food he eats, plus 1/3 of council tax (assuming three adults), plus 1/4 of all other bills (assuming four people in the house). Then add some reasonable figure for the roof over his head (I'd go for 1/4 of the amount it would cost to rent your house). Maybe knock 10% or so off your total as a friends and family discount - or maybe add 10% if you really want him to move out!

Tell your son that you've been happy to have him stay for a nominal amount of £50 per week on a short term basis, but as it's looking like a longer term arrangement the cost will go up to [figure calculated above] in six weeks time.

poppysarah

Stop cleaning his room. Don't clear up after him. Put him on the washing up and cooking rota.

He needs to buck up his ideas if he's to stay so point this out to him.

Do not iron his shirts either!

Tough love is needed.

Just think how sick you'll feel if he was in a house you bought slowly turning it into a tip!

Would you evict him for not paying the rent?

BitterAndTwisted

Sue: I honestly don't want to appear judgemental but I really don't think that you are doing your eldest son any favours long-term by tolerating his present behaviour at home. Pick your battles: insist that he's responsible for keeping his own room clean and tidy and if it isn't the door needs to be firmly shut to avoid contaminating the rest of the house. What he does in the rest of YOUR HOME is your business. Instead of thinking about buying a house for him to live in I would be concentrating on thoughts of the the "shape up or ship out" variety. If he's disrespectful and objectionable at home he doesn't really deserve for a house to be bought for him, does he?

In my long experience of life it often appears to me that those who get things handed to them on a plate never really attach much value to them. I'm sorry if this sounds unkind but your son sounds like the sort who would have no respect for any house you bought, would invite mates round 24/7 and very likely turn the place into a pig-sty in a fortnight. Meanwhile he will have learned nothing.

pmlindyloo

I'm sorry if this sounds unkind but your son sounds like the sort who would have no respect for any house you bought, would invite mates round 24/7 and very likely turn the place into a pig-sty in a fortnight. Meanwhile he will have learned nothing.[/QUOTE]


In my experience this sounds exactly what most house shares are like so your son would probably really enjoy himself!:rotfl: