overthinking?

happymother

Thank you, you are all so right. I thought I had been overthinking and had my own issues but needed to see other responses.

In answer to a couple of other questions, he was 30 when they got together, (she was 45) they never married, neither of us has married before although he did ask her to. Im not holding that against him as I have previously been engaged too.

I love the person (sorry, cant remember who it was) that pointed out there are different kind of love, I KNOW he loves me so I need to relax and enjoy.

Ps, I know he was besotted with her because he told me but that was at the start.

kettlefish

Having been completely adored and worshipped whilst in one of those all-consuming, knife-edge relationships with my first love, I can tell you it brings a lot of problems. When you're up on a pedestal there's a long way to fall! That kind of relationship just isn't sustainable and as you say is very destructive. It would be easy for him to look back with rose tinted glasses and remember the excitement he had with her - but to be honest it sounds like he is bloomin' chuffed with what he's got with you, and you are overworrying (which is normal, when someone means a lot to you - just don't let it take over!)

Echoing what others have said, I do think you should chill and enjoy the relationship for what it is and what it may become in the future.

Hard_up,_not_happy

happymother wrote: »

I do know that he loves me, he tells me often enough and is very affectionate, he has told me on numerous occasions that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
On the whole, we are happy and have fun together and we are so alike. On paper we are an ideal match

Instead of focusing on the fact that your OH idolised and was besotted with his previous partner, look at the important point. She is now his ex because she cheated on him.

Their relationship was not strong or wonderful enough to withstand that level of betrayal, very few are. Even before that you mentioned that their relationship could be rocky.

He has moved on and is now with you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and tells you so regularly. You dont tend to say that to someone who you see as second best. Maybe he doesn't express all his feelings and everything he is thinking. When you have been hurt emotionally in relationships you become a bit more guarded and cautious that way.

I think you are lucky and should make the most of being with someone who treats you well. If this nagging doubt is worrying you then sit and talk it through with the only person who can really put your mind at rest.

Mum-2-Be

In the words of Bob Marley (changed "she" to "he")

"You may not be his first, his last, or his only. He loved before he may love again. But if he loves you now, what else matters? He's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if he can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but he will give you a part of his that he knows you can break - his heart. So don't hurt him, don't change him, don't analyze and don't expect more than he can give. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

LillythePink

I know where you are coming from though - my OH has said that I think too much.

I know that I am second best to a girl he had two encounters with 20 and more years ago - she cheated on him both times, but he can't give her up (for long) - she popped up on FB four months before we got married (which almost didn't happen because of her) and then afterwards - texts/calls to her starting less than a month after we got married - this was in 2009.

I hate her with a passion - she is like a bad smell that won't go away - he knows how I feel and what I think - I call her "it" and am not nice about her at all - as far as I am aware, he hasn't been in contact with her for almost a year after he realised that he had to make a choice - be thrown out by me or stay with his life here - he chose me, but I still have doubts and wonder if (when) he will contact her again.

I know that she was his first love and I know that you always have a soft spot for people like that, but it still hurts like hell.

He has been married before - but she isn't a "threat" but this other woman is (or could be)

I know that part of this is my insecurities, but I can't help how I feel and what I know.


You can't help how you feel OP, just don't let it eat you up, you are only a year in to your relationship, so it's still pretty young, just don't bring her up otherwise you may put ideas into his head!