parent live nursing home or my home

mary50

hi
i havent wrote on here before but thought i would share my thoughts with you. i am in a dilema wether or not to have my 89 yr old disabled mum come live with me. she is in hospital now but could come out by next weekend. she lives in her own bungalow 5 miles away and usually has carers come in 5 times a day and once in the nit as she is incontinent and can only just stand to turn around to sit on gliderbar. i go everyday to see her and she has been in hospital twice this year with chest infections and i always feel guilty at her having to be alone in her house.
i have a partner and 2 older kids who agree mum could go in the back room i would like to do this but dont no if i could cope and would she be still able to get some of the help she receives in my home like she did in hers.
when i was 13 we had my nana live with us it although it was only for a short while b4 she passed away
ok course this all boils down to money and i no i will get replies telling me just to put her in a home but i feel so quilty when she could come to me
my mum has her small bungalow and savings of 60k i am riddled with guilt that if i put her in a nursing home all of her assets will be gone on her care in a few years and we wanted it to be a nest egg for me and my sisters children not bothered about the money for ourselves it is the children we think about as my parents did the same for us i have heard she would have to pay over £550 a week in a home it seems like all my late dad and mum worked for would now be spent on her care i thiink i should have seen this situation arising i think i sound really mean and horrid as well as feeling like that with guilt about not wanting to spend her money on a nursing home
so if anyone out ther has a disabled parent living with them please let me now what you think thanks

onlyroz

You shouldn't view your mum's assets as your own - it does sound like your only reason for wanting her to stay is to protect your inheritance. If you take her in then it will be a lot of work, potentially for many years to come. Would it not be better for her to go into proper nursing care, where she will be looked after by professionals and have the opportunity to socialise a bit?

brummiebabe

What are your Mum's views? Think that's most important.

To be honest, it does sound like your only motivation for having her with you is to save your inheritance. What about thinking whether it's the best thing for her?

PasturesNew

In a home she'll be surrounded by people just like her and will be able to chat to them about stuff - and perhaps go on outings in comfy minibuses with people just like her - and be able to chat about those trips for weeks to come. She'll have stuff to talk about and be 'among friends'.

If you 'stick her in the back room' she'll not really feel part of anything, she'll feel a nuisance and a burden. She won't have anybody of her age to chat to and everything'll be down to you and you'll feel the pressure to not only look after her, but to entertain her too.

She'll have quality of life in a home - just make sure you visit her a lot.

She'll have bingo mornings and her neighbours' visitors will become her own visitors as they also chat to her in passing. She'll have a nice routine based around a quiet life and not feel like an afterthought in your household's schedule and activities.

Go on, stick her in a home - she'll love it once it's done and dusted.

brummiebabe

She is a person in her own right, unless she hasn't got capacity to make decisions of this nature. She needs to be involved in the decision rather than just 'sticking her in a home'

Mojisola

mary50 wrote: »

she lives in her own bungalow 5 miles away and usually has carers come in 5 times a day and once in the nit as she is incontinent and can only just stand to turn around to sit on gliderbar.

I would think very seriously about this before agreeing to it. You and, in effect, your OH and children will on duty 24/7. Could you cope with what you have to do during the day if you have been up two or three times in the night because your mother has been calling out for help?

Are you prepared to never go away from the house for long because who will look after your mother if you do?

Are you in a bungalow or will you have to adapt your house - stairlift, walk-in shower, etc? Do you have more than one bathroom for the occasions when someone else is in the bath and your mother needs the toilet urgently?

I'm all in favour of supporting older people at home. I am doing this for my parents at the moment but I know there will come a point when they need more care than I can provide. I think it sounds as if your mother has already passed this point.

If you decide to give it a try in order to protect her money for her grandchildren, how much help is your sister going to give you? If her children are going to benefit, is she willing to share the responsibility with you? Is she happy for your mother to give you some money every week as a contribution to your household or will she start seeing that as you taking "her children's money"?

