Can't cope, please please help

CRANKY40

Sorry about your mum. Right, you need to make a plan of your priorities. Ready meals mean they won't starve just now, so that's OK - bottom of the list. The house will still be standing even if it's a dump, so that's ok too - next from bottom. The kitchen does however need to be fairly clean as food poisoning is nasty, so that goes near the top. I'd say the washing is fairly important so that needs to be near the top of your list too. Give the kids some jobs. One can pick up towels and food wrappers, one can pick up shoes and school books (depending on how many children you have I'm sure you could think of a few more things for them to do).

When my husband died, the crying every day didn't stop for about 4 months....so I tried to behave like a sane person most of the day and then cried every night after my little boy had gone to bed. By this time most of the jobs had been done and I was free just to sit and let my emotions wash over me. We mostly ate chip butties and takeaways, and I ended up putting on 3 stone. It's not the end of the world though, even though you're worried about your husband. I am now at slimming world and have lost 2 stone in the last 10 weeks. It can be done when you have sorted out some of the chaos, so that can be near the middle of your list.

I am a lot less organised about housework these days - I have realised that the world doesn't come to a standstill if I don't hoover every day and keep the house spotless. Big hugs, and remember your mum will always be in your heart even if she's not in your day to day life any more.

EstherH

Dandy-Candy,

So sorry about your the loss of your mum. I haven't experienced that and can't begin to imagine how it feels but I have gone through other bad grieving periods and know hat it takes time. Others are saying that you aren't getting support from your husband but he is probably grieving in his way too. Kids are kids and do leave everything everywhere. They are thoughtless and need to be trained but now is not the time for you to be doing that. Maybe you could talk to your family about a bit more help to sort things out and the suggestion of asking others for help is a good one. Usually people feel helpless, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do. Why not call someone and tell them how you feel and ask for some help with the house, shopping or making a meal. Do you think you could do that?

Don't feel guilty about how things are at the moment. You will get through this. Baby steps were mentioned. Just try doing one thing extra each day, but if you can't you can't.

God bless. Esther

Kittikins

Dandy-candy, so sorry to hear of your mum's passing and I agree with the advice given on here, 2 weeks is no time at all and don't forget, that your husband and children will be grieving too, but in a different way to you, so you all need time, tenderness, and blow the non-essential tasks around the house.

As Cranky40 said, do the essentials like keeping the kitchen hygienic and doing the washing, but everything else can go hang for a while. Look after yourselves and accept any offers of help you get from friends, relatives and neighbours xx

patchwork_cat

Dandy your story struck a chord - that could have been me, writing in a way. You are grieving and everyone else had better pick up the slack. Can your DH cook? If so then he should - millions of people work and run a house, so he can. You are ill and the sooner everyone realises that the better.

My mum died of cancer when I was 28 and immediately I was like you in fact I can't remember that time at all. I did rally, but then ever since I am struck with bouts of depression just like you describe. You are grieving and depressed and the family had better realise. Call a family meeting and tell them you are ill and need them to help. Draw up a chore list and make it worth their while either benefits or removal of privelidges. You ahve shaken yourself enough to write this post then just a bit longer to get them organised then grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are in pain, but give yourself time, grieve - in fact you are doing better than I did at the 2 week stage i wouldn't have noticed if a bomb had dropped!

How old are your children?

Boodle

Dandy Candy,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss and your grief. I agree that it does not sound like you are getting much support. Sometimes people think they are helping i.e. offering ready meals or takeaways so you "don't have to cook" but do not realise that this is not the type of "help" that actually supports you.

Perhaps you could ask your husband and children (I'm not sure how old they are) to have a look at this thread here so they might better understand how much you need their support and how they might be able to provide that support in the aftermath of your losing your mother.

Let yourself grieve for your mother.

I hope you find some physical and emotional support fom your loved ones soon xxx

happierdaystocome

Dandy-candy I am so sorry to hear about your loss, it sounds like the last few months have taken there tole on you both physically and mentally. You need to allow yourself the time to grieve and also recoup your strengh.

I know its not a long term solution but is there any chance of for the short term making use of outside help from friend or family to support you in making babysteps towards addressing housework, shopping, cooking etc. I know that sometimes we can feel like we are imposing on people, especially if you are battling depression as well as trying to cope with grieve, but most people will be more than happy to be able to offer you practical support.

BitterAndTwisted

Angel, it's only been two weeks. You have been suffering monumental stress and are allowed to grieve for as long as it takes. Let your home go to rack and ruin until you find the strength to get back on track. Be patient with yourself. Those anti-depressants can sometimes take a fair amount of time to start kicking in. Meanwhile go back to your GP and see whether you need an increased dosage.

You need help and support from your family and I think you should ask for it. No, demand it! It's what you deserve.

spuddy1

Hi Dandy Candy, I am really sorry that i don't have any particularly helpful advise for you, the other posters are right though, what you are eating and the state of your house are the least important things at the moment so please don't be hard on yourself about that.

I don't post very often and but I just had to reply to you as your post brought a tear to my eye, I am also very close to my mum and could not image how I would feel if I lost her. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and sending as many positive thoughts your way as i can. Please take care of yourself and don't worry about being selfish, you deserve it at a time like this. xxxxxxxxxx

LameWolf

Dandy-candy, I can't add much to the advice you've been offered, but I didn't want to read and run.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Don't beat yourself up; you need to take time to grieve. As someone (was it Juliejim?) said, try and get the kitchen sorted at least - but baby-steps only; just one bowlful of washing up is a start, and pat yourself on the back when you've done it. Then maybe you'll feel up to tackling another baby-step. And so on.

I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. But you must allow yourself to feel all the emotions; it's the way forward.

Can you get some support from other family? Or even your GP?

All the best, my dear. (((HUG)))

dandy-candy

Thank you all so much, you're all so kind with your comments. My kids are 12,13 and 18 so can help out - and they do when asked, but only if asked. It's very sunny where I am today so I have managed to get a couple of loads of washing hung out but that's it so far. I know you are all right saying baby steps are they way to go, I just hate to feel low then look around me and see what a dump the place looks too. I also worry that sympathy only goes so far and if I drag on feeling like this for months people will get sick of me. I will try to tackle the kitchen today as the ants issue makes me feel a bit eww, so I am going to rope the kids into to help on that one. I don't have anything in for lunch so I need to tackle a shopping list, oddly though I just keep going blank and can't remember what I usually buy. I hope I get my head around it all soon x