Our wedding is getting smaller :-(

Dekazer

As I don't know either of you it doesn't feel right to give advice, but perhaps some of our experience can help you. (Me 31 and unmarried, DF 35 and divorced. Wedding in Dec, small ceremony + meal then party).

When we started planning I was all about the money. I get very anxious about clearing debts and saving, while my DF is all about instant gratification and he'll borrow if necessary to get things sooner rather than later.

We got around this issue by sharing our priorities. Not just in terms of physical things, but in ideals, feelings, atmsphere etc. My priorities were: Marrying my wonderful man; standing in front of friends+family and declaring our love and asking for their support in our marriage; providing free food+booze for all our guests.

His priorities were: marrying me (thank goodness!); having a great wedding night in a nice hotel; having some live music at the evening reception; having a suit tailor made.

By comparing priorities we could see where we would have to spend out (e.g. his suit, food+booze) and where neither of us were that bothered (my dress; cars; posh venue).

Next, we set a budget. We are both saving, as we are both lucky enough to have jobs. Nonetheless, we are keeping our budget very low. Once the budget was set we made sure that we had enough to cover our priorities - anything left over is for fripperies and nice extras

I always say to people here who are disagreeing about money, there's nothing that works as well as a good frank conversation. I like your idea of using this thread to start that process with your fiance. Perhaps by teasing out the really important things to each of you, you'll be able to identify the areas that matter and those where you can save.. And, you'll have a far better idea of WHY your fiance wants to marry you and WHY his priorities matter to him. That can only help

Congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful wedding,

Lucy

PS Many restaurants won't charge extra for weddings if they're not expected to do extras (chair covers etc). Perhaps a friend could pop in beforehand to give them some table decorations etc to make it feel more special. Restaurants do it for birthday parties all the time. Go there before you book and make friends and ask nicely and you'll get a great deal.

PPS There are so many good ways to make a day feel special without spending ££. There are loads of ideas on this forum. I bet your close friends will want to help too, so enlist them as co-planners as early as you like

trinity_enigma

I just wanted to jump in again and say that having a lot of friends isn't really the be all and end all. I personally don't think I have a lot of friends. There are quite a few people I know but I wouldn't exactly call them friends.

I think to those people who are questioning this ought to go have a look at their friends list on facebook and actually ask yourself how many of those people would you say are friends, and I mean proper friends- the ones you don't mind seeing you in your pjs, without make up sobbing your heart out or the ones who would come to you as soon as you had a problem and be there for you. Most people could probably count them on their fingers.

The OP had said she has health issues and this is bound to impact on her social life but she says her partner is there for her and supports her. Some people might be right in thinking she has a controlling OH but you don't actually know that, so maybe you should cut her a little slack before judging her.

screamer

OK, I'll start with Mojisola. Yes, I've had some rotten experiences with people. After being abused for several years by my natural parents (I'm adopted, it's my adoptive parents that I call mum and dad, they earned that right a long time ago) trust is a major issue in my life. Indeed, the abuse has caused serious mental illnesses which in turn has destroyed any chance I may ever have had of a normal life so yes, you're right when I say I must have had a rough time with people. If you can't trust your parents who can you trust? Enough said on that subject!

Jinky, the only reason I won't jump down your throat is because you're on my facebook and I know you say things as you see them. Good on you, you're the kind of person I find easy to trust. Thanks for your input even if it is a little brusque :-)

PBS, thank you for your apology. I do realise that my initial post might seem like my OH is the biggest pig on the planet but unfortunately unless I list all the things I love about him you're not going to know that. It's easy to take things the wrong way on here, especially if everything I'm feeling is condensed into one post. My OH truly is an amazing guy. We really are soul mates, and until I met him I doubted there was actually such a thing :-) I won't really vilify anyone for having an opinion especially if it's based on as little information as you've all received.

Pinkteapot, thanks for your post because it's actually backed up with fact, albeit only a tiny fact but fact nonetheless it's a fact. It's helped me to say "well Darling, you might think I'll look stupid sat in a restaurant with my wedding dress on but it seems the general population think it's quite cool!" :-) See, easy solution, which is what I was looking for lol

Finally Dekazer, thank you for your most helpful post. I do actually think his biggest problem is that he's sick to death of hearing about weddings. We announced we were getting married and the neighbours on both sides of us then decided to do the same. One of those neighbours actually did the deed 4 weeks ago so maybe I'm fed up of being left in the wake when all this was my bloody idea to start with lol.

