Our wedding is getting smaller :-(

screamer

Firstly, hi folks and thanks for looking in. I'm just wanting a bit of advice, maybe a bit of a rant regarding our wedding.

A bit of history. Both of our families are small, our parents and 1 sibling each, maybe an auntie thrown in for good measure. We don't have many friends because our lives revolve around each other. The few friends we have will be there for our wedding which is fine, but now I've managed to get OH to actually contribute an opinion or 2 he thinks it's acceptable to have a wedding at the registry office as late as possible in the day then a small meal at a restaurant for the choice few. I don't have a problem with this but now he says that I shouldn't be telling any venue we choose to eat at that it's our wedding meal and that I would look absolutely ridiculous sat in a restaurant in my wedding dress but to buy a dress for the service only would be a waste of money so now I have to say goodbye to my dress. Because of the registry office only being a couple of miles away I can't have the Rolls Royce I've dreamed of since I was a little girl because he says that's a waste of money (my dad used to work for them so Rolls Royces are close to my heart) and well, if I'm getting married in normal clothes then there's no point having my sister as a bridesmaid which is a must also because A, she's my only sibling and B, she's never been a bridesmaid before.

I suggested doing the small wedding my way over here then having a blessing in Australia in case his brother decides not to fly over here to what amounts a family meal but he says that's a waste of money also so that idea has gone right out of the window and basically the more we talk about it the more we argue. When I say "Well, let's not bother!" he starts sulking or says it's just me having a tantrum to get what I want and that's simply not true.

Neither of us have been married before and while I don't want a massive wedding, I do still want to be a princess for the day. I have tried to have a sit down talk with him and when that happens, he'll say alsorts of things he doesn't mean and agrees to things he wouldn't normally have agreed to just to shut me up. I really am getting to the stage where I'm thinking why bother at all.

We're not short of money but he's the money earner so I feel I have no right to argue. From what I can see though our wedding day isn't even going to be a wedding day.

I don't want to know who's right or wrong in this, I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. I've crossed off schoolfriends from the invite list because he doesn't want to feed people he doesn't know but these are people I've been friends with for over 20 years. Should I be putting my foot down??? I really am getting disheartened by the whole thing. It all boils down to him cutting off his friends for reasons I really don't understand and because of that I've got to give everything up too. God help him when the Blackberry Playbook is released, because that's the only thing he seems interested in at the moment and if he isn't interested in our wedding day he won't be having one of those (he wants a new blackberry phone to go with it at a cost of £350. Apparently that isn't a waste of money but our wedding day is!)

Am I right in assuming he really doesn't want a wedding??

emz118

Oh hun... poor you.

I don't think men understand the importance of weddings to women (or at least some women!)
I think you need to speak to him and say that this is a really important day for BOTH of you, so you need a compromise.

Why not write a list, in order of priority, of what you want at your ideal wedding, and get him to do the same.

You shouldn't miss out on your big day because he has some kind of "issues."

LEJC

Oh I feel so sorry for you...the idea of a small intimate wedding and a lovely meal after sounds so lovely and the RR if its something that has significance to you then its important to factor it in...

You've explained the situation eloquently and in a heartfelt way...and I think that its now time to sit down with Mr and explain calmly the bits of the wedding that are important to you...just as you have here.


Men sometimes see things in a different way and to them as long as they are married they dont care...they dont always understand that it sometimes is the little things like wearing the dress ...carrying the flowers that us girls have thought about and dreamed about for years!

Is there a particular reason that he wants a non wedding or is it just that he sees the day as a means to an end?
I assume it doesn't mean he doesn't love you he just cant see the point in a celebration...

Marriage is a partnership and you both need to be open an honest with eachother...theres compromise to factor in too...and thats what you need to discuss and decide together.

If you can get Mr to write or tell you the things that are important to him and and likewise you tell him whats important to you...there may be issues where you will both need to compromise on but hopefully once you've openly discussed what you want from the day you can start to make those plans reality.

If you can get him to discuss and agree to your proposals you then need to move forward quicky with that aspect of planning so as to avoid the situation of him agreeing to something and then not following it through...

Do you actually have the date set?
If you dont then thats the beat place to start with the conversations..if you do then you need to tell him its time you both agreed to start the planning ...

Sorry my reply is an extended version of emz's but she is probably just a faster typist than me!

trinity_enigma

You really need to have a sit down with him and discuss how much these things mean to you. Once he understands your feelings and (hopefully) he has told you his feelings about this then you should be able to compromise about things.

By the way, are his parents divorced and yours together? Because I hear that this can make people see weddings in a different light.

Hope you sort it out xx

fawny

Poor you, sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I think you need to sit down with him & say whats important to you too. As for not inviting friends that he does not know I don't think thats fair if there are important to you. We are getting married abroad & we have some people flying out who H2B has never even met but he's happy with that.

Best of luck

Idiophreak

As a man, I was going to say he needs a swift kick up the backside, that he should want to give you your one day as a princess and that, as a man, he should just realise the wedding is your domain and do whatever you want for the day. Sadly, however, I've now been distracted by the Blackberry Playbook, so can't comment further

Emma1988

Sorry to hear this hun

I really think no matter how small your day is you should still be able to have the car and dress that you want. You need to have your dress and if you can afford the car then go for it. You really need to tell him how you feel. Good luck hun

Mazzarati2000

ETA: Wow, - look how many ppl beat me to it! Sorry if some of this sounds like repetition!

