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Can't cope, please please help

dandy-candy
Posts: 2,214 Forumite


I'm trying so hard to keep it all together but the house is a disaster area, the cuboards are either bare or we're eating ready meals, the kids are digging through the dirty washing to find old socks to wear and I just want to hide in a corner.
My mum died 2 weeks ago today and my life has collapsed. She had cancer and was very ill for the last 4 months, and I was visiting her daily and it took it's toll. I have been on anti-depressants since 2 months ago and they are helping but it's all still so raw and I keep breaking down. Mum and I were really close and phoned each other 4 or 5 times a day, and I took her shopping every week until she moved into a hospice. I feel like a zombie now she's gone and don't know what to do.
The kids will help do a blitz tidy up on the house but the minute it's done they start leaving shoes, food wrappers, wet towels, school books everywhere. I nag and nag and they pick stuff up but 10 mins later they are doing it again. I feel like a nagging old bag to keep hounding them so just give up. My hub is just as messy and if I nag him he starts moaning back because he works and i don't.
I used to cook from scratch but now I have no passion for it. The washing piles up and yesterday I found ants had invaded the kitchen. My hub is being patient and kind about my not coping and buys loads of ready meals which he cooks for us but that stresses me out more because he is so overweight (over 21 stone with high cholestrol) and i'm scared he will have a heart attack and leave me alone (he is 46 and his mum had same problems and died at 51), but how can I moan at him about this when he is trying to help?
Lately all I can do is sit in the garden and read or go to my mum's house and lie on her bed and have a good cry.
I need to get my life and home back on track but I don't know how, please please help me, mum was who I always turned to for advice and now I can't cope.
My mum died 2 weeks ago today and my life has collapsed. She had cancer and was very ill for the last 4 months, and I was visiting her daily and it took it's toll. I have been on anti-depressants since 2 months ago and they are helping but it's all still so raw and I keep breaking down. Mum and I were really close and phoned each other 4 or 5 times a day, and I took her shopping every week until she moved into a hospice. I feel like a zombie now she's gone and don't know what to do.
The kids will help do a blitz tidy up on the house but the minute it's done they start leaving shoes, food wrappers, wet towels, school books everywhere. I nag and nag and they pick stuff up but 10 mins later they are doing it again. I feel like a nagging old bag to keep hounding them so just give up. My hub is just as messy and if I nag him he starts moaning back because he works and i don't.
I used to cook from scratch but now I have no passion for it. The washing piles up and yesterday I found ants had invaded the kitchen. My hub is being patient and kind about my not coping and buys loads of ready meals which he cooks for us but that stresses me out more because he is so overweight (over 21 stone with high cholestrol) and i'm scared he will have a heart attack and leave me alone (he is 46 and his mum had same problems and died at 51), but how can I moan at him about this when he is trying to help?
Lately all I can do is sit in the garden and read or go to my mum's house and lie on her bed and have a good cry.
I need to get my life and home back on track but I don't know how, please please help me, mum was who I always turned to for advice and now I can't cope.
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Hi dandy I dont post a lot, but reading your post I couldnt read and run.
I dont have any advice but I lost my dad in October and I still cry most days so just remember it will take a while to feel better so just give yourself time to grieve and stop being so hard on yourself.
sending you big hugs and best wishes
SamI MAY HAVE NOTHING.....BUT ITS MY NOTHING0 -
Sorry bout your Mum.
Right, you are not your husbands mother. If he can't be bothered to tidy up after himself then he isn't helping. The fact he works doesn't mean he doesn't have to give a monkeys about how he behaves at home.
Keep telling the kids when they've made a mess. Don't shout, or whine, just tell them. If they don't comply then they don't get to watch telly, or play out, or whatever else it is they are in such a hurry to do that they can't tidy after themselves.
You are not their slave.
There is a middle ground between ready meals and making everything from scratch. Buying some filled pasta shapes now and then helps me when I'm not feeling like spending hours in the kitchen.
It is totally understandable that you don't feel like doing much right now. It will feel better soon.
In the meantime, your family should be supporting you, not allowing you to feel guilty about the mess they are making.0 -
Hi Dandy-candy, I'm so sorry about your mum, I can understand why it has turned your life upside down.
Thank goodness you've got hubby and kids to help you get through. Maybe the best thing to do is to take small steps. Perhaps just put one load of washing in the machine. Making small achievements like this can really help the mentality and make you feel more capable.
I really hope things get easier for you.
Cait0 -
dandy-candy - first of all have a big ((((((HUG))))))
I lost my dear MIL to cancer nearly 2 years ago, my dear FIL to a broken heart 1 year ago next week and my Stepfather last September due to cancer. My Dad died 22 years ago and the memory of how I felt at the time is still hard to deal with.
