Grandparents helping with childcare

Blue_Monkey

I was hoping to get other's views on grandparents helping out with childcare and see what kind of arrangements you have.

I'm quite newly pregnant (8 weeks!) and am a proper planner, so am already thinking about possible scenarios with regard to childcare options for when I go back to work (hope to take 13 months off, returning in Jan 2013). I know a lot can change in that time, but it would be interesting to get your views.

I work for a family friendly company and I hope that I'd be able to return to work initially for 3 days a week, then increase that to 4 days per week after X months, then back to 5 days a week after another X months (depending on finances).

I think my mum will expect to be considered as a child-care option for at least one day a week, which I feel a bit hesitant about... Mainly because, although she's lovely and excellent with children, she's pretty feisty and opinionated, and somewhat controlling. But, she's very practical, non-fussing and has tons of experience with kids.

My stepmum's never had kids, but is lovely, and I think she would be blown away to be asked to look after our child. She would have a very different style to my mum - more protective and gentle, fussing, mollycoddling, doesn't have a massive amount of experience with babies.

OH's mum is somewhere in the middle of my mum and stepmum - has looked after OH's niece and nephew a lot when they were babies.

I think the my dad/stepdad/OH's dad would help out where necessary, but it would ultimately be the mum's doing the bulk...

My assumption is that I'd find a nursery place for 2 days and then ask a mum for the other 1 day. Baby would be just over 12 months old at this point.

Do you think the "style" of the grandparent matters? Do you set rules (ie regarding routine/foods/behaviour) for the grandparent? Overall I think my mum's style would be closest to my own (guessing here as I'm obviously not a parent yet), but I think stepmum/OH's mums would probably respect my rules more than my mum who would likely bend the rules a little and tell me where 'I'm going wrong'.

Do you pay grandparents for their help? How much if you don't mind me asking? Does that help keep the arrangement more formal and under your terms? If you don't pay, is it seen more as a "day with nanny".

Do you think taking it turns for the mum's to have the baby could work (ie mum's one week, stepmum the next, OH's mum the week after)? Would the baby get confused? When I step up to 4 days a week, I wonder how this would be managed as I think I'd prefer to only have the baby in nursery for 2 days.

Finally - is it just better to not mix business and pleasure?? Bite the bullet and go for 3 days in nursery and just spend time with the grandmas socially? And ask them to babysit on an ad hoc basis?

Or am I overthinking all this!

Anyway - your experience/stories/advice is much appreciated on this!

kimmi_b

Firstly, congratulations!

My mother looks after my 2 small children for me on a full-time basis and yes we do pay her. Will be happy to PM the amount if you would like to know!

It has been working very well for approx 3 years now. Eldest currently attends preschool 5 mornings a week and will move up to primary school this September. The youngest will then start pre-school. It gives my Mum a bit of a break which is always welcome.

I tend to raise my children in a similar manner to how I was raised but I guess I also have my own thoughts / opinions on parenting styles too. I have a close relationship with my Mum so she knew my 'rules' before starting childcare so I've never had to lay down any 'rules' for her IYKWIM?! It's all been quite organic in the way it's progressed over the years, any issues are dealt with at the time (some behaviour problems from eldest when youngest was born was dealt with by using reward charts which was my decision, has worked very well).

We have had some incidents where they have been particularly boisterous and Mum practically tears her hair out when I pick them up - it's hard for me because I am not around to discipline and by the time I get there it's too late to go over old ground!

We have chosen to go with just one grandparent for childcare for ease and also routine. I do know plenty of people who have children with both grandparents and nursery during the week, it seems to work for them but I'm not convinced!

Happy to chat more - feel free to PM me.

Cornish_piskie

Hi, congratulations on little bump and it's never too early to start planning!

When I had my eldest, I was in exactly the same position as you - wishing to return to work for 3 days a week. I used a lovely nursery for two days a week and then my MIL for one day. This worked well for me and the advantage was that if there were times when DS was poorly or if the nursery was closed (remember there will be days over Xmas periods etc when you might have to work but the nursery is closed) my MIL was able to have him - he was used to going there for whole days and MIL was used to having him!

There were times when I would have to remind MIL how I liked things 'done' (particularly around food - she has a snack cupboard full to bursting:eek: - but on the whole, I accepted that she might do things differently from me as I was very, very grateful for her help. My MIL would not accept any money for caring for DS so I used to pay her in kind - treats such as a nice bottle of perfume, flowers and home baked cakes.

Good luck with whatever you decide - I certainly found that a mixture of nursery and family care has resulted in a lovely, sociable and caring little chap

Kimberley82

Congratulations.

I would wait to se ehow the all are with baby once he/she is here.

shelley_crow

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Do you think the "style" of the grandparent matters? Do you set rules (ie regarding routine/foods/behaviour) for the grandparent? Overall I think my mum's style would be closest to my own (guessing here as I'm obviously not a parent yet), but I think stepmum/OH's mums would probably respect my rules more than my mum who would likely bend the rules a little and tell me where 'I'm going wrong'.

This is the bit that would concern me. This could potentially me a major point that could cause falling outs. Eg, you ask your mom to put baby to sleep on his/her back but your mom decides to put them down on their front because this is how she did it when you were a baby. Would she respect the way you want things done or plough ahead with how she thinks it should be done? You could replace the sleeping with any number of scenarios.

I'm not in this position as the grandparents all work full time anyway but I know that OH's mom would do as we asked her too. She accepts that some things have changed since her kids were babies 30 years ago and I trust her implicitly.