I can't really explain this bit without going into personal details but all I can say is that after a brief chat (I'm proactive, me lol) the people he doesn't really want to invite are the people I don't really have anything to do with, but chat to ocasionally, or the people that only turn to me when they want something but steer well clear of me when I need help. Now if he'd said that instead of saying he doesn't want to feed people he doesn't know then we wouldn't be having this problem. That's shortened the list quite dramatically and I don't feel bad about it. Those people can see the wedding pictures afterwards. Of course my oldest friends will never be cut off the list no matter how hard he tries, but I have also come up with a few names of people who'd like to see HIM married and he couldn't help but agree with me. I have his "first love" on my facebook and I think she'd be insulted and just a little upset if she wasn't invited.

As for the Rolls, to be totally honest I really don't think there's anything he can say or do to stop me on that. I'm not a spolied brat by any means but that is an absolute given. I don't see my parents enough as it is and blimey, in my lifetime I've put them through hell. It's not too much to ask to do just one nice thing for my parents.

While I may not agree with everything that's been said, I do still appreciate all the help. When he's finished plumbing in the dishwasher I'm going to sit him down. I'll explain why we need to have this chat, I'll show him the replies that don't say he's a complete t*at and maybe then we can try and make sense of everything.

Trust me people, I have absolutely no problem with walking away from rubbish friendships/relationships, I do however have a problem with disregarding the thoughts, feelings and opinions of someone who has dedicated every day since we met to making me happy and helping me fulfill every one of my dreams. You'd get bored or call me a liar if I listed all the things he has done for me :-)

MrsDrink

*warning this is such a rambling response!*

Screamer Firstly I don't think you need to justify why you do/don't have friends or justify your relationship to random strangers on an internet forum. At the end of the day you didn't come here asking for our views on your relationship - you wanted help to get him to understand why these things are important to you. (I don't have many friends - in fact I will only be inviting three to my wedding!)

Now - I just want to echo everyone who has said you must sit down together and properly talk things through.

About 4-5 years ago I decided I wanted to become MrsDrink (lol Drink isn't either of our surnames). But MrD didn't want to marry. (lol He didn't want to marry anyone not just me). Then just over a year ago I sat MrD down and well I can't say it was a two way discussion - cause it wasn't. I basically told him why I wanted to be his wife, and attempted to dispell his fears/worries (the ones I knew about anyway). Basically he didn't want any faff (he should have known I hate being the centre of attention, and neither of us are religious so no-frills was pretty obvious really), he didn't want anyone interfering (again he should have known I'm a very stubborn woman, I know what I want and I pretty much don't let anyone tell me I can't have it/should do it differently - lol I know best!), and he didn't want to spend a fortune (again he should have known that I wouldn't want to either! Although I'm reconsidering this as he's just had a bill for his race bike totaling more than my whole budget for the wedding!! Ha)

From that initial discussion we have agreed the sort of wedding we want - low key immediate family only registry ceremony and a party at ours afterwards. We was able to make a list of the things we wanted and things we didn't (lol we aren't having a disco!!). Then the fun began - sourcing things as cheap as possible I have really enjoyed this part!!

I would say - talk about what you want from your day. Write a list about what you will and won't compromise on. (I.e. he can have the £6k honeymoon if you can have your £350 Rolls Royce). Get a rough idea about how much these things would cost, and then come back together to see if they are within budget and if there is anything you'd like adding/removing. I really would say proper open honest talking is needed - lol and not the kind where you talk, he feels you're nagging (even though you aren't) he says 'yes dear', and you're left banging your head against a brick wall cause he hasn't said what he actually thinks/feels.

I find the best way to start these sorts of conversations (when I want to get his view on something sensitive that he is wary of actually divulging incase he upsets me) is to start with a very open ending question - and then give him loads of time to reply. (Obviously this may not work for everyone!) Make no reaction/judgement about what he says - just listen. If he gives a short one word answer ask another non-leading question. Then just wait. It can be incredibly hard to not butt him/tell him he's wrong (lol or that might just be me lol). But eventually he'll feel safe enough to actually tell you what he thinks/feels - then you can work together to deal with whatever he says. (I do tell him I need to hear his thoughts/opinions no matter how much it may make me cry!)

:S Hope some of this ramble (ooops sorry!) is useful!

Oh and Good Luck!! Let us know how you get on!

screamer

Hiya MrsDrink, thanks for the response.

