Grandparents helping with childcare

caelshorn

Just a quick note to remind you how incredibly lucky you are to haven grandparents willing and able to spend that kind of time and energy on what essentially is your personal "lifestyle" choice. I get really frustrated with officials (politicians, school boards etc) who seem to think it's ok to push mums back into work financially, but also expect someone will be available to take care of children at the drop of a hat (in-service days, strikes, April only had 6 school days in some areas!).

I don't want to go on a long rant about that, but just keep in mind their age, health, lifestyle and please don't take them for granted

Mojisola

While there are some things that you would want to insist on - not smoking around the baby, etc - don't try to impose your rules completely on whoever cares for your baby. As mpets says - turn a blind eye to some things. Identify the big stuff and don't worry about the rest.

It's not a bad thing for a child to learn that different people do things differently. When they move on to nursery or school, they are going to come across lots of adults who treat them in different ways. It can be a real shock if they've only known one way of doing things.

Margaret52129

Just an insight on what my DD has done for her DS's childminding by parents.

My DD works 2 days per week. Childminding is done by MiL and myself, one day each. We each have our own style of looking after GS but generally stick to my DD's principles - she always says she trusts us to look after him as she knows we've brought up our own children ok. If she has any problems, she has no qualms about telling me because I am her mum, wheras she has a little difficulty telling MiL if she disagrees with what she's doing as she feels she's being disrespectful (they are only very minor points - nothing at all major). GS is a lovely little boy who loves both sets of grandparents, so if we've deviated from DD's ways it's not doing him/them any harm.

She is on mat leave till end of May when we then will have 2 GS to look after. This may be a little harder for us to do, but I'm looking forward to the challenge and I've had them both for odd days when she's had appointments to go do, and I've coped!

For her and us, it seems to work out well, we don't get paid at all, but then money is tight for them, and it is only for the day. We both enjoy doing it for our children and we get the love of our grandchildren, which is payment enough.

Nothing wrong in planning what you hope to do, but when baby does come, what you put down on paper, may not always work out in person! So plan ahead, but be prepared to change if necessary. Congratualations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well for your future.

Sessie

I had twins by IVF in August 2008 after 15 years of trying. I went back to work almost a year after they were born (there were no part time jobs at my old firm at the time of my maternity leave ending, but one came up a couple of months later). My mum had a part-time job which she did from home - and within which, to a great degree, she could do in her own time, ie; there were no "set" hours.

She and my dad offered, from even before we knew whether the treatment had worked, to look after "the baby" - bit of a shock when we found out there were two in there!!

However, as babies there isn't all that much to do on a practical basis (waits for massive flames, hopes people "get" what I mean - compared to looking after two 3 year olds, two 9 month old babies is easypeasy!!). She and my dad used to come to my house on the days I did work and just stay there and care for them.

As the children have got older (they are now almost 3) mum and dad now take them all over, although I know they are tired at the end of the days they have them, I have always stressed that if/when it gets too much they MUST tell me and we will arrange something else.

At first we did not pay them - because they wouldn't accept anything, I think having waited so long for grandchildren they were just thrilled to have them - but as of the start of this year we now do. I won't give figures here but again, if you want to know more, please PM me. Mum has now given up that part time job - partly because she'd had enough of it but also because, as the children got older and more active, she could not do both. So it was a much necessity for my parents as anything, to "replace" some of her lost income, although her decision to quit the job was only in part based on having the children.

A word of caution; although on the whole and certainly for the first 18 months or so, things bubbled along nicely, of late I've found she is .. how shall I put it .... not quite "forcing" her opinions on me but making me feel that if I don't do something the way she would that I'm somehow "wrong". Potty training for example. We have tried twice now with the twins and they are just not getting it. We are not making an issue of it, and just saying, "Okay, we'll try again in a month or so... it's getting warmer so they can walk around with no nappy on one summer weekend and we'll just "catch" them when they start a wee and put them on the potty until they understand..." and she is, shall we say, unimpressed with this and thinks we should just spend day in day out pushing it until they get it. Whereas I think this will make it an issue in the childrens' minds and make it harder to do.

I find it difficult to say, "please back off, remember they're MY children...let me do it my way" when she does so much for us - this is a bit of a walking-on-eggshells time. My pre-children relationship with mum was EXTREMELY close, never off the phone, in and out of each other's houses etc... so for it to be sometimes a bit frosty (my dad tends to tell her NOT to have a go at me so she has to internalise it and I know she finds this difficult) is quite odd.

So, in all, it works very well for us - my parents are amazing childcarers, they do so much with the children and they are very loved by both me and DH and the children, BUUUUT it can cause awkwardness on occasion.

Long post for short message. Sorry about that!

x

Susan_Frost

First, dont make any decisions until baby is well here, get a feel of who you feel comfortable with.
Listen to what is OFFERED to you, but make no commitment "We'll decide a bit nearer the time"
Remember - you will need a fall back position to cover carer's holidays, illness, emergencies.
Payment would be a personal decision for you all - again, see what is offered / expected.