As your mother has reasonable assets, I presume she is paying for the carers she has coming in so she could continue paying for those and increase them, if necessary, but that does mean you will have people in and out of your house all the time. Are the rest of the family happy with this?

I assume your mother is claiming high rate Attendance Allowance. If you add up all the money she has coming in each week and look at how much interest she could earn from the capital if the bungalow was sold, you may find that it covers quite a bit of the care home fees. Alternatively, she could rent the bungalow out and use that money.

The above is stuff for you to think about - the over-riding point of all this is what does your mother want to do? Does she want to spend the rest of her life in your back bedroom? Might she not be happier living in a social environment with other people around her and having someone to help her at any time of the day or night?

Her money is still hers until she dies and should be spent on what is best for her.

margaretclare

I couldn't agree more with Mojisola.

Think about this seriously. It's easy to have an emotional reaction - she's my mum, all that goes along with those thoughts. Just think about what you wrote. While at home she has carers come in 5 times a day. 5 times!!! In addition, she needs attention during the night. She 'can only just stand' and lean on something.

Have you any experience of dealing with these kind of problems? The carers will usually have some NVQ training as a minimum. Moving and handling is a basic - AFAIK they all have to have that at least. This is going to be not only a full-time job but one that requires your physical and mental commitment 24/7.

I think talking about money is actually clouding the real issue here. It is just completely unrealistic for one person, her husband and children, to take on what a team of people would do, people experienced in this field. You'd be knackered by the end of the week, and then you'd be the one needing care and attention - and mum would still be there!!!

podperson

Mary, I really feel for you as it's a horrible decision to have to make. My mum had to make the decision to put her mum (my nana) in a home and I know she was in tears for weeks as she felt so guilty about it. At the end of the day though she had to accept that my nana needed more professional care then she was capable of giving her and that it would have been a massive effect on the rest of the family. I'm not saying that it's automatically right for you but you need to think through all the consequences, if your mother does move in you are going to be very much tied to the house - what if you want to go out for the day, what if you even nip to the shops or to pick your children up from somewhere and something happens to her. There is also the social aspect of it, while you and your family will obviously be spending some time with her you'll have your own things to do as well, would she maybe like the opportunity to be around people her own age? Most of these places have lots of social areas and organised activities if people want to get involved in them.
I would try not to focus on the money side - at the end of the day it is your mum's money at the moment so if it needs to go on her comfort at this stage of her life then there's nothing wrong with that. Also as mentioned above have you discussed the options with your mum to see what her opinion on them is?

*Robin*

I suspect Mum will want to stay at her own home! OP, as your family appear to live locally, would it be possible to set up a spare bedroom as an 'on call' room - then take turns spending the night with your Mum?
That way, she would hopefully not lose her current carer support, but would have someone she loves with her every evening.

If all care homes were as wonderful as Mojisola suggests then none of us would have to worry about our elderly relatives. The reality is sadly, very different.

Mojisola

*Robin* wrote: »

If all care homes were as wonderful as Mojisola suggests then none of us would have to worry about our elderly relatives. The reality is sadly, very different.

Don't I know it! I'm in the process of assessing the local homes in case my parents do need to move into one. Some I've seen I wouldn't want to spend a day in, let alone get a relative to stay for years.

The OP's Mum will be self-funding so will have a choice of where she goes. As she's been in hospital, a short respite stay in a care home might be a good way of her trying out a home to see if she likes it more than being at home alone.

I find it hard to imagine what it would be like to be a very frail, elderly, incontinent lady being alone most of the day apart from flying visits by a variety of carers. It must be quite a desolate way of life.

mary50

thanks for your replies yes it would be a big commitment to have mum at my house if when she is ready to come out i will talk to the social services about her getting more care in because they have told me they try to keep them in their own home as long as possible even providing a hoist if needed.which i hope it doesnt come to but time will tell.
she is really well looked after with the carers makin her tea and a 3 course dinner bought in every day it was just me feeling guilty about her on her own although she doesnt want to mix with others we have tried day centres and she just sat ther and didnt enjoy so she is quite happy with family takin her out and tv and knitting
thanks