Just something to mull over, depending on your relationship it could get quite nasty. When it comes to kids/parenting, everyone thinks their way is best, just look at some of the threads on parenting methods on this board.

Good luck in whatever you decide x

warehouse

Congratulations :beer:.

Apart from the above, look into local childminders too. Childminders are often way more flexible than any nursery, and a lot cheaper too.

onlyroz

I think if you're expecting granny to look after the baby on a regular basis (i.e. more than just one-off babysitting) then you should certainly offer to pay, and you should also consider what you would do when granny wants to take a holiday and can't do your childminding.

My mum is happy to look after my kids when required, but doesn't want to be committed to being a regular child minder. For example, she recently looked after my daughter while she had chicken pox, and she has helped out with the school run when I have been on training courses in London and couldn't get back in time to collect the kids. In the past she has helped out with school holidays, e.g. she'll often have my son for a week or two in the summer holidays to save me money on the holiday club. I do get concerned at times that she thinks I might be taking her for granted, but I'd hope that she'd tell me if she thought I was taking the mickey...

mountainofdebt

When Junior was a babe in arms, he went to a nursery full time and the grandparents just babysat on an ad hoc basis.

tbh, if I were you (and finances can stretch to it) I would say go for nursery full time.

Reason I say this is that you as a family will be in a routine every day and the time that the grandchild spends with nanny will be special time and not just a case of if its friday then its a day with nanny.

The other thing to consider would the other 2 nannies get the hump if only one of them looked after the baby on a regular basis as I really don't think that a rota system would work.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks all!

Kimmi - seems like it's a really good arrangement for you. I'll PM you re the rates

Cornish P - agree, sounds like we're in similar situations! I expect there is generally some tongue-holding going on whenever grandparents are involved, but great that you feel you can set things straight as such.

Kimberley - good idea.. The compulsive planner in me doesn't like to "wait and see" and prefers to race ahead and think 20 months into the future, but I think what you say is probably what OH would say too. It will be really interesting to see how they all are with bubs and I'm sure off the back of that it will be easier to decide.

Shelley - you've hit the nail on the head with my concerns re my mum. She is great with kids and babies and very confident in her abilities with them, but I worry this means she'll think that she knows best. I guess it would then be down to me to decide if I can bite my tongue as she can be quite sensitve to any negative comments/doesn't take criticism well at all. I feel really bad saying this about her because I know she'll be dead chuffed and will be a huge help and support in so many ways (none of them know yet by the way!).

Warehouse - I've never liked the idea of a childminder for some reason. Nursery is more acceptable in my head but I don't really know why. I like the idea of the regulations (ie ofsted) and the social side of it and that it's more like mini-school. We had several nannies and childminders when were younger and I didn't specially like someone else being in my house (instead of my mum) or spending time at someone else's house... Might be worth considering though - the flexibility is definitely a plus.

Onlyroz - I would definitely be happy to pay the grandma for a formal/regular arrangement, in fact I'd probably feel happier if I did pay. It seems the ad hoc arrangement works well for you and your mum, and is how I imagine it would be if I had an ad hoc thing with my mum... Do you have any other means of childcare?

Mountainofdebt - it's not so much about funds, we could probably cover 3 days of nursery just fine. But I'm thinking more of when I go up to 4 and then 5 days per week and I don't like the idea of the baby being in nursery quite that much. I really want my children to be close to their grandparents so am seeing this as a kind of compromise - in that I'd prefer my children had some of the social side and benefits of nursery AND the benefits of close family members being a feature in their lives. As for grandma-jealousy, well I think my stepmum and OH's mum would expect me to rely slightly more heavily on my mum. The problems would arise if/when my mum thought she was getting less exposure!! What makes you think a rota system wouldn't work if it was just one day every 3 weeks?

onlyroz

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I've never liked the idea of a childminder for some reason. Nursery is more acceptable in my head but I don't really know why. I like the idea of the regulations (ie ofsted) and the social side of it and that it's more like mini-school.

Childminders are Ofsted registered as well, and they often know other child-minders and meet up during the day with all the kids.

Onlyroz - I would definitely be happy to pay the grandma for a formal/regular arrangement, in fact I'd probably feel happier if I did pay. It seems the ad hoc arrangement works well for you and your mum, and is how I imagine it would be if I had an ad hoc thing with my mum... Do you have any other means of childcare?

I use a mixed-bag of childcare. My daughter is in nursery full time from 8 AM - 6 PM. She is two and has been at the nursery since she was 6 months. My son is at school (age 6) and is collected by a child-minder three days a week. The other two days my husband leaves work early to collect him. During school holidays he is either at a holiday club or is with the grandparents.

I always used to hold the same views as you regarding nursery vs. childminder - certainly my daughter's nursery has better facilities than a childminder can provide (e.g. it's got a small swimming pool, and a very large garden with plenty of play equipment), and there are more children for her to mix with. However, since my son has been going to a childminder I can now see that they can also provide a wide range of activities, and there are still plenty of opportunities for meeting other children as well.

GobbledyGook

I would wait until you have the baby personally. I know it's probably something you'd like to sort, but it'll likely be easier to decide once you know what sort of personality your baby has and once you see how your Mum/Stepmum/OH's Mum are with your baby.

You might be surprised because your Mum might be the ok one, but your Stepmum might do something that really grates you.


Childminders are heavily regulated so you get (imo) the personal touch with the personal one-to-one too. It's worth meeting a few CM's and viewing a few nurseries because what you think you want can totally and utterly change once your baby is actually here.