Fathers Access to Baby

Hagar_uk

Wonder if anyone here can help me, i have a 9 month old baby, and me and the mother have seperated, (not my choice I must say)
how me and the mother will get on is unclear at this stage, we broke up fairly amicably, with her saying I can see my son often, however I feel am being made to be a father when it suits her. I was not the best father when we were together, being away from work during the week, but come the weekend was very hands on, getting him up changing all nappies and putting him down to sleep. Only thing I could not do was breast feed him.

Anyway I am curious at what age people see it would be acceptable for a baby to stay away from its mum. I know there are a lot of mums on there who think of their kids as their #1 priority, but so do fathers.

I am curious if there are any legal guidelines on this, googling has proved useless to find info

At the moment the baby breastfeeds, so its too early, baby is not a clingy baby, and would never want to do anything which would cause him distress, but thinking in the future but I am aware that needs a father as well, and need to bond with him more

clairec79

What do you mean by stay away from and how long are we talking about?

Few hours (maybe up to 8) should be ok at this stage (saying that as a breastfeeding mum of a 6 month old who has to go back to work tomorrow) she can feed before and after and will likely only miss one feed (this is assuming that your little one will take a bottle)

Overnight I'd be waiting till the baby had stopped breastfeeding

fannyanna

Obviously as you've sad yourself you appreciate that it would be best not to have any overnight stays whilst your ex is breastfeeding.

I guess once she stops breastfeeding you could maybe have baby stay for a night. Your ex may appreciate a bit of down time to relax and do her own thing whilst you have the baby for the night.

fannyanna

One more thing.....of course you have rights and should be able to see the baby and eventually have baby over at night but I would imagine your ex will probably find it quite difficult to let go.

My husband has a daughter and his ex found it difficult letting her stay for a night and she was 3 at the time. I think most Mothers are quite protective with babies so you may find you need to be patient with her.

Hagar_uk

I would like him for the whole weekend or atleast overnight, at this stage like you say he is breastfeeding, so its a no no (seeing how well he has done on breast I would never interrupt that) but the baby is getting less and less attached to breast, and mother is also looking to try and take him on breast in next few months (so she can take pain medication again)

While my ex is a good mum, she is very close to the baby and concerned any obstruction to overnight access maybe for her own
wish to be close to the baby.

clairec79 wrote: »

What do you mean by stay away from and how long are we talking about?

Few hours (maybe up to 8) should be ok at this stage (saying that as a breastfeeding mum of a 6 month old who has to go back to work tomorrow) she can feed before and after and will likely only miss one feed (this is assuming that your little one will take a bottle)

Overnight I'd be waiting till the baby had stopped breastfeeding

pigpen

At 9 months he won't be having that many feeds during the day so as long as you can get him back when he is due a feed and he should be in a fairly set routine with feeding now so that shouldn't be too hard I would say take him between feeds.. I would absolutely not be dropping feeds to accomodate him visiting dad.. it is important for dad and baby to have a relationship but breastfeeding is very important to me so that would be maintained at all costs.

My little one is 9 months this week and has 3-5 feeds which I can pretty much time so OH can take her between feeds for ice skating, swimming, shopping etc.. so long as she is back for boob she is happy and life is peaceful.

Overnight is posible once the bedtime feed and breakfast feed are stopped.. though my son has his 2 y/o overnight who still usually has boob at bedtime and he has milk in a beaker and goes down fine.

emsywoo123

I may be completely wrong, but I thought overnights were only considered in court once the child was of primary school age, i.e. 4? That might have been dodgy advice though? And obv I am not saying you are going to court!

pigpen

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I may be completely wrong, but I thought overnights were only considered in court once the child was of primary school age, i.e. 4? That might have been dodgy advice though? And obv I am not saying you are going to court!

My friends little boy had to go overnight at a year old evenn though he was breastfed as the juge said there was no proof bf was beneficial therefore the boy had to go with his 3 y/o sister.. dad took him home at 8 when he refused to stop screaming for bedtime boob.

I went from 3. I think overnights are less age related and more 'required'

emsywoo123

Hagar_uk wrote: »

While my ex is a good mum, she is very close to the baby and concerned any obstruction to overnight access maybe for her own
wish to be close to the baby.

I think you should be reassured that she wants to be close to the baby, I cannot imagine any good mother of a 9 month old baby being desperate to not have him/her overnight...........:o

Supermom

My son is nearly two and still breastfed at night, I'm a mum to four and in my opinion I would think that whilst he is so little he would probably find overnights terribly dissruptive to his routine.

I would suggest that until he is of an age where he is able to understand that he will be going back to his mummy and his bed that to have him overnight would unsettle any routine she is trying to establish. I would think that once he starts nursey (usually at the age of 3) would probably be a good starting point.

And to be honest I don't see the big deal about having him overnight with you, its not like he will gain anything from this time (as he will be asleep) and therefore neither will you (you can't do anything with him whilst he is sleeping).
You should concentrate on trying to maintain a good relationship with your ex and spending as much time with him as you are able to agree on whilst he is awake.

make_me_wise

Firstly good on you for wanting to be such an involved dad.

Initially you could arrange it so as you have your son during the day. Even breastfed babies could cope with this, his mum could express milk into bottles and these could be kept in the special baby cooler bags. My sil use to do this for when she went back to work so her son could still have her milk even when she wasn't physically around.

Its up to the mum when she decides to stop bf, but from a year babies can have cows milk.

My advice is to sit down with the mum and calmly explain how much your son means to you and that you want him to have the security of being around both of you. Try to decide on a routine that works for you both.