'Wedding etiquette...' blog discussion

Former_MSE_Helen

This is the discussion to link on the back of Martin's blog. Please read the blog first, as this discussion follows it.

Read Martin's "Wedding etiquette – am I alone in preferring to be told what gifts a couple wants? " Blog.

Please click 'post reply' to discuss below.

Tigsteroonie

I think there's a difference between (1) the bride/groom enclosing a wedding present list within an invitation that comes completely out of the blue, or writing "Cash rather than duplicated gifts please" on said invitation; and (2) the recipient responding to the invitation by directly asking whether there is a wedding present list.

I don't want the implication to be that I have to buy a present; but if I want to and offer to do so, I don't mind receiving guidance.

ETA. I may not follow their guidance though - particularly if they ask for cash!

luxor4t

I agree with you, Martin.
Wedding gifts should be about helping a new couple set up home and I believe that the new couple's 'needs' are more important here than any preference that I may have for ornaments or 'wedding day' photoframes etc.
If they want cash or a voucher, that is what I give.

clearing_out_my_pockets

I am getting married next month. We have approached the gift scenario (I hope) quite sensitively.

On the invite there was no mention of gifts. On our wedding website there was no mention of gifts.

OH's family like gift lists and get offended by requests for cash. My family prefer to give money and get offended by gift lists. So if people still asked our parents what they could get us, OH's family were directed to a (small, inexpensive) John Lewis gift list, whereas mine were advised to give us euro or something a little more personal.

OH has met all of my family before, so they all know both of our tastes whereas I will be meeting a lot of OH's extended family for the first time on our wedding day.

We have stressed that no one should feel obliged to give us anything, and we also acknowledge that it's difficult buying a gift for a couple who have been living together. My best friend, for example, is choosing a photo from the day to have put onto canvas for us.

tgroom57

I agree with Martin, and not just at wedding time. My daughter is getting married sometime soon, and I have already picked out what I'd like to get her. But she might not like it, in which case I shall keep it for myself and give her the money.

We start off on the right foot - having children write letters to Santa, but then it all goes astray after that.
I have a wish list on Amazon if anyone is feeling generous. (lol)

kezbabybabe

It's an interesting dilemma...

Another side of this is that when someone gives a gift it is usually more expensive than if the person was to give money, well I find anyway.

My friend, that I have known since infants, is getting married soon and they have asked for money for their honeymoon. They have their own homes (she has a little one), so has everything they would need, so they would only be replacing items anyway.

Another friend of mine when asked about gifts, said there was no need to get anything but if we wanted to give money towards their honeymoon that would be great.

I think it's a cultural thing and what we have been bought up believing to be the right thing.

What would I do? I would've prefer the money for a honeymoon, as when I am on a budget and couldn't afford the honeymoon to come straight after the wedding.

JimmyTheWig

The expectation is that people will bring you gifts. So I don't think there's anything rude about asking for what you want.
[Obviously it depends on how you ask!]

It's interesting, though. We asked for vouchers and got mainly vouchers and cash. But the ones I remember are the people who got us presents off their own back.

kezbabybabe wrote: »

Another side of this is that when someone gives a gift it is usually more expensive than if the person was to give money, well I find anyway.

No, I think the opposite is true. We're better at shopping for bargains than most (not necessarily than most on here, though!). If we buy a gift it generally looks more than it cost. But you can't do that with cash or vouchers and so have to give more.

sawan82

I agree it's a cultural issue, but what I've seen on cards from Asian weddings when I was a child is 'No Boxed Gifts Please'. My opinion then was buy a vase and just wrap it in paper rather than putting it in a box My parents then explained to me it's a polite way of saying cash is preferred, especially as weddings can be so expensive, and cash helps to pay for it, or the honeymoon or towards a deposit on a house etc.

I wouldn't mind giving or receiving cash at all.

*KT*

Maybe what we all need is a better understanding of shifting cultures. Not all shifts in culture are bad.

Sure, there needs to be a line but everyone's definition of manners and rudeness is slightly different and they will all draw the line in different places. There really isn't one rule book for this and maybe we should all just live, let live and accept that people will do what they feel is right for them, and you retain the right to disagree.

bylromarha

Wedding gift lists are fine, it's making cash the only thing on the list that's the problem.

MJL81

Cash makes far more sense, all the goals we strive for here at MSE are the needs and desires of a happy couple; Give the gift of security, freedom, choice. Imagine the conversation as they relate to you how they spent the money, giving the opportunity for conversation, rather than simply 'oh yes, we really love the Power Rangers Bedside Squash Maker & Alarm Clock, such a humorous take on post-modernist !!!!!! gifts'. Personally I avoid wedding like the plaque, but only because of the unspecified expectations (that and as a career singleton, with professional standing, I begrudge the constant stream of happy people who will inevitably have more than one white wedding).

Loved the nod to Sopranos, I'd considered that, but a few ironed £5 stuffed into an envelope doesn't really have the same impact as an inch of pinkies.