Fathers Access to Baby

lookingforsun

To be honest OP I think this is too personal to get definitive advice on a forum.

If my DH & I split (and it looks likely, unless I abort our baby), then he will not be having overnight visits from our 10 monthd old DD, and I've stopped breastfeeding her.

To be honest I don't care if others call me selfish & of course I would want DH involved as much as possible, but in my case my DH takes sleeping tablets & doesn't wake when she cries. So I've done ALL the night feeds/teething problems/colds for the last 10 months - and would NOT allow that to change for some considerable time (I'm talking years, not months). DH has NEVER changed a nappy either. DD does love her dad, but only I settle her at night, and it would be unfair to unsettle her in anyway. Besides, she wants to play with daddy, not cry till she is hysterical while daddy snores.

Now I know my case is nothing like yours, so I hope you don't think I'm trying to discourage you - what I'm trying to point out is my DH could post on here that he wants his DD overnight, she is not breastfed & I wouldn't allow it, and *not knowing the whole picture* would no doubt be advised that he has 'legal rights'. Thing is that would make me dig my heels in, and he would then have to go the legal route - which is so unnecessary.

The best thing you can do is to work with the mum. If she is as bonded to her baby, as I am to mine, then you will meet with resistance.., whereas to go slowly & show her you want to *both* parent the baby, will help.

What would be an idea is to offer to babysit if she goes out, begin slowly. If she's not going out, then it is too early for overnight stays.

I did allow DS to stay with his dad, but it took a lot of time (again different circumstances).

Bear in mind you are BOTH parents, and the child will love you equally, you need to work together, and show trust in her to do the right thing.

lookingforsun

Hagar_uk wrote: »

I think we can try and sort it out between, us teh legal route was not what I had planned, iw as mainly looking for reasons why/ or why not it would ok to have the baby for a few days, At the moment the baby is over seas after the mother just told me she was going out the country for 3 weeks with my son. He does not need to feed to sleep, but tends to at the moment, I have no wish to take him away from mummy milk, but in a few months I would like to investigate further

At the moment the mother has resent for me as I am now more interested in my son thane when we were together. I think she finds it unsetteling and I have a game plan, but the split hit me hard and made me look at my life in general, and made me relise what I had missed

If you have suddenly expressed more interest & she does think you have a game plan, then you need to go slowly, show her you want nothing more than *both* of you to be the best parents you can.

I don't really agree with her taking the child out of the country & away from you for 3 weeks though

Hagar_uk

She was paranoid I am my family were going to take him away from her, but explained to her that would never be the case. but when i found about the trip abroad, i don't think suggesting I take the baby out to see my family abroad for a week, made things any easier.

It was a said out of anger, but raises another question about how old should a child be before a longer trip away for a holiday isaccpetable

I have no game plan, except to be a better father, friend to my ex and her family and change my life in general. These kind of events make people take stock of their life

lookingforsun wrote: »

If you have suddenly expressed more interest & she does think you have a game plan, then you need to go slowly, show her you want nothing more than *both* of you to be the best parents you can.

I don't really agree with her taking the child out of the country & away from you for 3 weeks though

Princess_kate

My partner was in a similar situation, however his son was 3 months old when they split up. From that time he has had his son friday and saturday night every weekend up until recently when it changed to every other weekend as the mother finally got a job & then realised she wouldn't see the child as much. He is now 2 & half. He wasnt breastfed which I suppose made overnight stays easier but from 3 months old, dropping him off at 3pm on a friday & collecting him 4pm on a sunday, weird! I certainly wouldn't do it! They also split bank holidays, my partner has him half of the bank holiday in a year, suppose some mothers do want to get rid of the child as often as possible! The most complicated thing with it is as she is a 1st class nutter & we don't want her to know where we live, even tho by law she doesnt need to know even if the child is staying here she wont have it so my partner returns to stay at his parents house on the weekends he has him!! NIGHTMARE! It will never be easy when you have a child with an ex, she will ultimately have the final say in everything, if things get difficult mediation is the way to go. Unless she's a nutter, they dont tend to listen, sadly!!

clearingout

Long story short - I was just pregnant when ex husband walked out on me. I breastfed the first two and have breast fed this one. I was also dragged through court for a shared residency order so have had 'official' involvement through CAFCASS (essentially the court social workers) so can tell you what their line was although it does probably make a difference that there were older siblings.

