DFD Coming soon....but at what cost?

The_Pink_Wafer

Well, this is the reason he wants me to move out so that he can get his head together and see how he feels. He said it's not that he's stopped loving me, but he isn't happy and wants to take a few steps back and see about taking it slow. We did move in far too quickly.

He does have a savings account, however, I know exactly what he has in it and I do know that he can't really give me the money from that. He's been in tears about this (honestly, he is not a nasty guy) but he should NEVER have said that he would do this that and the other and then go back on it.

He'll let me stay there if I can't find anything in a month, but I need to find something.

I'll have to give the deposit back, if/when I moved on from that flat, but not until then.

You've all been really helpful by the way..I love this place.

spamalot

Well, this is the reason he wants me to move out so that he can get his head together and see how he feels. He said it's not that he's stopped loving me, but he isn't happy and wants to take a few steps back and see about taking it slow. We did move in far too quickly.

I don't want to upset you by saying this but is it possible that there is someone else? Its just it all sounds a bit too woolly. If he were that concerned about a trial separation to see how things work he a. wouldn't be trying to get you out that quick and b. would be helping you to find somewhere so that you are safe and secure, which is the natural thing to do when you love someone.

He does have a savings account, however, I know exactly what he has in it and I do know that he can't really give me the money from that. He's been in tears about this (honestly, he is not a nasty guy) but he should NEVER have said that he would do this that and the other and then go back on it.

Sounds to me like he was making promises he never intended to keep. Is it possible he thought that once he'd made that promise you would move out straight away and then he wouldn't have to pay up because he's got what he wanted. If this is the case then its backfired on him and he's now turning on the water works.

He'll let me stay there if I can't find anything in a month, but I need to find something.

Don't think of it as a case of 'him letting you stay there', its your joint home for the time being until you are sure of your position. Don't be put into a submissive situation. Speak to the CAB and find out for sure whats what.

I'll have to give the deposit back, if/when I moved on from that flat, but not until then.

I would be careful of taking a loan from them, what if they demand it sooner?

I don't mean to sound harsh. You sound like a lovely person but I think that there is some plotting going on behind that scenes between him and his parents for the sole objective of getting you out at minimum cost. Be careful and don't let them emtionally blackmail or manipulate you into disregarding your rights.

Imelda

I second what Spamalot has said, my ex had someone else and she moved in a month later (once he had got the whole place redecorated to wipe out every trace of me). I walked away with nothing, keen to just get away (I am not talking figures anywhere near what you are but I was definitely out of pocket because of it) the emotion of it all clouded my judgment.

I think you should take some time off work, are you sleeping and eating properly? Do you have close friends around you? I took a week off just to gather myself together, I was useless at work anyway. Could you go and stay with your parents/ friends for a couple of days? A bit of space might help.

The_Pink_Wafer

Well, he's prepared to be a guarantor on a flat. I know his parents won't ask for it back sooner. It's weird, they're looking at the flat next door to them because they want to make sure I'll be ok.

I thought there was someone else, I have beaten myself up over this something shocking, but I am satisfied that there isn't, at least, not at the moment.

It's a very weird situation, but you need to be here. He's a good guy, he's been in tears over this and he is trying to help. But he's also making promises he can't keep. This is what is riling me up more than anything. To him, it's very black and white - I earn this, therefore I can afford that, but it isn't. I keep explaining that to go from paying £200 plus half bills to £350-400 plus all bills is a HUGE increase, but he keeps doing up cash flow charts which say I'm about £50 up every month, but I know I'm only about £50 up every month at the moment, so how can I pay twice as much?

Edit: I have no friends and family here. The one person I thought I could speak to just goes "s**t happens" which is not really what I want right now. I'm just so drained and tearful all the time.

Verbatim

If it was rent he's your landlord and would have to get a court order to evict you. If you were paying towards the mortgage then you may well have other rights as has been pointed out on here.

Sounds to me like he and his family are fully aware of these rights and so have offered you a sweetener to go quietly. But he has already reneged on his word and unless you have the hard cash up front you don't know if you'll actually get anything from his parents.

It's hard to spilt up and when we love someone it's natural to hope that we'll get back with them but it doesn't often work out that way. Right now you need to think about yourself and if it was agreed and you expected the money you paid to buy you a share in the house then it's reasonable for your ex to buy you out. This in effect was what he agreed by giving you £2k and his mum a deposit. However perhaps one way of looking att it is to think how long you've been there, what percentage of the outgoings you've paid and how much the value of the house has increased in that time. Just as a way of introducing a bargaining position.

But this will be hard for you to do so perhaps the CAB would help you write a letter setting out your right to stay in the home and what you think would be a reasonable exit agreement.

If all that would give you the horrors cut your losses and regard the payments as rent, get the deposit in cash and get an agreement in writing on a new flat before telling the ex how despicable he is to go back on a promise in this type of situation. Then walk and see it as a good learning experience and another time/bf get things drawn up formally. Being in love does not mean we can't also be businesslike!

ZTD

Just as a general question - you said

Come September, my ex OH took the mortgage into HIS name and his parents came off it. I was unable to get onto it, but have made the same payments as him.

How were you unable to get onto it?

Storm

Pink Wafer - I know it's hard when our thoughts are clouded by emotions, but please don't let him take you for a ride. You've been contributing to the mortgage, and he's already backed out of one verbal agreement with you so you've got to tread carefully.

Get advice from CAB (without telling him) and see where you stand legally. It sounds like some interesting (poss dodgy) dealings on the mortgage anyway - if their names where on it, but he was paying it etc & I'm worried that they didn't put your name on it earlier in the year deliberately thinking you wouldn't have any claim.

Your ex's reaction to you going to the CAB makes me wonder if he's already been himself & been told that you have a claim on the property.

I know I sound really suspicious, and I don't know any of the people involved personally, but remember that even those we love can be right ******** at times

Also think you should ask for a raise at work - if you're doing the job well then they should at least raise you halfway to what they would pay a more 'experienced' person, so I reckon about £15K

Good luck

Storm x

spamalot

Pink,

How are you doing? did you manage to get to speak to the CAB?

Worried about you, hope you are ok

Verbatim

Yes, how are you doing Pink?

Take care,

xxx