Don't think I can answer your questions ( I think that's probably something only you can do for certain), but didn't want to read and run. At least not without giving you a virtual (hug). I know how hard it can be to have to give up on dreams; my wedding won't be quite as I had always dreamt, (due to circumstances beyond human control), and I'm having a hard time getting my head around that, but I appreciate that I still have a lot to be thankful for, & am trying to focus on that, instead of what I won't have. However, it sounds as if your concerns may be more significant than mine?
You say that 'he' now finds it acceptable to have a registry office wedding..... does that mean that he didn't previously, but you did? Or that it wasn't the wedding that either of you had planned/thought of before?
As for Dress, BM & RR, does he really know how significant they are to you?
It sounds as if he's probably not thinking about things in as much detail as we girls do, & possibly opting for what he thinks is the least stress option.... they sometimes don't see the significance of the little things that can mean such a lot to us. Maybe mention to him that you're only planning on doing it once & that while you want to be sensible about it, there are certain aspects of the day that you don't want to feel that you missed, every time that you remember your special day for the (hopefully) many happy years to come. x

screamer

Wow, so many replies in such a short time. Thank you all.

Idiophreak, thanks for the chuckle. I'd do a rolleyes too but it's not here anymore :-) You men are all the same!!!!

Trinity enigma, no his parents aren't divorced, they've been married nearly 50 years. My parents are the same, coming close to 46 years married (I'm 33 next week btw, OH is nearly 37). His brother got married when he was in his teens but that was over before it began. Apparently that has no bearing on his feelings. He insists he wants to get married but it's only going to happen if it's done his way.

Emz and LEJC, thanks for that advice. The funny thing is he will listen to advice from others which is why I started this thread. I haven't started many threads since becoming a member but when I do it's usually to ask for ways to deal with the OH's often misguided opinions. Once I've had a few replies on those threads I show him and he usually comes around to my way of thinking (he's a member on here too but since I signed up he lets me do the research lol.)

I'll be fair on the lad, he does have a large debt to repay to his mum, but she's the first one to tell him not to put his life on hold to repay it. Unfortunately that's exactly what he's done and it's rubbing off on us. Another reason I want us to marry sooner rather than later is that both our fathers are in ill health, but we are both the apples of our Daddy's eyes. It would break my heart if my dad wasn't able to see me get married. In fact, I don't think I'd want to do it if my dad wasn't around to see it.

He is a good man. I might want to give him a slap every now and then but I do love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love a man other than my dad. I've a history of terrible relationships but this is one I want to keep hold of forever. I hate that we're arguing over this. But my way of thinking is if he didn't want us to get married, why on earth did he propose??

I do feel as though I'm bullying him but if I let him have everything his way, he's basically bullied me into doing things his way and I don't think that's a very good start to married life. I'd go ahead and do things my way anyway if it wasn't for the fact that it's OUR wedding day, not just mine. I'm totally torn! :-(

choc_mouse

I don't think you're unreasonable with your requests. I'm sure he wants to get married but the cost and "hassle" of the day is just putting him off.

"The wedding day is all about the bride." That's what one of the venues we looked at told us. I'm sure that was so they make more money because the bride will always have more ambitious plans than the groom. But I think it's quite true as most girls dream about their wedding day forever and want their chance to be a princess. If the day ends up being like any other day, it won't be special.

Aside from wedding plans, I assume you guys get on really well, so I hope the "stress" of wedding planning doesn't affect your relationship. We've had arguments too about wedding plans so it's not just you! But at the end of the day we still love each other and just need to reach a compromise.

Have you guys worked out a budget for your wedding day? It seems like your OH just wants to cut corners/costs wherever he can. If you can say, "We're going to spend X in total. This costs Y, that costs Z, oh look we have £500 left which we could spend on a Rolls Royce".

Good luck. I hope your wedding works out the way you want.

screamer

Mazzarati, you've hit the nail on the head.

Here's my short list of things that are totally important to me.....

My mum and his mum looking so fabulous I'd grin every time I caught sight of them.

The Rolls Royce....he's an idiot if he doesn't know how important this is lol. My dad gets his pension from Rolls Royce, my dad has often joked that he's going to spend my inheritance on a Rolls and he's seen the dozens of photos I've got of Rolls Royces that I've seen on the streets. My favourite car of all time. My dad has never even had the priveledge (sp???) of riding in one so that was going to make a couple of dreams come true. I got quotes for this last year. £350 for 4 hours with as many trips as necessary.

Bridesmaid...Again, he knows this is important. We considered going abroad and I wasn't happy about that as my sister can't afford to come and the places he was looking at we couldn't afford to pay for her.

Dress.......He wanted a made to measure suit, didn't want to get married in the suit he has in his wardrobe. No problem as far as I'm concerned, he needs to look as amazing as I will lol. His reasoning, the suit he will probably wear again, a wedding dress can only be worn once! When he suggested buying a normal smart dress I said impossible because I only ever wear black. I dare him to find anything other than black in my wardrobe lol.

My dad to be there..... obviously, it's my dad, of course I need him there. He's also the only male left in my family since my brother killed himself 2 years ago and my last remaining uncle died 18 months ago.

My gorgeous groom......imperative for a successful wedding!!

Venue isn't important, number of guests are not important, what we eat or drink is not important. Of course it would be lovely if my 2 oldest friends could come but to be fair one of them moved to Germany 2 weeks ago (hubby is a serving soldier) and with 4 kids that may be impossible. She's said she'll try but no promises. Only 1 other friend is DEFINATELY coming and she's been my very good friend since we were 9 years old. Good luck trying to cross her off the list, not going to happen.

Unfortunately, if I show OH this list, he'll just see pound signs and it's that that puts him off. I think for me to have everything I want would cost about £1000 total. We can save that in a month. I also can't get him to get off the idea of spending £6k on a honeymoon. That I find totally unacceptable. For that price we could have our kitchen and bathroom redone. For a 2 week holiday I think that's pee'ing money up the wall.

Sigh, looking at this I think he's got his priorities all wrong!!