money, relationships, families

gazebo

yes, at the moment my income is paying for our flat, including all bills. My partner is contributing to putting food on the table.

In theory I'm not supposed to be paying towards food, however, this does not work out at all as I'm often finding myself in the supermarket buying bits and bobs, which do all add up in the end.

Havin broken down my income and expenditure, I can just about afford to continue to pay everything until August, however, shopping trips etc need to stop.

The problem I have with my OH is they are not willing to sit down and draw up a real budget for food shopping, and a list of what we actually need, hence why we end up with me doing additional shops in between times.

In terms of what happens after August, the money going towards loan payments will become part of the split of household bills - however, I would prefer if we ended up as a 50/50 split (as we are on similar incomes) and we both then contributed equally to everything. I just know that regardless of if I have a seriously intense sit down conversation and laying of cards on the table, my OH will never really come around to this way of thinking.

The problems with my parents are not really helping with any of this either. They seem to think I'd be happier if I had a house and was settled down - but haven't actually asked me if this is what I want.

On top of the racism, there is also the reluctance to accept the fact I am in a same sex relationship, but that's another topic completely.

Thank you to you all so far though.

Mojisola

gazebo wrote: »

Havin broken down my income and expenditure, I can just about afford to continue to pay everything until August, however, shopping trips etc need to stop.

The problem I have with my OH is they are not willing to sit down and draw up a real budget for food shopping, and a list of what we actually need, hence why we end up with me doing additional shops in between times.

So get a handful of notes from your OH at the start of each month for all the extra shopping that you do.

In terms of what happens after August, the money going towards loan payments will become part of the split of household bills - however, I would prefer if we ended up as a 50/50 split (as we are on similar incomes) and we both then contributed equally to everything. I just know that regardless of if I have a seriously intense sit down conversation and laying of cards on the table, my OH will never really come around to this way of thinking.

That sounds worrying. If you're both on similar wages, why wouldn't your OH want to contribute their half?

The problems with my parents are not really helping with any of this either. They seem to think I'd be happier if I had a house and was settled down - but haven't actually asked me if this is what I want.

On top of the racism, there is also the reluctance to accept the fact I am in a same sex relationship, but that's another topic completely.

It probably isn't another topic if that's behind the problems your parents have with your OH - it may well be the heart of the problem.

You have to live your life and be who you are. It can be very hard if your family aren't supportive of your choices but you won't be happy if you try to become someone you aren't.

gazebo

again, all good points Mojisola, thank you.

I will go away and have think about thi

JodyBPM

gazebo wrote: »

In terms of what happens after August, the money going towards loan payments will become part of the split of household bills - however, I would prefer if we ended up as a 50/50 split (as we are on similar incomes) and we both then contributed equally to everything. I just know that regardless of if I have a seriously intense sit down conversation and laying of cards on the table, my OH will never really come around to this way of thinking.

.

Why do you allow this to happen? Assuming there is no very good reason for your OH to pay less (eg child maintenance for a child from a previous relationship, or perhaps clearing debts), then surely all bills should be split 50/50, no arguements?

Since things are going to change anyway in August, why not simply draw up a budget showing the total amount needed for household expenses, food shopping, rent, bills etc, and then just say to your partner that from August they will need to contribute £x (50% of the total) each month to the joint (or designated) account that all the bills/shopping etc comes out of. Don't ask what they want to contribute, just tell them what the will need to contribute - no arguements.

If they are not prepared to pay their way, or are happy having you left totally broke whilst they have plenty of play money, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Seriously.

gazebo

that's just it though, they don't have plenty of money left to play with every month either.

I guess what did get me goat most recently was the fact they couldn't see why I didn't have enough cash to cover the rent (without using overdraft for a couple of days) despite being paid more than normal that week - what did they think I used to purchase items from the supermarket? magic beans?

Mojisola

If I had started living with someone who was generous enough to fund all my living expenses while I paid off debts, I wouldn't be able to do enough for them. I would also be keen to show that, as soon as the debts were paid off, I would be paying my way.

If your OH is accepting your generosity while showing no appreciation of what you're doing, it doesn't sound as if they really value you.

BitterAndTwisted

I have a feeling that as soon as those debts are finally paid in August this partner will be off.

KiKi

I echo others' comments. Racist comments are never acceptable.

However, if they know you are paying ALL the rent, ALL the bills, SOME of the food, ALL the insurance, the council tax, TV licence etc...maybe they don't want to gift money to you when they think that your OH isn't paying his / her way. And TBH, I don't blame them. If I wanted to help my sister out, but knew her husband didn't contribute to the household and didn't seem to care that she was paying all the bills, then I wouldn't want the chance of him getting his hands on it. Not because I don't love my sister, but because the money would be intended to help, and I would be concerned there was a risk that he would squander it.

(I once gave a friend a large monetary gift because she was telling me how she could barely afford to eat. She bought a car with it. Whilst I can't stipulate what she spends the money on, and whilst some people would say I chose to gave her that gift - and they're right - I did it because of her situation which was not having enough cash to eat. She got a car and still couldn't afford to eat. Would I have given her the money if I thought she was going to buy a car? No, I wouldn't, I admit it.)

They may not know all your circumstances, but they can only take actions based on what they see and know, and they obviously see some behaviour that's concerning - and you yourself admit that you don't even split bills 90/10. So their concerns don't appear to be unfounded.

Perhaps you should just refuse the gift - or refuse it with the strings they're asking, but promise to make sure you spend it on things that matter and you need help with. But in the meantime, you definitely need a conversation with your partner about what you're going to do before August - it's still 4 months away, and will your OH start using that money, then, to pay half the bills? You need a serious talk with them about all this.

KiKi

gazebo

I agree fully with what you are saying Kiki and I am listening to what you all have to say.

I don't think my partner will be off come August though.

Will go away and think about all of this.

Thank you everyone

Plans_all_plans

No wonder he's in denial about your financial state: you are paying for EVERYTHING!

No wonder your parents don't like him (their racism aside) I certainly wouldn't be happy if my daughter lived with a bloke who didn't contribute: no way!

The way you'll get him to see how tight things are is by getting him to pay something toward the household. If he's unwilling to do this, then I'm afraid I don't think the relationship is likely to last past his debts being paid off.

ETA: If I were them I wouldn't offer to give you a gift of money til he was paying his way and more to the point, if I were you, I wouldn't accept any money from them until he started showing a bit of financial sense.