parent live nursing home or my home

Mojisola

mary50 wrote: »

thanks for your replies yes it would be a big commitment to have mum at my house if when she is ready to come out i will talk to the social services about her getting more care in because they have told me they try to keep them in their own home as long as possible even providing a hoist if needed.which i hope it doesnt come to but time will tell.
she is really well looked after with the carers makin her tea and a 3 course dinner bought in every day it was just me feeling guilty about her on her own although she doesnt want to mix with others we have tried day centres and she just sat ther and didnt enjoy so she is quite happy with family takin her out and tv and knitting
thanks

Surely if she needs more care, you just have to arrange it? SS won't be paying for it if she has 60k in savings.

msgnomey

£550??? That's cheap, my OHs Nan is in one that costs £725 per week, but she's comfortable, close to her sons so they can visit, and well cared for, that is worth a lot

*Robin*

I have removed my post as I've decided it wasn't helpful to the OP's situation.

bluebag

I was just talking to my own mum about this the other day, she is in her seventies.

Her main point was she would want to stay in her own home whatever it took, she didn't want to be with strangers and she didn't feel she could fit in easily to family life at her age. She wants to be able to do it her way I guess.

One thing I did realise, is whatever I promised to do, I would have to continue to do it, so I thought very,very carefully before making a commitment as I didn't want to ever let her down. For me it was better to promise a little and keep to it than to promise a lot and have to back track and cause dissapointment.

In your shoes I would talk to her, see what she would like and try and meet somewhere in the middle.

daska

I suspect you need to gen up on how the financial aspect of care at home / care homes works with regard to your mum's finances. Here's how it works where my mum is:

for care at home:
over £23,250 in savings and investments is self funding - i.e. paying for all care
protected savings are 14,250 - below this and the contribution is based only on income
between 14,250 and 23,250 the local council assume £1 of income per week per £250 (i.e. £52/year which is over 20%!)
protected income for a single person is £171.69/week

for a care home
again she will be classed as fully funding until her savings are worn down. Then she'll be allowed pocket money of about £20/week out of her pension.

in other words, unless you have her at home and provide or pay for all the necessary care yourself then she will continue to pay directly for her care or pay a contribution to her local council until she's spent the majority of her savings.

if she sells her house then that means there will be more money to spend on the care before the local council will stump up.

lallysmum

Whether your mum would prefer to live with you or not, you need to think very carefully as to whether you can offer the level of care she needs.

Despite the carer's who would come in to help, it is still a massive tie on your life and freedom, and I say this as someone who has been caring full time for her mother for the last 10 years.

If your mother is happy in her own home, and the caring provision is all set up and adequate, I'd think about leaving her there and you popping over a few times a day. If it's no longer viable to have her home alone, I would consider a nursing home, *unless* you feel able to properly be there for her 24 hours a day.. without HER money for you to live on.

If I could go back 10 years, I would have made a very different decision, that's not to say I don't love my mother, I do, but full time care is not an easy thing to provide. I am, hopefully, going to have my first holiday in 10 years this summer as she will be going into respite (fingers firmly crossed, not tempting any forms of fate here) for 8 days. And that will be literally the first time I have had more than 5 hours to myself in all that time. Even when she is in hospital I am the first port of call for the doctors, nurses, my mother if she gets more confused. Even when I shop for an hour I get at least 3 phone calls from her. I get no more than three hours uninterrupted sleep at a time. I have NO social life. My children (15 and 4) get very few days out or time away from it. Obviously I am painting a worst case scenario picture, but you really do have to consider everything.

When I first started this, her doctor told me she had a couple of years at most to live. I wanted to show her the care that she showed me when I was a child. That was 10 years ago, I am 33 now, and have no real prospects for decent employment when the worst happens, and don't have the sort of life most people my age do. But she's my mum, and I love her, so it's what I do.

Just think very, very carefully to what you will be committing to.

Caroline_a

Please think carefully. I looked after my dad, although i was working fulltime during this period, luckily very close to home. Within a period of 4 years he went from being a sprightly old man, into a very frail old man who fell over regularly, spent periods in hospital when they would assess him as suitable to be at home without seeing our stairs, let alone the rest of the house. He finally recognised that I couldnt look after him any more and we chose a beautiful care home for him. I couldnt care less about the money, it was about the home itself. Unfortunately he died in his sleep 24 hours after he moved in, but it could have been very different had we done it earlier when he would have had 24 hour professional care.