OK, update. I don't hang around. I started the thread because I needed help sorting things and OH is in the right frame of mind to get this sorted so that's exactly what we've done.

I wrote a small, comprehensive list of things I won't give up and things I'm totally happy to compromise on. This was a compromise from both ends and here it is.

1. The dress. My day, my dress! Besides, I've already got my shoes and tiara, they'd look silly with a normal dress lol. I've promised I won't go overboard and I've got the lovely lindaatno9 just down the road from me so if I bought a dress off ebay there's a chance she could make it perfect if it wasn't so. I'm not going down the route of ordering from China but there are some stunning second hand dresses for reasonable prices so there's no need for me to go substandard.

2. Car. This goes without saying and to be fair, he does know how important it is. This does also mean that to get our money's worth we won't be going to the nearest registry office (which to be fair he's probably pleased about that too because it's a dive)

3. My sister as bridesmaid. Of course that's important and I do think he realises that I live for my family. The only children to be invited are my 2 nephews.

4. I don't want it to cost the earth. It's just one day, why would I want him to work harder and for longer hours if I miss him every second he isn't in this house? This is actually why I want a job, and regardless of my health I am still looking for one :-)

5. My dad to be there. This may mean doing it sooner than next summer (2012) but this is no compromise. I told him who knows what tomorrow may bring.

6. A compromise...only people we are REALLY close to are to be invited. So, forget the people I haven't seen for many years, our guest list is now 15 people, and I haven't missed any important people and he says there's no one missing.

7. Him as my groom. Self explanatory, and when he read that on the list he smiled, so maybe I am making assumptions lol

8. His input because he's paying and it's his day too. He said he's just about to put all he's prepared to put into it and that's giving me orders to organise the whole thing lol. Can't argue with that!

9. NO MORE SILLY ARGUMENTS. He smiled at that too and now says that by giving me carte blanche the arguments/bickering will stop. I'm glad he's optimistic.

10. A night in a nice hotel on the wedding night. To wake up in a nice cosy bed as MrsCheeseater with my gorgeous groom next to me would be a dream come true.

So, apparently it's all sorted. Just got to decide where to eat now because everything else I can either sort on my own or he won't be having any kind of input on it anyway (like my dress)

As for the honeymoon, I've been doing a bit of research and I know I can find him the honeymoon he's got his heart set on for far less than the £6k he was quoted. Australia is one of the only places he wants to go that he thinks will leave an imprint on his memory forever. I'm much easier to please, I've only ever been abroad twice so ANYWHERE is a big bonus as far as I'm concerned lol. We both have the same kind of expectations as far as holidays go so if I find a good deal we'll be doing it (he is in a scheme with work that can get us a commission free holiday. We didn't find that out until today.) With just a few minutes searching I've just got us 15% off any holiday we choose, whether it be a holiday we've found online or one in a brochure.

You lot have inadvertently planned our wedding for us in just one day. I cannot thank you all enough! xx xx xx xx Just got to find a way to pay for it now lol

MrsDrink

Okay - now I'm not happy - lol - you are not allowed to go to Australia cause well that just is snot fair!

Lol all kidding aside - you read so much happier than in your first post - I'm glad!

jinky67

screamer wrote: »

Jinky, the only reason I won't jump down your throat is because you're on my facebook and I know you say things as you see them. Good on you, you're the kind of person I find easy to trust. Thanks for your input even if it is a little brusque :-)

I was gonna add a at the end of my post, but I thought OH would be suspicious of that:rotfl:

I do think though, that you really aren't asking for much out of your big day:)

SO Mr Screamer:hello:...is she worth it? I think she is:D

laura2481

Hi screamer,

I don't know exactly where you are but I hope maybe soem of these links in this thread might help? https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2433879

Especially this place: http://www.leedsbridalvillage.co.uk/ dresses are £95 to £295 at the moment

I don't think you are out of order to want a dress and a rolls royce. After all you have made lots of compromises.. these are really quite small ones for him to make. And I'm sure it won't be any problem at all to book a room or a table some where for after the ceremony. I would be really happy to see a wedding couple in restaurant after their wedding

Good luck

I hope you manage to arrange a day which has all the elments you need to make the day special, for you as well as your OH

emz118

Screamer that is WONDERFUL!!!

I have been in bed with flu since Monday (which sucks) and have been miserable, this is one of the only things that has made me smile all week, so thank you for sharing your happiness at getting it all sorted. )

fawny

Great news that you have had a chat & sorted it out