I don't know what to do..( about OH)

Sadlonelymum

Hi, I'm here under a new name, as I know the OH would know who I was. Sorry in advance for the long post!

I feel really sad, as I am stuck, and don't know what to do... I know what my brain tells me, but my heart tells me different.:(

I've been with OH for about 8 years, he moved in with me when I was expecting our child, and I had children from my previous marraige who were young teens back then. He was a 1st time dad, and used to suffer with depression, so found it hard going coming to live with the family, but to be honest, didn't really make much of an effort with the kids. I should've seen the signs, and acted then, but I was scared of being alone with the new one, as I'd been a single mum after a divorce for a long, long time, and really wanted this to work.

I was probably a bit scared of him leaving and being alone with a child who was from a broken home, as thats not what anyone wants for their children, and it was really hard for the older ones never having their father around.


While our new one was small, there were various things going on with the older ones, exams stress, upsets about girlfriends, usual stuff, but OH always found it hard to deal with- I never asked him to actually deal with any of it, it would have just been nice if at the end of the day he was supportive, and showed some care towards them, as in the middle of a teen argument they'd say he didn't like them.

He did, and does, and says he loves them, but he rarely shows it.
Things improved over the next couple of years, and we became more settled, the older ones were happier, and apart from the odd row, all was fine. It got so lovely between us that he proposed last year, and we are engaged, I was so so happy!

fast fowrward a bit... I only have one of the older daughters left at home, others are older and moved out to work/uni etc.. so it's just the 4 of us. Nice and quiet you'd think-hmm. My daughter has a boyfriend my OH doesn't like, I don't either, but I don't see the point in driving her away over it.. one day she'll see he's no good ( she often comes home in tears, they split, then she goes out with him a few weeks later, so she's pretty confused and one day I hope she doesn't bother seeing him again), but until then, my job is as always, be there for her, listen if she needs me etc. To be honest she hardly mentions him to us, as as soon as she does, OH turns to stone. He walks off, or stares at the Tv as if she doesn't exist.

He's got really off with her again recently, he has this thing about being 'man of the house'.. drives me nuts, but niow it affects my daughter... I.e. she was watching a Tv show, he walked in, decided he was top dog of the house, so took the remote and wanted to turn over. I found that really rude, and treating her as if she was an unwanted guest!
he wouldn't listen, so went to bed.
Then we decided to book a camping trip for a couple of days, he wont even consider inviting her as he wants it to be just me, him & our kiddie. But, he gets horrible about letting her stay here with supervision ( she's 18, at college) aqnd expects her to move out for a week.
He was really nasty on our way out the other day in the car, so later I texted him, as i find it hard to talk openly to him about feelings, he says I'm being silly. I asked him to stop picking at me, stop moaning about everything, as he moans a lot bout little things, a sock found on the carpet, the lawn needs mowing, I bought something without asking...and I said it has to stop, as otherwise i felt I had madw a wrong decision to get engaged. he flew off the handle later when I saw him, and stomed about telling me I'd never cope on my own, and never be able to afford anything, or live, as 'he earns a good wage, so demands respect'.
Then half hr later he was all hugs again.

So tonight my daughter goes out, meets the bf, comes home upset, I ask is she ok, knock at door, its the bf, obviously they argued, so she went for a walk with him to chat. OH instantly gets riled up, how dare she see him, she lives here, I provide for her, she's ungrateful, she ought to be grateful we even bother to feed her, dont make her dinner anymore... etc etc.. a right rant.
Yet........... he is a wonderfully loving dad to his child. They are so close ..
Which is why I don't know what to do.
***edited**
I have to care about and for my daughter, as I'm her only real parent... I dont indulge her, far from it.

OH and i seem to be becoming more distant lately, his attitudes towards the older kids stinks mostly, he thinks he's the bees knees because he has a good wage, and thinks I'd never cope as a lone mum again ( i work pt, but evenings, so if he left I'd have to try and find work fitting around school times), he goes cold on me for months, where I cuddle him and make a 'move', he turns his back on me, as he feels he can't be 'happy and sexy' if i haven't done my job properly that particular week.. ie the housework!

he needs a '50s housewife, which i am not.

