life is getting me down

kirstiex

I don't often post my feelings here but I just need to 'share' my feelings with people that don't know me.

Firstly, for the last fews years I've been trying to cope with an extreme OCD husband who cleans/bleaches everything - his hands are so white they resemble michael jackson's. He refuses to have anyone in the house to help with DIY - I have been living in a house without front windows for nearly 2 years (they are boarded up but the house has been so cold durng the extreme temps), my washhing machine is programmed to work outside on the patio and the house needs refurbishment but he has to bleach his tools before he uses them, he'll bleach belts, shoes - everything. This alone has been a struggle to deal with but the added pressure now if that he works away during the week, only home for weekends so there's not much time for DIY. I'm tired of the hearing the jokes at work about the state of my house - even though they are true.

I'm also going through stages of almost certain redundancy and not being selected for a job I applied for in favour of someone who works very little when I give 100% + more. I have the added pressure of losing my income and having to be in a shell of a house all day. The 'stress' of it has driven me to eating crap - chocolate, crisps etc - instead of proper meals so I'm also upset that I'm putting on weight. I seem to be sleeping more and more and really do struggle to get out of bed and face the day every morning, part now I have no motivation to go to work.

I'm sorry that this seems a 'sorry story' and I guess I do just need to pull myself together but I'm tired to putting on a brave face to friends and colleagues when Inside I just want to cry (and sometimes do in private). I just feel that I'm on a ride that I can't get off.

Any advice .... apart from a shot-gun that is

balletshoes

have you told your husband how his condition is affecting you? I have no experience with OCD tendencies, has your husband sought/ gone through any treatment available? Does he not understand on some level that being in a shell of a house is very unhealthy for everyone who lives there?

You need to think about what you need, this is depressing you and you're getting into a vicious circle with it.

If your husband bleaches everything in sight anyway, in your shoes I'd be very tempted to get someone in to do the necessary DIY when your husband is away working - it needs to be done and its affecting your health.

Nottoobadyet

Life's too short.

Is there anywhere you can relocate to? Are you committed to a future with your husband, or could you look into other options?

kirstiex

I try to speak with him about it but we end of arguing - his point being that (a) we can't afford to have someone in to the do the work and (b) they'll never do it to his standards (he's a perfectionist). If I got someone in, he'd only re-do it. I had a car accident last year which resulted in time off work and I honestly thought the possibility of losing me may buck his ideas up but no. He thinks I keep nagging about the situation and have told him that I've overhead colleagues gossiping about me and the state of my house which upset me.

It's not sinking in and now the liklihood that I lose my salary means I can't relocate anywhere even if I wanted to. I can't talk to my friends about this - I'm just too embarrased and have had to make excuse after excuse as to why they can't come round to see me. we have to sit on deckchairs in the hallway to eat!

I'm just feeling as though I can't cope with any of this anymore

ajaney

Does your husband recognise his problem at all? Has he sought help for it?

balletshoes

Okay, go talk to one of your closest friends - and tell them the truth. You may be embarrassed at first, but your friend will not laugh at you, they will empathise with you and they will be a help to you. You need practical solutions, even a bed/sofa for the night.
I'm telling you now, if I even had a suspicion that a friend of mine were living in similar circumstances to yours and it wasn't their doing, I'd have offered my spare bed/sofa before now (and probably insisted they use it for at least a couple of nights, to get some perspective and a break from their immediate situation).

Sambucus_Nigra

Sorry - but he isn't a perfectionist if your house is in that state!

The issue here is his OCD and he needs help and fast!

kirstiex

he does recognise this is OCD and I have made it visit the doctors. They gave him a leaflet and told him to contact a mental health clinic for some cognitive bevahiour therapy but he says he hasn't got time and it's won't make any difference.

I don't really have any close friends to talk this through with, hence my posting here. My mum is getting on in years and I don't want to cause her stress either

ajaney

The OCD is the problem & you need to tell him how it is making you feel. Perhaps print out this thread or write him a letter, I can sense your unhappiness just from reading your first post so you need to make him aware that you are so very unhappy with the situation.

balletshoes

kirstiex wrote: »

he does recognise this is OCD and I have made it visit the doctors. They gave him a leaflet and told him to contact a mental health clinic for some cognitive bevahiour therapy but he says he hasn't got time and it's won't make any difference.

I don't really have any close friends to talk this through with, hence my posting here. My mum is getting on in years and I don't want to cause her stress either

If you were just a work colleague of mine, I'd make the same offer to you, and I wouldn't laugh at you. Are you sure there is no-one at all you can talk to at work? Any of the friends you've been making excuses with about not inviting them round to your house? To me, someone you've thought about possibly inviting to your home (if you could have) is a friend, are they not?

ailuro2

Are there any counsellors you could access via work - you do sound really down, but looking at your situation I don't blame you for feeling weary...

whenever anyone mentions depression or feeling down I repeat the best bit of advice I ever got...

Differentiate between what's coming from any hormonal imbalance that might be going on internally, and the stuff that is external.

In your case living without windows for two years is an obvious external factor, as is living with a husband who will/can not get his finger out and finish the job.
sit him down and tell him the situation is making YOU ill. If it were council accommoation people would say it was uninhabitable because it's got no windows.

You need to get him to come to some agreements whereby the windows are replaced and he can clean them as much as he likes once they are fitted, but that you will leave him if he takes those windows out again. Yes, he has a serious illness, but not getting any treatment for it - if he wants to keep you he is going to have to make a choice - but you need to be prepared that he might choose not to get treatment in which case would you really leave him?