Essentially, they considered that overnights should start after 12 months only. Prior to overnights, baby was supposed to see dad on a 'little and often' basis to build a relationship with him. We didn't manage this largely due to my ex's abusive behaviour towards me so I wouldn't tolerate him in my home. However, he did have the baby a couple of afternoons a week from the 6 month mark (about 12pm - 6pm). Baby still breastfeeding - just had a bottle when with dad. I am told he was 'fine' about the bottle. Truth is, I'll never know! I never expressed and he just used formula. The longest he went away from me was 4 nights over Xmas (16 months at the time) and he was fine - still managed to pick up the breastfeeding when he came back to me! It is very uncomfortable but frankly, the good night's sleep is worth more!

My little one managed a great relationship with dad but I think this was very much based on the fact he had siblings who were happy to go with dad. He just followed suit. Sadly, dad has now bowed out of their lives (long story) but it worked fine at the time.

It is incredibly hard 'giving up' your baby, even when you know they'll be OK. Please try and have patience with this side of it. I don't believe you need to wait till 2, or 3 or more although I believe there are some CAFCASS officers who say not before 3. If you ended up in court, it might just be the luck of the draw as to what sort of recommendation is made.

It is worth suggesting mediation to her if she won't talk about it. The third party involvement is very helpful. Failing that, you'll need to consider going to court - I don't recommend it, it does nothing at all for relationships into the future, breeds mistrust and anger and is very, very adversarial (brings out the worst in the nicest of people!). However, there does come a point where having a relationship with your child is more important and you might have to consider this route. Families Need Fathers might help with this (google it!).

Hope that helps.

Hagar_uk

Thanks for everyone input on this its been helpful,

clearingout wrote: »

Long story short - I was just pregnant when ex husband walked out on me. I breastfed the first two and have breast fed this one. I was also dragged through court for a shared residency order so have had 'official' involvement through CAFCASS (essentially the court social workers) so can tell you what their line was although it does probably make a difference that there were older siblings.

Essentially, they considered that overnights should start after 12 months only. Prior to overnights, baby was supposed to see dad on a 'little and often' basis to build a relationship with him. We didn't manage this largely due to my ex's abusive behaviour towards me so I wouldn't tolerate him in my home. However, he did have the baby a couple of afternoons a week from the 6 month mark (about 12pm - 6pm). Baby still breastfeeding - just had a bottle when with dad. I am told he was 'fine' about the bottle. Truth is, I'll never know! I never expressed and he just used formula. The longest he went away from me was 4 nights over Xmas (16 months at the time) and he was fine - still managed to pick up the breastfeeding when he came back to me! It is very uncomfortable but frankly, the good night's sleep is worth more!

My little one managed a great relationship with dad but I think this was very much based on the fact he had siblings who were happy to go with dad. He just followed suit. Sadly, dad has now bowed out of their lives (long story) but it worked fine at the time.

It is incredibly hard 'giving up' your baby, even when you know they'll be OK. Please try and have patience with this side of it. I don't believe you need to wait till 2, or 3 or more although I believe there are some CAFCASS officers who say not before 3. If you ended up in court, it might just be the luck of the draw as to what sort of recommendation is made.

It is worth suggesting mediation to her if she won't talk about it. The third party involvement is very helpful. Failing that, you'll need to consider going to court - I don't recommend it, it does nothing at all for relationships into the future, breeds mistrust and anger and is very, very adversarial (brings out the worst in the nicest of people!). However, there does come a point where having a relationship with your child is more important and you might have to consider this route. Families Need Fathers might help with this (google it!).

Hope that helps.