Help, family splitting up

supersavershal

My sister in law has left my brother.He was main carer working part time whilst my SIL went to uni.He had the children every day and when he went to work I had the children or my parents had them.He attended all school assemblies, parents evenings and open days.He did this for his family so they could have a better life when SIL qualified.
She left him on friday, took his daughter out of school and put her name down at another not close to him, has only allowed him to see them for a couple of hours when it suits her, myself and my parents have hardly seen them at all.They have had everything they know turned on its head, all familiarity and routine taken away.
My brother is trying to be as accomodating as he can as she is saying she will take kids and move down south if he upsets her.
Surely as the main carer he has some rights too? Shouldnt he have been consulted about changing schools etc.
He is bending over backwards saying he will move in my parents, continue to have kids when she is at uni, as I would too, as he is desperate to maintain his relationship with his children.
It is so sad, i took him to the doctors as I feared it was sending him for a breakdown, he was a bit worried if he tells the doctor he is feeling anxious and not sleeping that it will be used against him to stop him seeing his children.
All we want is for this to be as least painful as possible for the children they are 5 and 3yrs.

princeofpounds

Think you might want to edit that last sentence... A typo?!

Are they married? What are their living arrangements?

With regards to the children, if there is no amicable negotiation then he will need to talk to lawyers to arrange court orders for custody arrangements. But precisely what he has to do is determined by the details of his current situation and the objectives he has.

Note that things will not stay the same, courts are not there to keep a family in stasis. But on the other hand he will not lose contact with the children and being primary carer will help with a sympathetic hearing. But legal advice is a must, especially getting residency orders in place.

john9to5

I would definetly seek some legal advice, It all sounds so sad and I can see that the children in an ideal world would be in his care as from what you have said it sounds like he has done most of the care and is the main care providor. I am sure if you were to go to the citizens advice they could direct you. I hope you get this sorted out it all sounds like such a shame x

supersavershal

they were not legally married but she changed her surname to his by deed poll.They registered the children together.They have a house with a joint mortgage.
Im not sure he can afford a solicitor, he works but his take home pay isnt great.She has moved into her sisters its a two bedroom bungalow with 4 adults and the two children there now.Its really heartbreaking my neice has weed and pood her knickers at school and has been fighting and thats so out of character and my nephew has totally regressed in his behaviour and has become very naughty, when my brother sees them they are crying to stay with him and go to bed in their own rooms.He will move out so they can do that.
The arrangements my SIL has made now mean they are sleeping on air beds in a cramped home, neice is being put in a new school and SIL sister will take them (even though she has never cared for them before) they will be dragged out of their beds at 5.30 am when she is on an early to be taken there and when she is on a late will be going home at 22.00 at night.When my brother asked why SIL said because it is more convenient for her and her sister, but surely is what is in the childrens best interests that is important?
When he said she can go back to house and he will move out, she said she will still do that but my parents and I live 5 minutes away, they are used to being with us, my son goes to same school and I have taken and collected them all on a regular basis.My brother would have no access to the home and would have the children whenever she was at uni, I cant believe she can make all these decisions without discussing it with him.He accepts she doesnt want him any more but he needs to be a part of his childrens lives as he has been the main carer.
Like yesterday there was a big family party that has been arranged for months, she brought the children to him in the morning and said she would collect them in two hours, he asked could he take them to the party and she said no, the children were heartbroken, what harm would that have done? I cant believe that she will do things like that just because she can when she knows the children will be the ones hurting.
She was back at college from when both of them were two weeks old, my brother was the one caring for them and myself.We have recently found out that she told people she was only staying with him for convenience for childcare until she finished uni and to pay the bills but she finishes uni this year, will have her own income and children at school and nursery.

make_me_wise

Oh gosh, what an absolutely horrendous situation. I would 2nd the advice given already about contacting a solicitor.

Its hard to fathom sometimes why someone would walk away from what seems to be a supportive, loving family unit and cause so much upset, anxiety and pain.