For me - my gs needs care 3 days. I do 2 and other g/parents do one, but they have to travel a long way to do it & it is getting a bit too much. In a few weeks it will be nursery 1 day and me (& DH) 2 days.

We all mix and match a bit to cover holidays and it works out very well.

We do not receive payment, but we are in a position not to need it. However, I think payment should be made if gp is having to give up own working hours, or simply could do with the cash. I would be ok about asking for contribution, especially towards outings, if I needed/wanted it. But we are the sort of family who can talk, say what we want / need / think.

Hope this is of some help.

Remember, the main thing is to go with your instincts.

Good luck (& congratulations, bye the way)

zaksmum

I minded my firstborn grandson from when he was just 11 weeks old and did struggle a bit with him as he cried seemingly non stop!

Now there's a new grandson just 12 weeks old and his mum (my daughter) is taking a year off work to look after him at this most important time. I've offered to mind him as I did for my first grandson but my daughter wants a total 100% commitment which I can't give as we do go away quite a lot to our caravan. So I may end up not minding him at all though I'd be more than happy to, when I can.

So I think if you just make things as flexible as possible and shower your grandkids with all the love you have, that's about the best you can do.

I never got or expected any token of gratitude. We are family and just help each other out whenever we can, and that makes me one very lucky nanny!

coolcait

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I think my mum will expect to be considered as a child-care option for at least one day a week

My stepmum's never had kids, but is lovely, and I think she would be blown away to be asked to look after our child.

OH's mum is somewhere in the middle of my mum and stepmum -

I think the my dad/stepdad/OH's dad would help out where necessary,

My assumption is that I'd find a nursery place for 2 days and then ask a mum for the other 1 day. Baby would be just over 12 months old at this point.

[coughs nervously and shuffles feet]

Maybe none of the grandparents/step-grandparents are picturing themselves in the role of regular childminder...

Sorry, but not all grandparents (even some of those who end up as childminders) actually want to take on that role. And they are perfectly entitled to take that viewpoint.

It doesn't matter which of the grandparents you think would be good, bad or indifferent at watching your baby. What matters is which of them actually wants to do it.

That's something you need to know for sure before you start planning anything - never mind wondering about rotas, going back to 4 or 5 day weeks and whose parenting style/approach to agreeing with you might be most suitable.

You're only eight weeks pregnant. Take the time to enjoy your pregnancy, let the baby get here first, enjoy your time with him or her. Then find out who is available for childminding and sort it from there.

Best wishes for everything going smoothly.

helliesin

Only you really know if this could work or not because you know the future grandparents involved.

I have 2 children, and they always went to private nursery in the morning and then to my mum and dads in the afternoon, along with my niece. We all found that it was good for them to have a break in the day, and didnt get the grandparents too worn out or the children too bored of one thing. I also think the mixture of the two is good socially and educationally. My dd1 and niece are now both at school, and my parents help with school pick ups and still have dd2 as above. We do not pay them, and they wouldnt accept payment. It probably actually costs them money to look after the children, when you consider petrol to pick them all up from school/nursery, food, toys, spare clothes, etc

My parents are great, and there has never been a problem where either my or my sister have had to ask to do/not do something. My niece is half pakistani so doesnt eat pork, which my mum is happy to comply with, although quite rightly, she will cook pork for my dds and themselves if they want to. I have never needed to ask her to stop doing/or do something because I am unhappy but am sure if I did and it was a reasonable request she would be happy to comply! Luckily for us, my mum and dad dont smoke, dont really drink, and are very careful with the children so I am happy to say that what they can care for them in their own way whilst in their own home, some of the house rules are different to when they children are at home, but they know the difference so everyones happy!

My parents are so helpful, they only really take holidays when we are already away if they can, and they never leave us in the lurch. .

My in laws however, are unreliable, and totally unsuitable people for childcare so I would never consider them as a suitable option. I could never relax knowing that I was relying on them and my dds don't really like them.

Good luck with your choices. If it was me i would go for nursery/childminders for half days, then use one grandparent for each of the other half of the days (if they want to). Everyones being treated equally, your baby will get quality time with everyone, its not too much pressure or stress for anyone because its only half a day, and your baby will also get the advangtage of socialising with other childre.

Blue_Monkey

Hi all,

Just struck me that whilst I read all the replies, I didn't write back after a while.

I'm really grateful for all of your comments, and it's definitely given me some food for thought. I have obviously worked on the assumption that the parents would indeed want to offer their services on a regular basis, so who knows what will happen come Jan 2013 (when I'm hoping to go back to work).

I'll try to remember to post back on here and let you know how it's going and what our arrangements ended up being. I'm sure it will be very strange reading this in a couple of years time - exciting, but a lot is (all being well) going to change between now and then - EEEEEK!

Thanks again all, BM x