You are grieving and that is why you are feeling as you are.
It is so difficult to care for someone, the emotions of visiting the hospice and then losing someone are unbearable.
Is there anyone who can come round a give you a hand? There are always people who say call them if you need anything. I think it`s time you did if you have had an offer.
They will be glad they can do something useful for you and you will have some support.
Don`t worry about an untidy house you can deal with that later.0 -
I'm really sorry for your loss. You are getting no support whatsoever from your Husband and this is where the problem lies. I'd say you need to disappear for a few days alone and let them get on with it if at all possible.Pants0
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Huge hugs - don't be so hard on yourself - 2 weeks is such a short time and it won't hurt to eat ready meals for a few weeks. Ask your hubby if he'll talk to the kids about helping you and not dropping stuff on the floor so it's not always you who seems to be nagging. Try just putting 1 load of washing on and asking the kids - if they're old enough - to put it on the line for you while it's nice - then it won't seem as much effort. But most of all give yourself time to grieve and look after yourself.
Take care - sorry I couldn't be more help.
JueNST #10 Steps 7K 2/30 10K 2/12 5 a day 3/30 NSD 0/20
MBNA £55000 -
Please, give yourself a break here. You are grieving for your Mum and you have every right to. I lost my Mum year before last from MND and it still breaks my heart. You will get good advice on here, better than I could give. In a way, I use this forum as a kind of 'mum' substitute when I need advice. Or a best friend, or agony aunt, or mr. motivator etc.
Now is maybe not the time to blitz the house. Maybe start with baby steps. It will get better in time.Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
(he points to some plastic cows on the table) are very small; those (pointing at some cows out of the window) are far away...:D:D
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Your mother died two weeks ago - the grief is still so raw, of course you're no use to anyone. Why on earth aren't your OH and children rallying round to look after you for a bit?
It doesn't sound as if you're getting the support you need which is so unfair after you giving your all to support your mother in her last months. I think a serious talk with your OH and then both of you talking to your children is in order.
If you can't get the support you need at home, at least contact a friend or relation who will help you.0 -
Dandy-candy,
Not sure I can really offer you any advice, but didn't want to read and run.
I am in the lucky position of not having yet experienced the grief of losing a parent. Having sad that, your reaction and feelings sound very normal to me, especially given that you were so close to your mum. Two weeks is no time at all- the grief must still be so raw, so it is no wonder you are struggling.
I am often in the position where the house is in a state, especially in the school holidays, when the kids seem to trash any room as soon as it has been tidied or cleaned.
Maybe it would help to set yourself one or two jobs that need to be done each day? You just might feel a little bit better for it, and over time the house, washing, cooking situation will slowly improve. It is natural to want to go and spend time at your mum's place- perhaps you would feel a little better about it if you went each day after you have done whatever job you set yourself for the day?
How old are your children? Maybe, depending on their age, it is time for them to start helping out a bit more anyway, so it could be time to start a hores list, with the incentive of a treat at the end of the week if they complete their list?
I'm sure your husband understands your grief, and can make allowances for it as regards the cooking etc. Maybe you could start by trying to cook something nice, but not too time consuming, at the weekend? At the same time, he needs to pull his weight- he might have been at work all day, but you have been with the kids all day, which is just like a day's work!!
Sening you lots of love and hugs. I'm sure your lovely mum would hate to see you so sad. I hope that before too long the grief won't be so raw, and that you will begin to think more of the lovely memories that you have of your mum.
Take care xxxSave £12k in 2021: Jan £1834.40, Feb £1692.810 -
I'm not sure I can offer much help to you, just wanted to say how sorry I am that your mother has passed away.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, it's only been two weeks and i'm sure your family understand how much of a tough time you're having.
Make a list of things that need to be done, make an essential list - such as the washing, and a non-essential such as hoovering etc. Because let's face it, if there's a few bits on the floor, it's really not the end of the world.
Try to have an hour or two a day where you can start to get things back to normal and then allow yourself to read in the garden or go over to your mothers afterwards if you wish.
Living in ready meals for a just a few weeks isn't going to damage health too much so try not to worry about hubby at the moment.
Is he able to cook any meals himself for the family? How about the kids, are they old enough to help out? Perhaps chop up some veg etc.
Anyway, I'm sorry I can't really offer much advice, but remember, it won't always feel so raw and you won't always be hurting so badly. Just take each day as it comes, you will start to have good days again and then slowly you'll have more good than bad days. Just please don't be so hard on yourself and feel like you're not coping. Everybody grieves differently, we're only human and we have emotions.
Hope you start to feel better soon, big hugs.0
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