If your brother knows which school the children have been transferred to he can contact them directly and give his details as the other 'parent with responsibility'. He would then be able to log his details, be contacted in an emergency and recieve details regarding his childrens' education such as parents evenings and copies of school reports etc.

The doctor wont infer anything from your brother being in a state right now. Any good parent suddenly faced with what he is would feel the same. Encourage him to seek all the help he can. Better that than to leave it and him actually have a nervous breakdown.

make_me_wise

supersavershal wrote: »

Its really heartbreaking my neice has weed and pood her knickers at school and has been fighting and thats so out of character and my nephew has totally regressed in his behaviour and has become very naughty, when my brother sees them they are crying to stay with him and go to bed in their own rooms.

Like yesterday there was a big family party that has been arranged for months, she brought the children to him in the morning and said she would collect them in two hours, he asked could he take them to the party and she said no, the children were heartbroken, what harm would that have done? I cant believe that she will do things like that just because she can when she knows the children will be the ones hurting.

The behavioural traits you have described of your niece and nephew are classic reactions of kids when they are suffering trauma and anxiety.

Easier said than done, but your brother has got to stop asking her permission. He is putting her in a position of power and she is using it against him vilely. Why should she walk out and take their kids away fom him. Putting them through so much turmoil. They would be far better accomodated at their home with him. He works and has loads of family support. I would suggest him putting this across to a solicitor sharpish and applying for full residency.

supersavershal

I think he is terrrified that she will take the kids and go down south where she has family.He is bending over backwards to be reasonable.I never said it to him but I feel she has been planning this for a while, the children only went back to school on Tuesday, and by Friday she had arranged a new school, sorted out all her arrangements so she can continue at uni.When he went to the bank she had used internet banking to transfer all his wages into her account on his payday, and he said thats ok.He has discovered a lot of financial irregularities he had no knowledge of but he is willing to let it all ride as long as she leaves children in the school where they have been happy,and lets him see them more which is important during this unsettled period for them.He will leave the house he will even pay the mortgage, I dont know what more he can do.

FBaby

What has prompted her to go away like this and be so spiteful about the kids?

balletshoes

your brother needs legal advice, and quickly. Don't put it off, I can understand he doesn't want to rock the boat, but the sooner he has formal access/custody arrangements in place, the sooner he and the children will have a basis for some kind of settled relationship. Right now there is none of this, its no wonder your brother is suffering, sounds like his ex is trying to twist the knife a little too.

supersavershal

FBaby wrote: »

What has prompted her to go away like this and be so spiteful about the kids?

She said she doesnt love my brother any more, and that is fair enough people fall out of love.I think she would have done this a couple of years ago but she needed him and us to care for the children and support her so she could go to uni.
Things were strained for a while she wouldnt go out anywhere with him and spend time with him but he just thought it was the volume of work she was doing, he thought once she qualified the pressure would go and they could be a family.
We have honestly done everything possible to help her, I have declined job offers because what I did fitted in with helping her with the children.The youngest one used to call me mum for a while as I had him from when he was two weeks old, she used to go to uni at 7am, my brother would get them up and ready take eldest to school, then from midday I would have the youngest, pick my neice up from school give them their tea and she would collect them at 6 and say oh great I only have to put them to bed because I have lots of work to do.On his days off my brother cared for them totally, if I was in work my parents did it.
When my neice has been ill in school it was me who colllected her if my brother was in work, then he would come out of work and care for her.
It is like losing one of my own children our relationship was that close.Apparantly I am not allowed to see them in case they hear me talking ill of their mother when she not there, I would never ever do that.
My brother adores those children.She also said he isnt very good at doing housework and she hasnt got time to do it, well since she left the house is spotless.

princessdreamer

From the sound of it the mother felt suffocated by her partner and his family. Her get out plan is to move away and she has every right to do so. They need to sort out amicable access arrangements and move on. The mother here is being painted as some sort of monster when all she wants is a new life away from a dead relationship.