It was a huge strain, caring for him, and all my kids had left home, so i had no pressures from that side. If I had to do it all again, I'd talk to him about a care home a lot earlier. And when it comes to my turn i have told my girls that I want them to find me a nice care home and get on with their own lives.

piglet6

I agree with the view of many above. Although I do not have personal first hand experience of the situation, my mother gained a mother-in-law 50+ years her senior when she married (my dad is 14 years older than my mum and he was the fourth and final child, who still lived at home with Mum, although it was "his" house and she actually lived with him!). My mum was a trained nurse (SRN/midwife/health visitor/district nurse) but she still struggled as my granny succumbed to alzheimer's and needed round the clock care. It is the reason (and both my parents admit this!) that I am an only child - they wanted a family, but by the time I came along after 4 years of marriage, they were bolting the doors to stop both the toddler and the OAP escaping, and changing nappies for both of us, and they didn't feel they could cope with another baby as well. By the time granny died when I was 7, they felt that the age gap was too big...

More recently, I have a friend whose mother sold her house 100 miles away and moved in to live with her "temporarily" while she looked for a house nearby nearly 4 years ago. My friend is 40 with a 17 year old, a 12 year old and an 11 year old, and her marriage is fast approaching breaking point (and her husband is one of the most easy going and generous people I know!). Her mother has aged incredibly in the last 4 years, and now refuses to do anything for herself. She has carers who come in to get her up and put her to bed, but she refuses to do anything for herself, even things she is perfectly capable of - i.e. she will call my friend to help her to the toilet, even though she is capable of doing this by herself. Similarly, she does things in front of the carers, which she then refuses to do when they have gone, putting a lot of strain on my friend. Her family life is struggling - it has affected the lives of her grandchildren, and her daughter, and she feels that she is entitled to expect her family to do these things for her, without question...

My mother, (who spent 20+ years working as a health visitor/liaison sister for the elderly, and therefore came into contact with lots of these types of situations), is firmly of the belief that when she reaches an age when she needs help and care, she wants to go into a home. (I struggle with this, as I believe, like lots of people, that it is my reponsibility to care for my parents when they are older, in the same way they cared for me when I was younger...). However, her reasoning for this is that she wants me to spend "quality time" with her. She has seen too many daughters (and sons) who become unappreciated carers because parents grow to expect things of them, and would rather that I visit her because I want to spend time with her, not because I have to collect/deliver the washing. She says she would rather I sit and chat to her or we go out for a walk, or watch TV together, etc, rather than I dash round cleaning her home, changing her bed, etc. She wants me to spend time with her because I want to, not because I have to - and when I do see her, she wants to spend time with me, not just watch me doing her housework, etc. Although this situation is still a long time off for me (hopefully!) - I can appreciate her point of view, and am grateful that she is able to think this way...

In your situation, I would not worry about the money - it is your mother's and if it needs to be spent to make her life better (and also not dramatically affect your children's lives by making them young carers) I would use it in this way. Better for them to have good and happy memories of their time with their grandmother, and not inherit so much money, than inherit more cash, but resent the way they had to spend their childhood "earning" every penny!!

P x

margaretclare

bluebag wrote: »

I was just talking to my own mum about this the other day, she is in her seventies.

Her main point was she would want to stay in her own home whatever it took, she didn't want to be with strangers and she didn't feel she could fit in easily to family life at her age. She wants to be able to do it her way I guess.

One thing I did realise, is whatever I promised to do, I would have to continue to do it, so I thought very,very carefully before making a commitment as I didn't want to ever let her down. For me it was better to promise a little and keep to it than to promise a lot and have to back track and cause disappointment.

In your shoes I would talk to her, see what she would like and try and meet somewhere in the middle.

I am in my 70s. If this scenario happened to me, I'd hate to be stuck in someone's back bedroom no matter how loving and well-meaning the people were.

I think we'd all prefer to be in our own homes, because that's where we've chosen to be, we've made it our own, maybe done adaptations to our own liking and for our own convenience. Moving in with a family member might be the worst alternative from a practical point of view. Could your Mum get around the house, could she use the bathroom - those things are crucially important.

LEJC

However well intentioned your actions are...its worth remembering thats its incredibly difficult to look after ageing and disabled family member in your own home...my mother suffers dementia and whilst I would love her to have care at home and would be willing to look after her...the time it demands easily impacts on your life and that of your family members...
Do think long and hard before committing to it..sometimes you just have to accept your limitations and allow others or a home to help.