Our wedding is getting smaller :-(

tod123

then a small meal at a restaurant for the choice few. I don't have a problem with this but now he says that I shouldn't be telling any venue we choose to eat at that it's our wedding meal and that I would look absolutely ridiculous sat in a restaurant in my wedding dress but to buy a dress for the service only would be a waste of money so now I have to say goodbye to my dress.

What a load of cobblers , you will find that restaurants near to registry offices are quite used to doing meals for just married couples, as its very common (especially with 2nd marriages) to do it the way you are .

Rather than looking ridiculous , you generally find the other people eating at the restaurant rather like to see a bride come in and generally make a bit of a fuss (ie make nice comments).

Its also generally fine to pop in early with a wedding cake so they can set it up for when you arrive.

Your fella sounds like a right grump imo, is he shy? maybe he does not like being the subject of attention and is projecting his unease onto you

LEJC

Ive just read your second post and have every understanding of the bit about you not doing it if your dad were not there...theres both your incentives to talk...
You clearly adore Mr...that comes through in your words...and I bet he'd be lost without you...
It need not be a lavish wedding but perhaps hes frightened that the things you have mentioned wanting are the "expensive" things in his eyes...but talking things through and sharing the responsibility of planning should help him realise that its a day that is important to you both and with careful planning should be more than achievable.

screamer

Hiya Tod, last thing I expected was to find you in here.

Yeah, he can be a bit of a grump. And we are both quite shy until we've had a few drinks :-)You have also given me a fantastic idea too so thanks for that.

Have got my diary out. I'm writing notes on all this lol.

You're all amazing for your input, thank you so much x x x

PolishBigSpender

screamer wrote: »

We don't have many friends because our lives revolve around each other.

That's risky and dangerous situation to be in. Also, not very healthy for the realtionship itself, in my opinion.

screamer wrote: »

now he says that I shouldn't be telling any venue we choose to eat at that it's our wedding meal and that I would look absolutely ridiculous sat in a restaurant in my wedding dress but to buy a dress for the service only would be a waste of money so now I have to say goodbye to my dress. Because of the registry office only being a couple of miles away I can't have the Rolls Royce I've dreamed of since I was a little girl because he says that's a waste of money (my dad used to work for them so Rolls Royces are close to my heart) and well, if I'm getting married in normal clothes then there's no point having my sister as a bridesmaid which is a must also because A, she's my only sibling and B, she's never been a bridesmaid before.

So he doesn't take your opinion into account at all? Isn't it supposed to be your wedding as well?

screamer wrote: »

I really am getting to the stage where I'm thinking why bother at all.

To be honest, reading your post I'm wondering why you bother with this person at all

screamer wrote: »

We're not short of money but he's the money earner so I feel I have no right to argue. From what I can see though our wedding day isn't even going to be a wedding day.

Get a job and show him that you're an independent human being with your own money and your own opinions. You'll be able to socialise a bit more as well, find more friends, go out more...

screamer wrote: »

I've crossed off schoolfriends from the invite list because he doesn't want to feed people he doesn't know but these are people I've been friends with for over 20 years. Should I be putting my foot down??? I really am getting disheartened by the whole thing. It all boils down to him cutting off his friends for reasons I really don't understand and because of that I've got to give everything up too.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a horrible person. So he doesn't have friends so you're not supposed to have any as well? How awful!

I'd be thinking through the whole relationship if I were you.

tattycath

The probable reason for not telling venue it's a wedding party is because as soon as they hear the word wedding-their eyes light up pound signs and the cost is inflated.
I would suggest a compromise and tell him he can have a cheaper honeymoon and you get the wedding you want-our wedding was only small and it cost £2000,00 ish. We cut costs as my sisters helped pay for the photos as a wedding present, our lovely next door neighbours bought us our wedding cake (3 tier) as a present, my parents paid for the reception as a present and my DHs parents chipped in for stuff too. etc etc We haven't had a honeymoon yet.

I know you are both getting married but essentially it is your day-my DH had been married before, I hadn't but he said, 'whatever you want hun, if we can afford it we'll do it. We had a fantastic day.
Good luck hun-I hope you get what you want
I know i'll never go out in it again but my wedding dress means everything to me.

screamer

PolishBigSpender, you only know what is printed here and of course you have your own opinions but without going into the ins and outs, OH does more for me in every way than you can imagine. He's my rock and I really don't think I'd be here right now if it wasn't for him. Finding a job is totally out of the question. Not because I don't want one because I want one more than anything in the world at this moment in time but my health isn't good. I have several ailments and in the wrong environment this could be so severe it could kill me. No exaggeration in this case. And you say he sounds like a horrible person. Well, to me a horrible person is someone who comes in and goes out whenever they feel like it, someone who cheats without a moment's breath, never supportive in anything I do or want to do. My OH is one of the most incredible men on the planet which is why I want to keep hold of him. The worst thing I can say about him is that he's as stubborn as a mule. I reckon I've got a good bloke if "stubborn" is the harshest word I can use to describe him. And as for finding friends, I've made it to this age with hardly any friends. There aren't many people out there that are trustworthy, loyal, supportive and aren't 2 faced or bare faced liars. I keep hold of good friends but have no fears about getting rid of the rotten ones. He has the same experience with people so we stay close to home and stay close to people we can trust. Life lessons there hun, nothing else.

