overthinking?

Nottoobadyet

How much of this is coming from him and how much are you projecting?

I ask because when I feel insecure, I am sure that an ex must have been a much bigger love than me. Why? Oh well she (any ex will do) was with him while he was in the army / in high school / when his gran died, any excuse will do! Of course I have no idea if this is whats going through your head, but I can certainly convince myself of it, no matter how ridiculous it may be.

abby1234519

happymother wrote: »

Ok, bit of background.
The bloke and I have been together almost a year now, we have talked in depth about our future and eventually want to marry.
I just can't get my head round the fact that his ex was the love of his life. In his words, he idolised her and was besotted with her.
She cheated on him, and him her and it was overall quite a destructive relationship, they were together 5 years but it was very on off.
I know he is never going to love me the way he loved her although I do know that he loves me, he tells me often enough and is very affectionate, he has told me on numerous occasions that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
On the whole, we are happy and have fun together and we are so alike. On paper we are an ideal match but I feel that I am second best, that he is settling and I should be spending my life with someone who is besotted with me.
Am I just overthinking? Should I just chill and enjoy the relationship? I'm interested to know what others would do. I'm 35 and he is 36 if that makes a difference. X

He was probably besotted with the idea of her, she may have seemed AMAZING. But remember, this wasn't real.

If he loves you, and when you are together you can tell you love each other dearly then thats the better type of love! I know my current boyfriend is still sort of hung up on his ex from a year ago, she broke his heart and hes a bit bitter...he was very depressed and drank a lot afterward from what I know.. But I ALSO know that I make him happy. He tells me all the time and I've never been with someonew who notices things like that. I can't get angry with him, for instance when he is annoying me I sort of grimace and grin at the same time, he calls it my chin stretching face. No one else has noticed my weird faces! So even though I know he is slightly hung up on the demon who shall not be named, I also know he loves me in a different way. I'm not a perfect human being, I like to stay in bed till 12pm and that irritates him, he wants to be out of bed early, in fact it REALLY irritates him. But I make him laugh!

So really, shouldn't you be working out what makes you and him special?

abby1234519

happymother wrote: »

He last had contact with her 7 months ago and that was only to get a mutual friends number from her.
I'm in no rush to get married so will just try to relax and enjoy. He doesn't mention her all the time, she just usually comes up when we row. That's my fault though!

And don't bring her up!!! The poor man is trying to let go of her, he does NOT need reminding of her existance, how can you two be happy if you bring her into the relationship.

belfastgirl23

How old was he when he met her? And how 'experienced'? Your first full love affair can feel all-consuming like this.

ailuro2

Well if she was the love of his life he'd be with her now, but he's not, is he?

Were they married? How long did it take them to get married if they were ( just asking cos past behaviour is an indicator etc.)

Those of us who posted on the love of our lives thread have probably felt strongly about other people before we met the love of our life. I know I did, but some were never meant to be and others were crushes.

It's only really time that will let you know whether he's Mr Right or Mr Right now....

Though if you're 35 and want to have kids you obviously can't hang around forever to make your mind up. I get the feeling it's not him that's having doubts about the relationship, it's you..?

FBaby

I don't understand from what you wrote why you think SHE was the love of his life so difficult to comment on how you should take it. My man was married before and I know he was madly in love with her. She took a lot from him and he gave her everything (but I'm sure she really loved him too at least for a while) but in the end, she cheated on him and left.

I know he loved her deeply and when he does occasionally talk about her (as in we start a conversation talking about the past), it does make me feel a bit insecure, but I think that is normal for anyone. He does nothing to make me think that SHE was the love of his life rather than me though. He tells me often that he is amazed that the 10 years they spent together is as if they never happen, tells me regularly that I am the love of his life and never talk about her unless I mention something. One very significant event is when he woke up one morning clearly disturbed by a dream. He said he dreamt that he was still married to her, but wanted to leave her for me, that she was crying and begging him to stay with him, that he felt awful and couldnt bear to hurt her, but he had to do it because he wanted to go with me. I think I saw more significance to it than he did, it was a big message to me.

I myself was madly in love with a man for years, on and off relationship, but all through it, I was considered him the love of my life. Time has gone by and my feelings have changed, I now consider him as one man who made a very significant impact on my life, who has giving me very special memories, and who I remember with a lot of warmth, but my heart is now totally devoted to my new man because he is the one I love and adore at this moment of time.

I think you do need to relax and forget the ex. She is part of his past, always will be and that's ok. He tells you you are the best thing that has ever happened to him and wants to marry and have babies... what more do you expect from him to show that he is besotted?

Kimberley82

I had a relationship like that, at the time it feels like love but its not, it was more like obsesion and we both messed with each other so badly.

rachbc

I was besotted with my first husband - its not a great foundation for a healthy relationship and it imploded spectactulary - I am now remarried to a wonderful man who is my equal, whom I love very much and who makes me feel great. Hubby no 2 is not second best...is he the love of my life? well he's one of them...I can't pretend I don't have a past or rewrite it to fit the fairytale I planned for myself (and lets not even get on to ex who was between the 2 - possibly my only regret but I knew that was wrong from the start so did pretty well to make it last 6 years...)

podperson

You say you know he doesn't love you the same way he loved her - this is probably right and sounds like a good thing! They were breaking up constantly, they both cheated on each other, it sounds like an extremely unhealthy relationship and not anything that could continue long-term. I think sometimes there can be a tendency to justify these kind of relationships by saying that they are so volatile because the couple have such strong emotions for each other - but most of the time it's just that they aren't very compatible.
On the other hand the two of you are happy together, he tells you he loves you, he wants to marry you and have a future with you - which kind of love would you rather have? At the end of the day he has chosen to be with you not her, so try to relax and just enjoy your relationship x

dearbarbie

hey OP - sounds like you have some confidence issues here - maybe work on them yourself instead of blaming your OH's previous rellies? My OH is divorced and although I'm curious about his ex-wife, I have more respect for him to know that he would never settle for second best x