Can't cope, please please help

THIRZAH

Hi Dandy Candy
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Purpleheather is right-try to take things a day at a time.

If you find the cooking a problem (and who wouldn't at a time like this) but don't want ready meals would your family eat things like omelettes or cold meat with salad or baked potatoes?

I've always thought that the American custom of taking casseroles etc to a bereaved family a good idea.

When my mother died my DDs were in the middle of exams so only came down for the funeral. I stayed for over a week in my Mum's empty house and was so shell-shocked that I ate frozen shepherds pie for dinner every night for a week-when I'd used up all the ones in her freezer I went to Tesco but had no appetite so ended up buying more shepherds pies.

You need to look after yourself. Your family are old enough to help more. If your eldest child is 18 he/she will probably be off to college soon and doing the washing etc will be good practice for them.

babyshoes

Hi Dandy Candy, I am sorry to hear about your Mum.

It sounds like you need help but don't know what specific things to ask for. If friends ask if they can do anything, why not take them up on it? There is no shame asking if they would cook a family meal or two for the freezer! Things like bolognese sauce, pasta sauce, casseroles, lasagne, soup etc all freeze well.

Your children are certainly old enough to do most of the chores for you, including cooking basic meals like stir fry, grilled chops/sausages with frozen mash and microwaved frozen veg, curry made with a jar of sauce, fish fingers, chips and salad etc.

You say they will do tasks if asked, but only if asked, which imples that like teenagers everywhere they don't 'see' that things need doing. Why not make a list of tasks that need doing, you can tell them to split them up evenly between themselves, and give them a timeframe to get them finished. Make sure they are small, acheivable tasks like 'do a load of washing then hang it out' rather than 'do all the washing, hang it out then iron it and put it away.' Another chore can be 'collect dry washing from the line, iron clothes that need it, fold and put away'.

When that list is completed, just make out a new one, and repeat. A different way to handle it would be to put a list of tasks on the fridge door each day, and each person has to choose (say) 2. When a task is done, they put their name by it. That way, if they are quick they get to chose tasks they find easy, but if they are lazy and leave it until later they get the ones no-one else wants...

I expect your OH doesn't know how to 'handle' you at the moment, men are often bad when dealing with emotions. If you as a family aren't too broke, could he arrange for a cleaner to come in for a couple of hours to help you blitz the house? Then you won't have to worry for a while about things like vaccuming, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom etc. It is also a good reason to get the kids tidying up, so the cleaner can GET to the carpet to vaccuum it, for example!

kippers

Just wanted to reiterate what others have said. It's such early days, don't beat yourself up. Lots of hugs being sent your way today

belfastgirl23

Do you have any good friends who would be willing to help you 'blitz' the house? Often people really want to help but don't know how. They might even be willing to prepare a few freezer meals as well to help you out. I know if you were my friend who had lost her mum, I'd just be wanting to know what I could do to lighten the load.

And what you're feeling is entirely normal, don't be hard on yourself about it.

elaine373

You need to take one day at a time and maybe write a list of what needs doing .Tell the kids that you are just not up to doing your usual tasks.Even if they dont do everything,i am sure they will do some.I lost my mum 7 years ago and it changed me as a person.I do feel for you because its a process that is so painful.Be kind to yourself and take it easy.Hope your family pulls together for you.xxx

uolypool

Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum.The most important thing I think at the moment is to look after yourself.Like others have said the house will still be standing without a full clean done every day. Also at the ages your children are they are more than capeable of doing stuff.So is hubby.
I couldnt read and run and really just want to send a huge hug for you
(((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) its all very new and raw at the mo but the closness you shared with your mum will give you the strength to move forward.I lost my dad when I was 7 (31years ago) and I still think of him everyday but time is a great healer .Please put yourself first and take care hun , there are always ppl on here that will help when you just need to help.I have had no end of help with situations in my life.

Trinny

Hello DC

My mum died in April 2010 with cancer too. :grouphug: Its a very difficult time. I havent had time to read the thread yet - but the thing that stands out in your post - is who do you have who can help you, or how can you get things done in other ways.

We dont know eachother - but can a neighbour/friend/relative/OH do more to help in practical ways. At times like this, people are desparate to do something tangible to help out. Anything to take the pressure off your shoulders.

You need time to grieve - and it does take time (still going through it myself)

Sending you very best wishes.

If you want to talk - PM me

Love

Trinny