Fathers Access to Baby

Hagar_uk

Having him overnight would just make things easier, he is used to me putting him to bed at weekends, and me being there first thing when he wakes up. Only seeing him during the weekend when I was together was a rift between the mother and me, the thought of seeing him less and losng the connection I have scares me. he is a real daddys boy.

Supermom wrote: »

My son is nearly two and still breastfed at night, I'm a mum to four and in my opinion I would think that whilst he is so little he would probably find overnights terribly dissruptive to his routine.

I would suggest that until he is of an age where he is able to understand that he will be going back to his mummy and his bed that to have him overnight would unsettle any routine she is trying to establish. I would think that once he starts nursey (usually at the age of 3) would probably be a good starting point.

And to be honest I don't see the big deal about having him overnight with you, its not like he will gain anything from this time (as he will be asleep) and therefore neither will you (you can't do anything with him whilst he is sleeping).
You should concentrate on trying to maintain a good relationship with your ex and spending as much time with him as you are able to agree on whilst he is awake.

Hagar_uk

Well when we first broke up, things were very civil, and plan had been that I could come down and spend the weekend, but with breakups there are raw emotions and things seem to changing, I am just worried she might turn around and say you can see him every other saturday. Where as I would like to see him during the week put him down every now and then and see him weekend. I am pretty sure its more important to have lot of regular contact than length of contact at that age

make_me_wise wrote: »

Firstly good on you for wanting to be such an involved dad.

Initially you could arrange it so as you have your son during the day. Even breastfed babies could cope with this, his mum could express milk into bottles and these could be kept in the special baby cooler bags. My sil use to do this for when she went back to work so her son could still have her milk even when she wasn't physically around.

Its up to the mum when she decides to stop bf, but from a year babies can have cows milk.

My advice is to sit down with the mum and calmly explain how much your son means to you and that you want him to have the security of being around both of you. Try to decide on a routine that works for you both.

heretolearn_2

'I cannot imagine any good mother of a 9 month old baby being desperate to not have him/her overnight.'

I must be a bad mum then as we left 10 month old (while I was still breastfeeding) with my parents so we could have a relaxing baby-free weekend away! Mind, I did leave my mum with about 3 pages of excruciatingly detailed written instructions on everything (bless her, she didn't laugh or say anything, just took all my notes).

I don't see why you can't have the baby for pretty much a whole day. At this age, milk is just supplementary to food, not the babies whole input, and should be having other drinks from a sippy cup anyway. Mums boobs won't explode and baby wont starve. Once baby is weaned I don't see why you can't have overnighters either. I think it's unreasonable and selfish for mums to get in the way of dads. It's your baby just as much as it is hers. Having a clingy mum who can't let baby out of her sight isn't good for the babys development either. My OH has been having weekenders (one night only when little, now 2) since his youngest was about 12 months. Kids have not been disturbed/confused/upset by it. A few times the littlest wanted mum when he was still very young, but 10 minutes of distraction and he was always fine.

Supermom

Ok I do understand where you're coming from now that you've explained it a bit more.
Firstly you need to talk to your ex, can you have someone to mediate between the two of you? I would still however say that at the moment he is too little for whole weekends. That is a long time in a child life.
Does he still feed to sleep? will he take a bottle? This all needs answering before any sort of overnights are arranged.

You also have to take into account that if you go the legal route it is unlikely you would get everyweek end. Infact if I was you I would avoid this at all costs, not only is it very costly but I have yet to meet anyone who has ended up with what they hoped for in fact it can go the other way.

The best way to deal with this is communication and patience, build things slowly try hard not to rush your ex (I'm sure that she's having a hard time with all this to)

Mojisola

Supermom wrote: »

You also have to take into account that if you go the legal route it is unlikely you would get everyweek end. Infact if I was you I would avoid this at all costs, not only is it very costly but I have yet to meet anyone who has ended up with what they hoped for in fact it can go the other way.

I think a more usual arrangement is every other weekend and a couple of sessions during the week.

emsywoo123

heretolearn wrote: »

'I cannot imagine any good mother of a 9 month old baby being desperate to not have him/her overnight.'

I must be a bad mum then as we left 10 month old (while I was still breastfeeding) with my parents so we could have a relaxing baby-free weekend away!

You misunderstand, I thought the OP was implying that he was concerned that he was worried his ex and the baby were too close!! Of course I understand that everyone is different and everyone has different opinions

pigpen

heretolearn wrote: »

I don't see why you can't have the baby for pretty much a whole day. At this age, milk is just supplementary to food, not the babies whole input, .....

Actually that is incorrect, milk is supposed to make up the main source of nutrition for the first year.

GobbledyGook

It entirely depends on the baby tbh. My younger daughter at 8 months was only BF'ing in the daytime and could have happily stayed with her father if we were separated then.

My son is 9 months and he won't be staying overnight with his father for a while yet. He still BFs regularly and at least twice in the night. Despite being able to sustain him well through BF I cannot express more than a few mls despite trying every pump around!

Personally I think it's more important that a father spends good quality time with a young child when they are awake than has them overnight so I'd firm up your daytime arrangements first. At that stage a BF baby can probably go 4/6 hours (some will go more, some less) between feeds so there should be plenty opportunity to have substantial time together in the day.

When the time does come for overnights then alternate weekends and time in the week seems to be the common and fair approach imo. Although Mum has them during the week more she should still get some weekend time with the child(ren) to be able to take them to places like the zoo and to spend time with her family.

Buttonmoons

I never breastfed so do know if she is able, but could she not express enough milk so you could take baby overnight and feed him with it? I'm sure people do that so their partners can feed baby too?

Personally, if my ex had left when baby was 9months, I'd of still let him have her overnight, as he is a great dad, and you know, sometimes it's good to have time to yourself (or uninterrupted nights sleep!)

My little one is now 5, and we don't really have an arragement as such as when he has her, but it usually is that he visits 2 evenings per week after work, takes her Fri/Sat night - one weekend, and the other weekend, he takes her out during the day on the Sat.

So she sees her Dad plenty and still his side of the family. So it's worked out great for us, I'd hate to be in the situation where is was rife with tension.

Good luck OP, hope you manage to sort something out with her.

Hagar_uk

I think we can try and sort it out between, us teh legal route was not what I had planned, iw as mainly looking for reasons why/ or why not it would ok to have the baby for a few days, At the moment the baby is over seas after the mother just told me she was going out the country for 3 weeks with my son. He does not need to feed to sleep, but tends to at the moment, I have no wish to take him away from mummy milk, but in a few months I would like to investigate further

At the moment the mother has resent for me as I am now more interested in my son thane when we were together. I think she finds it unsetteling and I have a game plan, but the split hit me hard and made me look at my life in general, and made me relise what I had missed

Supermom wrote: »

Ok I do understand where you're coming from now that you've explained it a bit more.
Firstly you need to talk to your ex, can you have someone to mediate between the two of you? I would still however say that at the moment he is too little for whole weekends. That is a long time in a child life.
Does he still feed to sleep? will he take a bottle? This all needs answering before any sort of overnights are arranged.

You also have to take into account that if you go the legal route it is unlikely you would get everyweek end. Infact if I was you I would avoid this at all costs, not only is it very costly but I have yet to meet anyone who has ended up with what they hoped for in fact it can go the other way.

The best way to deal with this is communication and patience, build things slowly try hard not to rush your ex (I'm sure that she's having a hard time with all this to)