SAHP v Working Parent

AimeesMum_2

Hi all,

I am 22yrs old with a 3yr old and a 5 month old baby. I am about to go back to work full time after being off on maternity leave for 6 months. I earn £23,800 a year.

I started the kids in nursery last week and I am really struggling with my feelings of leaving them and if I am doing the right thing. Financially I am only about £300 per month better off than being on benefits but know that in a few years time when they are out of childcare that the financial benefits will greatly increase. If I was to stop working now I am almost certain that I will not be able to get back into such a well paid job after being out of work for 5 years (when youngest goes to school).

Can I ask which route any of you parents have taken and what you feel the advantages and disadvantages are? I am just weighing up my options and some advice would be greatly welcomed xxxx

FBaby

I have taken the route of working and there is not once inch of doubt that this was the right thing to do. I became a single mum when my eldest was 3 and youngest 18 months. I went back to work 30 hours a week. It was VERY hard and really I had no life but work and looking after the kids for yaers. I used to be in bed at 9pm exhausted and often felt like an old grandma!

Today, my kids are 8 and 11, and I earn a very good salary. I was promoted twice during that time and salary has gone up in line with them. I am still very tired which still frustrates me, but we have a very pleasant life. No worries about how much is on my account, no worry about going out if we want to. I am still very careful and rarely buy 'extra', but that's more to teach my kids value of money than because I can't afford it. We are enjoying nice holidays which make up for the busy weeks we have. I am now with a new partner, had to turn to internet to meet him as no time to go out, but he is my soulmate and it is highly unlikely I would have met him in the places I might have gone out anyway! And of course, there is the incredibly valuable feeling that I am independent and don't need to rely on anyone to support myself and my children even though I have total trust in my partner.

What really makes me feel positive about my decision is that my kids are so happy and well-adjusted kids. The nursery they went to was wonderful, really look after them as individuals and as much as we like to think that as a mum we are bound to be the best carer for our children, I can admit to myself that they received some care there that I might not have been as good at providing. I feel that both environment was the perfect mix for them to grow into confident children. They built caring relationships with some of the staff, and 4 years on, they are still in regular contact with one of them.

My advice would be to go back to work and see how it goes. If at any time you feel it is making you a bad mother or your children are clearly unhappy, you can always reconsider your choice.

FBaby

I wanted to add, you are very young and earning a good salary for your age, it would be such a pity to potentially throwing away the opportunity of a good career/salary if you can make it work for you and your children.

ladymarmalade1970

My life is very similar to the last poster. My youngest was in childcare from 6 months old. It was hard but i had a fantastic childminder for when they started school. I had 3 children and was a single parent for years. We lived in a housing association house. We now have a lovely home (plus a couple of other properties) and i also have a partner. I too, got him off the internet, he is my soul mate and we have been together 5 years.
For me, it was definitely the right thing to do. In fact, i think if you are a single parent it's more important to go to work as it gives you so many more choices. If you didn't go to work now you could find yourself in 5 years time, when the kids are at school, having to take a dead end job. Employers respect single parents - from my experience anyway.

Prudent

Goodness I am about to add a third similar story.

I choose the route of full time work as a single mum. I have a demanding job with a mountain of paperwork that it is impossible to get done within normal working hours. I was very tired too and like Fbaby was in bed by 9pm every night. Weekends seemed to be lost to housework, shopping and trying to give my daughter all the usual outings and activties. I also renovated a house through this period! On a Friday night my dd went to stay with a friend and I met up with some other friends to unwind over a glass of wine, but this was really my social life. A friend used to joke that if I wanted to meet someone he would need to come and knock at my door. Yet that is literally what happened. I got assaulted at work and during the recuperation I met my postie. We have been togther for years and are now engaged.

The plus sides are the financial security and the sense of self worth you get from supporting yourself and your children. It gives freedom and choices that you don't get on benefits. I now own a nice house outright, have good savings and never need to worry about money. I am still very careful with money though as it was so tight for many years. I have found the late teenage years more expensive than the childcare stage.

Remember though even if you are better off later in life you can't buy back those years. I moved jobs a couple of times when I felt the workload was so high that I didn't have enough time with my dd.

onlyroz

Sounds like you've got great potential and you should absolutely stick with it. I think the people that say childcare in some way damages your child have obviously got no experience of it. My son was in full-time childcare from around 9 months old, and my daughter was from 6 months. They're both turning out just fine.

The only difficulty that I have is in finding the time to help with all the homework that my son gets (and he's only 6 :shocked:). His school seems to assume that all the kids have a parent at home (in particular with their ridiculous policy of starting off the kids on half-days for the first term of reception - but that's a separate rant :mad:) and they're always seeking demands on the parents' time.

pandora205

Well done OP for having achieved so much so early. Although it will be tough emotionally and practically, you have achieved a great deal towards securing the financial future for your family.

You may not be much better off yet but think of your job as an investment for the future. Take every opportunity for training and career development when you go back to work, especially if these are paid for by your employer. Also take some time to think longer term about your career: what would you like to achieve in 10 years time? What would be your ideal job?

I'm a single parent with teens/young adult children and I've worked hard over the years and I have a fantastic career. It's given me independence and security, and in a few years a good pension too. And hopefully it's shown my children what can be achieved.

Kimberley82

I choose the other option. I was a SAHM for 8 years and am so glad i did. The time at home with my children was so special and I cant imagine anything being worth missing it.

janninew

Hi OP,
I also went back to work full time and my children were put into nursery (not quite full time as my Mum has them 2 days a week). It is hard and something I've spent hours worrying about. It helps if you can be super organised and plan your free time well. I feel for me that I've made the right choice, my children are happy and settled at nursery.

Good luck whatever you decided.

balletshoes

yep, another full time worker here - I went back to work full time when my daughter was 5 months old. I was the only wage earner, and a single parent, so for me I never considered I wouldn't go back to work. She had a full time childminder (and my sister had her one day a week) until she was 1, when she went into nursery. Child tax credits helped with my childcare costs.
Actually, I found it logistically easier to work full time hours before she started primary school. Since then I've reduced my hours so that I take her to school in the morning for breakfast club at 8am, and collect her each day at 3.15pm.

I also was on a good salary which I would not get again for many years if I had left work altogether. Yes, it was hard leaving her with others to start with, but children are very adaptable, and its certainly not done her or our relationship any harm at all, she's 10 now, a smart, sensitive, loving child and we have lots of fun together .

Theres no right or wrong side of the discussion on this subject, as everyone will do what they feel is right for their family and situation.

fannyanna

AimeesMum wrote: »

Hi all,

I am 22yrs old with a 3yr old and a 5 month old baby. I am about to go back to work full time after being off on maternity leave for 6 months. I earn £23,800 a year.

I started the kids in nursery last week and I am really struggling with my feelings of leaving them and if I am doing the right thing. Financially I am only about £300 per month better off than being on benefits but know that in a few years time when they are out of childcare that the financial benefits will greatly increase. If I was to stop working now I am almost certain that I will not be able to get back into such a well paid job after being out of work for 5 years (when youngest goes to school).

Can I ask which route any of you parents have taken and what you feel the advantages and disadvantages are? I am just weighing up my options and some advice would be greatly welcomed xxxx

Hi OP,

I hope I don't come across as rude asking but are you a single parent or do you have a partner supporting you?

Either way do you have financial support from the childrens father?