Tattycath, I know that declaring a meal would be a wedding meal will bump the price up considerably. I'm all for saving money in any way possible. Not having much disposable income for myself that's very important to me :-) I do agree that to keep that quiet would be the best way but his reasoning is that I'd look stupid having a meal in a restaurant in my wedding dress. Now you lot have shown me the errors of this logic I can tell him he's wrong. Oh, how I love knowing he's wrong lol.

Keep the answers coming. He might feel a little bit picked on but the one thing you all seem to have in common, and will probably make him realise why I'm "demanding" is that the wedding is all about the bride. If I can get through to him that I won't bankrupt him I reckon he'll be ok lol.

And thanks again, I am extremely grateful for your help! x x x

ETA, We have attended 2 weddings since we got together. One of them cost £35,000 the other cost just £2,000. He hated the expensive wedding, couldn't see how it could possibly cost so much (maybe the massive ice sculpture and the brides £1000 shoes had something to do with it lol.) I do think he's worried that it would be money down the tubes but I also know he'd pay good money to see me with a s*it eating grin on my face and looking so fab that he wouldn't be looking at the dress he'd be wondering how long he has to wait before getting me out of it lol.

jinky67

I will lay it on the line then shall I?

he is being a selfish ignorant sod. It is a day you have been looking forward to, a day you have already conceded to many of his points and now he wants to take more off you?
I would be asking him if he really does actually want to get married or whether he wants a fancy waste of money holiday?

Men~ idiots!

Mojisola

screamer wrote: »

PolishBigSpender, you only know what is printed here and of course you have your own opinions but without going into the ins and outs, OH does more for me in every way than you can imagine.

Well, to me a horrible person is someone who comes in and goes out whenever they feel like it, someone who cheats without a moment's breath, never supportive in anything I do or want to do.

My OH is one of the most incredible men on the planet which is why I want to keep hold of him. The worst thing I can say about him is that he's as stubborn as a mule. I reckon I've got a good bloke if "stubborn" is the harshest word I can use to describe him.

And as for finding friends, I've made it to this age with hardly any friends. There aren't many people out there that are trustworthy, loyal, supportive and aren't 2 faced or bare faced liars. I keep hold of good friends but have no fears about getting rid of the rotten ones. He has the same experience with people so we stay close to home and stay close to people we can trust. Life lessons there hun, nothing else.

You'll had some very bad experiences with people if you think the majority of us are nasty!

Of course, we only know what you've said about your OH and, in the opening post, he sounded very controlling and very dismissive of your thoughts and feelings.

If you read through the threads about couples splitting up, many are about controlling OHs who cut the poster off from family and friends and belittled their hopes and dreams. That's how your OH sounded to me.

pinkteapot

I've mentioned on here before the wedding a friend of mine had where she didn't want a traditional venue. She had the ceremony at a venue but then went to Cafe Rouge for her meal (their favourite restaurant) and then had an area reserved in a bar afterwards. And she did the whole thing in her wedding dress!

She didn't look ridiculous at all. It wasn't a massive crazy princess dress but it was a traditional strapless white gown.

Proper venues go crazy with the prices when you say wedding but Cafe Rouge did them a party menu, I think it was about £20-25/head for three courses, and we had three choices for each course. It was fab - food was actually better than most weddings I've been to (including my own) where you get a roast dinner cooked for 80 people.

You've scaled things down numbers-wise and are going with a format your H2B would prefer. It sounds like giving up on your dress may be one thing that really upsets you but why give up on it? My friend had a wonderful day and what was lovely was we were out in town on a Saturday night so she had half of the town in question come up to congratulate her. :rotfl:

My wedding was at a wedding venue but I felt so fab on my day I could have led my wedding party down the High St and still have a big grin on my face. It's not like your friends and family will all be in jeans; they'll be dressed up as wedding guests are, your new husband will be in a smart suit... Go for it!

PolishBigSpender

Apologies if I judged your fiance unfairly. To me, telling someone that they can't have their friends at the wedding "because he won't pay for strangers to eat" doesn't sound stubborn, it sounds cruel. But of course you know him best and I only know what you've written here. So apologies again for being too harsh.