overthinking?

happymother

Ok, bit of background.
The bloke and I have been together almost a year now, we have talked in depth about our future and eventually want to marry.
I just can't get my head round the fact that his ex was the love of his life. In his words, he idolised her and was besotted with her.
She cheated on him, and him her and it was overall quite a destructive relationship, they were together 5 years but it was very on off.
I know he is never going to love me the way he loved her although I do know that he loves me, he tells me often enough and is very affectionate, he has told me on numerous occasions that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
On the whole, we are happy and have fun together and we are so alike. On paper we are an ideal match but I feel that I am second best, that he is settling and I should be spending my life with someone who is besotted with me.
Am I just overthinking? Should I just chill and enjoy the relationship? I'm interested to know what others would do. I'm 35 and he is 36 if that makes a difference. X

balletshoes

thing is, your OH's idea of being besotted clearly wasn't all lovely was it, considering they cheated on each other - the loves of their lives!!

If his ex was the love of his life and he's happy to tell you this, what does he say you are in your relationship together now?

DVardysShadow

happymother wrote: »

On paper we are an ideal match but I feel that I am second best, that he is settling and I should be spending my life with someone who is besotted with me.

You cannot reasonably expect to have someone totally besotted with you. If nothing else, it ain't healthy. But you can expect not to be second best - that ain't healthy either.

If you have been together a year and he has not adapted to the relationship to the extent that he really feels you are the one for him, it is not going to work. How long ago did he split with his ex? Because I think he could still be on the rebound.

happymother

See, I did wonder if I was the rebound, they split for good 2 years ago and there were 2 short flings before me.
He does say that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, he wants us to marry and have a baby. I just can't get my head around the ex. I don't know. Maybe I just do overthink. X

McKneff

Youre right, youre overthinking, but just take your time and see how things go.

He cant have been that besotted if he cheated on her.

She cant have thought much of him if she cheated on him.

Just enjoy what you have, and you do have something. enjoy.

ciderwithrosie_2

But there's all different sorts of 'love'. I've been in 3 long term relationships and they've all been different. The all consuming sort of relationship is not sustainable, especially if there's an imbalance of affection as he found out. I married my husband because it was an easy going relationship, I could see it lasting long term - I admit we're having problems now but we have been married nearly 22 years and had 3 kids, so things were right somewhere.

We all have a past we can't change but it makes us the people we are today - he's told you he wants to spend his life with YOU, believe him and enjoy it.

regards CWR

pigpen

Well if he treated 'the love of his life' in such a dispicable manner I'd be running a million miles away!!!!!! Maybe he means they had a rampant sex llife and he mistook lust for love because you don't do stuff like that to the person you love.

Is he still in contact with the ex? When did he last have any kind of contact with her?

I think you need to look at the relationship you have with him and look at how you two feel.. the past is in the past leave it there and lt it get old and dusty.. no doubt you had people in your past you had feelings for too.. but they are not important.. make the most of what you have, cherish it and look to the future and stop dwelling on the what ifs!

Decluttering

Aside from anything your OH is feeling, I personally don't think it's a good idea to settle down with someone when you're having these doubts. Getting married won't make these insecurities go away, but maybe over time you'll be more certain of what you mean to him.

I think maybe you should discuss this with him, it doesn't make much sense to me as to why he would bring his ex up so much. Maybe he thinks he's being open with you and doesn't realise how insecure it's making you feel.

If marriage is an "eventually" as opposed to a very soon though, I think you should take some time to enjoy what you have and see how it goes.

happymother

He last had contact with her 7 months ago and that was only to get a mutual friends number from her.
I'm in no rush to get married so will just try to relax and enjoy. He doesn't mention her all the time, she just usually comes up when we row. That's my fault though!

photogifts

I ve not read the in's and out's what you have posted im just in and zzzzz but what i can quickly say is i was in love with someone i wasn't even dating long story there lol,and when it was over it was over for me i thought i could never date i couldn't forget her
but when you love someone you love them theres no room for anyone else and if he can say things like wants to spend his life with you thats big i think he means it as a guy i feel that about my partner been seeing for a year and my past love is what it is the past i wont forget no butit was just a learning curve for me im in great relationship and love her with all my heart and see my future with her but years ago i never thought it could happen but hey it did

Gavin83

How do you know he was besotted with her, did he say so?