Real life MMD: Should he pay for his mistake?



  • pennypinchUK
    pennypinchUK Forumite Posts: 383 Forumite
    This is yet another "he said, she said" so-called moral dilemmas. Doubtless you'll get nowhere arguing with the best friend, so it's the usual answer - cut your losses and cancel, or tell your boyfriend about the party and let him decide (but he's a brave lad if he still goes away, rather than goes to the party you've planned!).
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 35,242
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    Ok,. So...

    You don't know when your boyfriend is in the country or not.
    His best friend is unable to arrange even a pretend night out properly.
    Your boyfriend randomly books flights out of the country without telling you.

    Hmm. With smarts like that, I'm guessing you probably haven't actually booked the venue, but dialled the local pizza place by mistake. Problem solved.
  • awehla
    awehla Forumite Posts: 109 Forumite
    Even if you've just started dating it is strange that your boyfriend didn't tell you his plans for his birthday. However it is not a dumping offence if he wants to go away and not include you. My boyfriend goes on a weekly skiing holiday without me every year because I went a couple of times and hate skiing and he has been doing it since childhood. However he has always consulted me about his plans for his holiday.

    Back to the "dilemma", sounds like if you can't move the party your boyfriends friend should offer to help out with any costs you've lost for the date mix up. However if he doesn't offer you can't make him pay. It was your decision to throw a surprise party and they always come with risks. I don't get surprise parties myself - a social nightmare for me.
  • ripongrammargirl
    ripongrammargirl Forumite Posts: 108
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Flights can be re-arranged at a cheaper cost than the venue and food, although you should only have paid a deposit with the balance being paid on the day of the party (standard at any venue). Why would you include a third person in your plans to organise a surprise party: never do that as too much can go wrong. Invites could have been sent out secretly and you only had to say you were taking him out for a meal on that date-no problems. Did an amazing retirement party for my dad, with months of planning and preparation, and it was so worth it when he walked into the venue (on false pretences of a drink) to find over 200 people there for him. Also, what kind of boyfriend goes away without you or even informing you? If you have been together long enough to be throwing him expensive surprise parties then it is outrageous he would go on hols without you, let alone even telling you! Weird and sounds like you are a bit of a doormat whilst he does what he wants. Get the venue to change the date, get him to change his flights or have the party without him if he can't be bothered, in which case it says exactly how he feels about you. Also univite the useless friend as he messed up big time- then again, only a man!!
  • djb77
    djb77 Forumite Posts: 17 Forumite
    It seems that his friend has forgotten to organise the "pretend" night out as well because the same friends would probably be going on the holiday. Also, wouldn't his friends be invited to his birthday party so when organising the trip they wouldn't be able to go because of the party.

    Does this mean that she has not sent out invitations yet and therefore, she is partly to blame. If the invitations had been sent then the holiday may not have been booked for that time.

    What seems strange is not that he is going on holiday without his girlfriend but that he has organised a holiday (without her) on or around his birthday instead of celebrating his birthday with her.
  • Augustus_the_Strong
    Augustus_the_Strong Forumite Posts: 321
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    It's always best to be open about things. What's the point of a surprise party anyway? Just a missed opportunity to look forward to something.
  • Seakay
    Seakay Forumite Posts: 4,264
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I don't think that you should cancel the party if the invitations have gone out as others may well have forgone treats, cancelled plans etc in order to be available.
    I think that you should go ahead with the party and if your boyfriend wants to continue with his holiday perhaps you could arrange a skype link or something or even an ordainary phone call so that he can hear himself and his best mate being slated/mocked in the speeches!
    As for cost, you presumably felt you could afford it and you did make the decision to entrust his best mate with a certain amount of responsibility; either you don't know the best mate (in which case why do it?) or you know him well in which case you know if he will offer to share costs. I don't think that you can demand that he does; in the end these are your arrangements.
  • Yer_Wee_Man
    Yer_Wee_Man Forumite Posts: 16
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Dead simple - However dim the friend is YOU CHOSE HIM and gave him vicarious responsibility. You obviously didn't communicate and confirm plans with him often enough or clearly enough. No doubt a genuine mistake but could have been so easily avoided. Re the flights it sounds like the party is not the only area of your life where early, regular and clear communication is seriously lacking !!

    Re the actual party, if you can't get a credit or change the date then look on the bright side and use it to the full - that way you can both have a bit of crack with your respective friends (albeit seperately) instead having a pop at each other.

  • Deal_Spotter
    Deal_Spotter Forumite Posts: 8 Forumite
    Why don’t people answer the question instead of posing possible solutions?
    For what its worth my answer is - Don’t be ridiculous. You asked for help, he tried but made a mistake, learn from it and move on.
  • Ben84
    Ben84 Forumite Posts: 3,069
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I'm puzzled by the comments to re-evaluate the relationship or even to just plain dump him over his booking a weekend away. First, we've only been told minimal details, it may be social or it may be totally work. However, what does it matter if it is a social weekend away?

    The OP is his girlfriend, she should of course expect to spend time with him and if he can afford to go on holidays to go on holidays with him, but should she really expect him to never do something without her for a weekend or leave the country without her ever? It's ok to do things separately sometimes and to have your own friends as well as shared friends and it can be healthy. It's about space and this helps because you can each take part in things that aren't shared interests (maybe he's off rock climbing or browsing museums and the OP doesn't enjoy the planned activities?). Having some individual friend groups also means you have friends who aren't in the middle between you if you need some relationship advice, which is a good thing for both of you.

    Weigh it up fairly, if he's always going away without you then you likely have a problem, but if you're getting to spend plenty of quality time with him as well then it doesn't have to be a problem. Provided the balance is right time apart to do things independently can be appreciated and valued by both.
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