But my kiddie dotes on him, totally adores him, ries if he even has to stay away on a work conference for a night. I love him, but dislike the attitude that surfaces every few weeks, and doubt i can live with is for years & years. Yes, my daughter is close to the age where she may move out in a year or 2.
She doesn't smoke, drink, have p[arties, anything like that, yet he makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home, and puts me in the middle, and i cannnot deal with his drama tantrums so he ends up going to bed, while i stay and have a quiet chat with daughter.

I know in my head I'd be better off alone, but I can't bear the thought of upsetting the little one after seeing how it affected one of my teens a few years back.:(
I also know i would have a few panics, about managing the money, all that stuff, but I can do it if i need to.. i think I'm just hoping one day he'll stay in the nice moods, and we'll live happily, and finally have our dream wedding, but I think that'd be living in cloud cuckoo land!
What would you do?

Thank you for reading all this, even if you skip, it's made me feel a bit better getting it all down off my chest

Emmzi

So.

You are teaching your kids it is ok for a woman to be treated like rubbish, for the sake of "the family".

And your daughter that she does not matter as much as the other kids.

And after years of trying it is clear your OH is not going to change.

I believe you already know what to do, and not just for yourself - for your children's future families.

Tiddlywinks

Only you can decide whether the dynamics of your relationship are viable, acceptable and right for you.

You have a daughter that needs assistance - you're her mum, that's part the job description. Is she repeating in her relationship what she sees in yours with your OH?

With your shared little one, again, you are setting an example (good or bad, you decide) of how relationships between mummy and daddy should be - you are setting the 'norm'.... is that a good example?

It is interesting that your other children have left home already - in these economic times the majority of kids are hanging around at home for as long as possible. Did yours feel they had to move out?

Strangers on a forum can't tell you to stay or go; if they do, they are likely to be speaking from their own experiences and they are not you!

Seek counselling - I guess it will have to be on your own - to explore what you really want and need. It is not just you that is impacted here, there are two of your children directly involved as well.

Also, be prepared - the details in this post are specific enough for you to be identified if your OH reads it.... how many others would fit this scenario on here? Man meets woman with teens, has baby, OH throws bottles at mum in argument in car, has 18 yo step daughter at college who argues with BF and then OH says don't feed her, the OH used to be religeous.... see what I mean? If your OH does read this forum regularly then I think you will be rumbled.

eeeeeee

the two replies that you have been given are truelly very honest and very good and i can only add that i wish i was there too give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be ok in the end

LittleMissMPB

The only thing I can think of to say, is that if you are unhappy with him and think you would be happier alone, do it sooner rather than later. The younger the littlest one is the quicker s/he will get over it. I split from my ex when my daughter was 18months old, she did get upset, but I knew it was for the best. I made sure he saw her regularly - ie not refusing to take her over, letting him take her out, and within about a week she had gotten used to it and got used to seeing him twice a week. Kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for sometimes, and at a young age they won't be able to remember it very well when they are older. A baby won't question the usual things "was it my fault, doesn't he love me anymore", but will just grow up with things the way they are.

I would also agree to be careful... as pp said, there is enough details in the post for him to know who you are.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

Mojisola

Sadlonelymum wrote: »

I was scared of being alone with the new one, as I'd been a single mum after a divorce for a long, long time, and really wanted this to work.

I was probably a bit scared of him leaving and bwing alone with a child who was from a broken home, as thats not what anyone wants for their children, and it was really hard for the older ones never having their father around.

We used to row quite a lot, he used to get a bit angry, I remmber once I said I wanted to get out the car as he was getting cross while driving, so It worried me with the baby in the car, so he just got the baby botles and threw then at me in the back seat. The next day he was apologetic and we sat and talked properly, so we sorted things out.

He did, and does, and says he loves them, but he rarely shows it.

To be honest she hardly mentions him to us, as as soon as she does, OH turns to stone. He walks off, or stares at the Tv as if she doesn't exist.

He's got really off with her again recently, he has this thing about being 'man of the house'.. drives me nuts, but niow it affects my daughter... I.e. she was watching a Tv show, he walked in, decided he was top dog of the house, so took the remote and wanted to turn over. I found that really rude, and treating her as if she was an unwanted guest!
he wouldn't listen, so went to bed.

Then we decided to book a camping trip for a couple of days, he wont even consider inviting her as he wants it to be just me, him & our kiddie. But, he gets horrible about letting her stay here with supervision ( she's 18, at college) aqnd expects her to move out for a week.

he flew off the handle later when I saw him, and stomed about telling me I'd never cope on my own, and never be able to afford anything, or live, as 'he earns a good wage, so demands respect'.
Then half hr later he was all hugs again.

