money, relationships, families

gazebo

This may be quite a long post, so I will apologise in advance if you do read it all.

Really I think my purpose of posting is to ask several questions to which I think you may have the answers (or at least will help me to unlock the answers in my own mind).

Why is it so difficult to get your significant other to understand that money really is tight and that we really aren't 'comfortable' and 'getting by' every month?

When raising the issue of paying bills etc, why does the OH not listen to the fact the balance isn't fair at the moment? (not asking for a 50/50 split, but a 90/10 split would be progress at the moment)

How do you deal with the issue of your family not getting along with your OH? This is as important of all of the above for the reasons below.

Is it possible to get family to understand that their behaviour is somewhat racist, albeit indirectly at times? All of which makes for very uncomfortable visits.

When being offered a significant amount of money to allow me to get on the property ladder again, is it wrong of me to feel strangled by the ever increasing list of conditions that are being placed on the gift? Not to mention the fact it's been made very clear that my OH is not really to be party to said gift of the decision making process?

After sitting reviewing things and pondering, asking for assistance of a far smaller amount now appears to have raised questions and caused angst - because the parents are convinced it's all the fault of my OH.

So.... now what?

Mojisola

gazebo wrote: »

Why is it so difficult to get your significant other to understand that money really is tight and that we really aren't 'comfortable' and 'getting by' every month?

When raising the issue of paying bills etc, why does the OH not listen to the fact the balance isn't fair at the moment? (not asking for a 50/50 split, but a 90/10 split would be progress at the moment)

After sitting reviewing things and pondering, asking for assistance of a far smaller amount now appears to have raised questions and caused angst - because the parents are convinced it's all the fault of my OH.

I've brought your last paragraph up to join these first two. When you see them together, doesn't it make you think that your parents have a point?

How do you deal with the issue of your family not getting along with your OH? This is as important of all of the above for the reasons below.

Is it possible to get family to understand that their behaviour is somewhat racist, albeit indirectly at times? All of which makes for very uncomfortable visits.

When being offered a significant amount of money to allow me to get on the property ladder again, is it wrong of me to feel strangled by the ever increasing list of conditions that are being placed on the gift? Not to mention the fact it's been made very clear that my OH is not really to be party to said gift of the decision making process?

The racism problem is a difficult one. There's very little you can do about other people's prejudices. If it is indirect, could it just be part of their feelings that this man is not the right one for you.

A "gift" shouldn't have strings attached. Your family obviously want to help you but they are also trying to protect you and their money.

Take a step back from the emotions around the relationship and see if there is any truth in what your family are saying.

gazebo

hmm, I see what you are saying.

I do feel though that my folks are making assumptions as well, having not bothered to ever ask questions and find out the full picture if you know what I mean.

Too many things to think about and not sure where to start, that's the problem really.

podperson

Tbh I have a similar problem with my OH not really seeming to get that we are struggling so can't be a lot of help there - will try and sit down and talk to him about how things are tight at the moment so have to cut back and he will nod and agree, then half an hour later will be asking if we can buy something or go out somewhere *sigh*
Regarding your family there seem to be a few different issues there - racist behaviour is not acceptable and I would be bringing them up very quickly on this. Is it deliberate or they maybe a bit old-fashioned and don't realise they are coming across that way? I know my grandma can come out with things that sound very racist on occasion but if we call her on it she doesn't mean anything by it.
While it's never nice for gifts to come with conditions then could this be due to the fact that they have noticed that your OH doesn't contribute fairly to your finances? They could perhaps be feeling that they don't want him to benefit from a house when they don't feel he would be paying fully for it? Also you don't say how long you have been with your OH for - if it's a relatively new relationship then perhaps they are just worried about if a property was put in joint names then there could be issues if anything might go wrong down the line. Not trying to be negative there but just saying that perhaps their issues are at least partly because in their minds they think they are protecting you rather then trying to be awkward.

Mojisola

Is there anyone in the family who will talk objectively about the worries they have? Perhaps if their reasons were laid out to you, you could either see their point of view or could allay their worries.

It can help to look at your problem as if it was someone else's. Write out the difficulties and imagine a friend has written to you with her problem. What would you advise her to do?

gazebo

unfortunately whilst my mum tries to be objective about things, it is her behaviour and comments that make up the more racist elements of things. When calling her and others up on their behaviour, it is me and the OH who are made to feel at fault and guilty - such as we're being too sensitive or having a sense of humour bypass.

My siblings are a little more objective, however, having both faced similar problems in the past, are not able to shed light on how to solve as they couldn't manage it either.

As for the relationship being new, not really, nearly 3 years - during which time, no real interest has been show by my parents wanting to actually get to know my OH.

I do know my parents are trying to compare this relationship with my previous one (it lasted near 9 years), where at the end of it I was left with a flat I didn't really want but could afford, but lost a small amount of money on when selling (this was a case of wrong flat, wrong area, wrong building and generally wrong path followed at an early age).

I have lived and learned from past mistakes. I will not make the same again in the future, but I can't seem to picture how the future is going to pan out whilst a rift is appearing.

euronorris

Perhaps it would be better to refuse the gift? In order to stop arguments and not create a rift in the family and save up for a deposit etc yourself.

As for racist remarks, in my book, they are unacceptable and I would make that clear to my parents. If they tried to say I had no sense of humour, I would tell them that I do, but that racism is not funny and if they cannot refrain from making such derogatory comments about my OH, then I will hang up the phone on them/walk away/ask them to leave. I wouldn't say that I won't talk to them at all, just that any particular conversation at that point will be ended. They should start to respect that in time.

busiscoming2

If your partner is in denial about your financial situation and seems unwilling to help, then I can understand your families reluctance to 'gift' you money. Perhaps they just don't like the way he treats you?

Mojisola

gazebo wrote: »

Really I think my purpose of posting is to ask several questions to which I think you may have the answers (or at least will help me to unlock the answers in my own mind).

Why is it so difficult to get your significant other to understand that money really is tight and that we really aren't 'comfortable' and 'getting by' every month?

When raising the issue of paying bills etc, why does the OH not listen to the fact the balance isn't fair at the moment? (not asking for a 50/50 split, but a 90/10 split would be progress at the moment)

What have you tried with your OH? Getting all your spends down on a spreadsheet can be a good starting point for discussions.

What do you mean about the splitting of bills - are you paying far more than him into the household?

gazebo

my partner is not completely in denial about our current financial state - more just convinced that things will get better soon. In august they pay final loan payment, thus freeing up funds to be able to contribute towards bills etc - but obviously this is something my parents know nothing about as they've never asked.

My partner has been paying off debts in full for tbe past couple of years, debts gained during their previous relationship. Probably being the fool I am, I've allowed this to help with us in the future, the problem I find just now is that I'm not as comfortable as I'd like and I feel I'm not getting the full support I require.

Does any of this make any sense?

Mojisola

gazebo wrote: »

my partner is not completely in denial about our current financial state - more just convinced that things will get better soon. In august they pay final loan payment, thus freeing up funds to be able to contribute towards bills etc - but obviously this is something my parents know nothing about as they've never asked.

My partner has been paying off debts in full for tbe past couple of years, debts gained during their previous relationship. Probably being the fool I am, I've allowed this to help with us in the future, the problem I find just now is that I'm not as comfortable as I'd like and I feel I'm not getting the full support I require.

Are you completely funding everything for both of you? Have you talked through what will happen in August when the debts are paid off? Can you manage with the bills until then?