Am I being too stingy?

LittleMoo

I'm a stay at home Mum and my Husband works full time to pay all the bills etc. I receive child benefit and £40 a month child tax credit. This is used to buy clothes etc for our Daughter, and some goes into her child trust fund. Part of this amount is given to me as personal spending money, and I have no complaints about this.

I enrolled my husband onto a guitar making course last year (for £85) as a birthday present. Since doing so, it was revealed that most people required more than one term to complete their guitar. So far he's done two terms and now wants to sign up for another. That will be £255 in course fees on top of the £150 he;s spent on materials so far.

As well as this, his other hobby is restoring a old car (which, incidentally, was not supposed to need restoring, hence him paying £1500 for it). This hobby has turned into a financial black hole with well over a grand having been ploughed in so far.

Am I being stingy for getting annoyed about him doing these things?

I've always tried to be a moneysaver and I always buy my clothes etc on ebay or from charity shops cos I hate paying a lot for them. I do spend money on my own hobby (crafting) but it pales into insignificance against his hobby costs. Friends have said I should just spend more on myself to even it up but I don't want us to be struggling each month!

Since we've been together, i've bailed him out twice by clearing his debts (once when I sold my flat and once when I took voluntary redundancy). I just feel like he's the one getting all the benefit while I watch the pennies.:(

BitterAndTwisted

I don't necessarily think that you're being stingy but you do appear to have a very different attitude to money than your OH. It's not a competition to ensure you get to grab what you think is your share but under the circumstances I think a quiet and rational discussion needs to take place between the pair of you before you start to feel completely resentful. Sometimes it's best to not take any notice of "friends" who give you unhelpful advice and perhaps not discuss private issues with people like that at all.

Edit: "His debts"? What were these debts and why did you have nothing to do with incurring them? Has he often been in the habit of spending money that you don't have without discussing this with you?

Alias_Omega

Just because you stay at home, does not mean that you dont earn the income. The income is halved, and without the other person the house wont function.

Maybe you should express your concern that XYZ are taking up too much of the disposable income, after all prices are rising and times becoming hard and see what he says.

Im 180 degrees out on this, I dont have any hobbies except running & saving. Im the earner & the saver in the family. Mrs AO stays at home all day thinking of ways to spend the little income that i have left, on random junk that we dont really need or will really use.

We often argue about spending amounts, not in a bad way. Just to remind her that my wages are not a bottomless pit, and that the kids dont need 10+ pairs of swimming shorts..

snookey

Tell him to get rid of the car if he wants more lessons. Make it a rule that its one hobby at a time with a spend limit.

split_second

to be honest i think your opinions are different from his, nothing more. i'll be honest, a classic car that doesnt need restoring or at least some tlc that is 1500? totally unrealistic, my dad bought one for 3000 and it needs completely repainting, new intereor, engine is being rebuilt.

why not set up amounts you have each seperate to things for your bills and your daughter, that way he has his hobbies, you have yours

Any

I think he is being unreasonable.
On one side I understand that he works hard and so wants to enjoy the fruits of his labour, but so do you and you buy clothing on Ebay while he is not holding himself back.

I don't think he realises this. You are currently not equal partners in this relationship.

If you have the money, enough for both and you just don't want him to spend them that is stingy.
If you don't have the money and you must take from yourself/your daughter for him to be able to spend that is selfishness on his part.

Imp

split_second wrote: »

i'll be honest, a classic car that doesnt need restoring or at least some tlc that is 1500? totally unrealistic, my dad bought one for 3000 and it needs completely repainting, new intereor, engine is being rebuilt.

Depends entirely on the car. You could get a fully working Robin Reliant in good condition for less than £1,200.

A Mark 2 Jaguar with a 2.4 litre engine and needing a full rebuild would be around £3,000, while one with a 3.8 litre engine would cost twice as much, and over £20,000 when fully restored to the same condition as the Robon Reliant above.

RadoJo

It's a tricky one as I suppose if he doesn't complete the guitar then all the money spent on the course and materials so far is wasted unless he can manage to finish on his own. In that case I would be tempted not to argue about him finishing the guitar on the proviso that it would only be one more term of the course.

However it's clear that there needs to be some long term agreement about how much time and money he spends on his hobbies and whether a limit needs to be agreed for spending on any one project on which he embarks. Does he have any idea how much the car will cost? Could you agree that the car project has to be curtailed to afford the guitar making course? Perhaps you could suggest a hobby which would be as engaging but not as costly so that he doesn't feel as though he's being deprived of an outlet for his desire to have a hands on hobby.

tessie_bear

could u work out what money u have for hobbies and split it 50 50 then what u both do would be ok as long as it came in on budget ?

LittleMoo

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Edit: "His debts"? What were these debts and why did you have nothing to do with incurring them? Has he often been in the habit of spending money that you don't have without discussing this with you?

The first time it was his student loan and another loan he had before we met. After I cleared those, a year later I found out he'd racked up £12k of debts by taking out cash on his credit card (!!!) to fund a neighbour's dodgy car business. He said he got carried away and after the first couple of grand he felt he had to make sure he got his money back so he just kept putting money in, believing the guy who said the 'next' car he did up and sold would bring a huge profit.

As far when the car will be done up...hmm, let me see, first it was last July, then last September, then "definitely by Christmas". I've stopped asking now as I don't think it will ever be finished.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I agree that we need to talk about it and I'll suggest that, if he wants to carry on with the car, he agrees not to spend any more on the car till the guitar is finished.

We can *just* afford his hobbies, but only just, and only because I've been so frugal. I still can't believe he's spent more on the car just in the last month than we spent on presents for our Daughter's birthday!

BitterAndTwisted

Let me get this straight: YOU PAID OFF LOANS THAT HE'D INCURRED BEFORE YOU'D EVEN MET HIM? And then he got into MASSIVE debt by withdrawing cash on his credit-card? This man is a fool with money and totally irresponsible. I'd be having a word with him about how and when he's going to curtail his hobby-spending when he owes you so much money. And I would not be happy scrimping around buying second-hand clothes for myself and my child on ebay while he p!ssed cash away on his flipping hobbies!

I don't think you've done him any favours buy bailing him out, it seems to have been a signal for him to carry on doing what he wants when he wants. Please give him a reality-check while there's still time