OH instantly gets riled up, how dare she see him, she lives here, I provide for her, she's ungrateful, she ought to be grateful we even bother to feed her, dont make her dinner anymore... etc etc.. a right rant.

Yet........... he is a wonderfully loving dad to his child. They are so close.

OH and i seem to be becoming more distant lately, his attitudes towards the older kids stinks mostly, he thinks he's the bees knees because he has a good wage, and thinks I'd never cope as a lone mum again ( i work pt, but evenings, so if he left I'd have to try and find work fitting around school times), he goes cold on me for months, where I cuddle him and make a 'move', he turns his back on me, as he feels he can't be 'happy and sexy' if i haven't done my job properly that particular week.. ie the housework!

But my kiddie dotes on him, totally adores him, ries if he even has to stay away on a work conference for a night. I love him, but dislike the attitude that surfaces every few weeks, and doubt i can live with is for years & years.

She doesn't smoke, drink, have p[arties, anything like that, yet he makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home, and puts me in the middle, and i cannnot deal with his drama tantrums so he ends up going to bed, while i stay and have a quiet chat with daughter.

I know in my head I'd be better off alone, but I can't bear the thought of upsetting the little one after seeing how it affected one of my teens a few years back.:(

I've edited your post to pick out certain things - you're worried about going it alone again, he knows that's your vulnerable point and is using it to control you.

The more it seems as if you might be thinking of leaving, the more he will tell you that you're useless and won't be able to cope without him.

His relationship with his child is good now but is that just because the child loves Daddy and behaves how he wants? How is Dad going to be with his child when he/she starts to become independent and wants to do things Dad doesn't agree with?

Your daughter will be driven away soon by the way he is behaving towards her. Do you want her to feel that your home isn't her home any more?

Schwade

Maybe you should talk to him directly about this. If he doesn't listen, maybe you should direct him to this thread and see how he reacts. Communication is key.

balletshoes

you say you don't want to upset your little one, as she adores her Dad. I'm getting from your post that really this is the main reason you're staying in a relationship with your OH.

So let me ask you this - would it be fine and dandy with you if your youngest daughter grows up and marries a man just like her Dad? A man who wants a 50s housewife and the white picket fence around a perfectly manicured lawn, and struggles regularly with anything that doesn't fit that mould? A man who relies on being seen as "top dog" in a relationship based on his earning power, and not on showing respect for members of his immediate family?
I suspect your OH is so close and loving with your youngest child now because she is too young to see anything other than her adoring parents who are always right and who she has no life experience yet to question or to form her own opinions. As soon as she starts doing this (and she will, thats what kids do, and should do) your OH will no longer be the doting Dad - he'll start treating her the way he treats your older kids.

eta - sorry OP, I was assuming your littlest child is a girl, you haven't said this though. If its a boy, you're showing your son that its okay to treat women the way your OH treats you and your older kids.

cheepskate_2

Nobody can tell you what to do based on 1 side of a story. I am sure that given the chance your OH could well come up with just as bad a senario of yourself as you have of him. so really 2 sides really need to be seen to give adivce.

To take on teenagers is no mean feat in itself. Maybe the reason he is good with his own little one isnt to do with it being "his" but more the age thing. People deal with kids differently at various ages .

My DH is not so good at a younger age, but comes into his own at the teenage years, whilst i'm the opposite to him.

You need to speak to him, and also listen to him. If you want ot make a go of your marraige then both sides need to vent their opinion and by doing this (with marraige counc.) then both sides can be heard.

If you believe you want out of your relationship then by all means do so and get the help here to do it, but don't make up your mind based on the answers people here will give.

pearl123

If you were married he could try and lay down the law even more. I'd been inclined not to marry, as you don't sound entirely happy.
I would very much agree with the other poster who states that your youngest child would be picking up messages that it is ok to treat women this way.
"he feels he can't be 'happy and sexy' if i haven't done my job properly that particular week.. ie the housework!" Does he want a slave. Does he think that this is a womans purpurse in life - housework ? It appears so.
Don't jump into marriage - it won't make the relationship better. Speak to you OH and tell him how he makes you feel by his behaviour.

Mojisola

pearl123 wrote: »

If you we married he could try and lay down the law even more.

Added to this - are you in your own home? If you marry and then split up, he will have rights to a share of the property.