Please help my daughter is picking on one of her friends!

warehouse

I have 2 daughters and a son, the son & friends I have never had an issue with, the girls & friends are a bl**dy nightmare. Girls will fight, b*tch, fall out, get back together, fall out, then be best friends forever......until tomorrow.

It will happen for the next 15 years, get used to it O.P.

Wonder_Womble

mummyplus3 wrote: »

Yes and she either says she just doesnt like her, or that G is horrid to her aswell. The nursery says that G gives as good as my DD dishes most of the time,

I will apologise to her mum as soon as I see her next.

She went up to bed with no story tonight and when we get to nursery tomorrow I will be making sure she goes and says sorry to G.

I think that maybe yourself and G's mum should meet up and discuss this as from what you are saying G isn't completely the innocent victim here. I think both sets of parents should be getting the same info frm nursery and following the same programme. Maybe both you and G's mum could arrange some supervised play dates with all 3 girls and observe the behaviour.

I don't think you should be labelling your daughter as a bully, and perhaps your experience with your ex may be causing you to cast your daughter as the perpetrator. For all you know G could be pulling your DD's hair in the loo when no teachers are present. I'm just playing devil's advocate here.

Buttonmoons

Can a 3/4 year old BE a bully? (ok the burst lip thing is a bit far) but most kids will fall out and have little tiffs. My DD (4) really really REALLY dislikes a girl in her nursery, so she just doesn't play with her, but she doesn't like her because she follows her around constantly and then punches/hurts her if she doesn't start playing with her, not really the best method to encourage someone to play with you.

I walk home with a group of mums and they all have 5 yo boys, and every other day they are scraping at some point (punching etc) but by morning they are best friends, or by the end of the walk :rotfl: Girls tend to hurt each other more emotionally I think.

willing2learn_3

mummyplus3 wrote: »

She is most of the time I think thats why I am so upset, that and I don't want her to turn into her father! :eek:

G annoys her. Why does G annoy her?

I think you've got to get to the root of this but as she is ittle she won't have the sophistication to talk it through....

so each time there is a fall out with G....just get her to tell you what happened, who said what, etc....and try to allow her to do this in a non-judgemental space. After you've had a few examples i've no doubt you will stumble on what it is exactly about G that annoys her and then you will know what to do to help....either teach your daughter how to handle that specific thing that annoys her in a better way....or suggest a solution to the nursery staff, or G's mum - depending on what you notice it is.

however i think if you are worrying that your daughter could 'turn into her father' (i'm assuming here that maybe you are no longer in a relationship with her father and that his behaviour is undesirable in some way) - you are not assessing the whole thing with an open mind. of course this is natural, but it won't help....it means you are already biased.

I remember when i was ittle and at infant school. For a time there was this huge issue that I 'didn't like Kelly' - a 'friend' at school.....My mother was constantly on at me about why i didn't like the girl, why i fell out with the girl....and the plain fact was she annoyed me. I didn't want to be her friend. I was friends fine with everyone else, i was never a school bully (and i don't expect your daughter will be either)....but we choose our friends and in this case it was convenient for me to be Kelly's friend because my mum was friend with her mum....and that was the problem. I didn't enjoy playing with her.

A year or so later my mum discussed this with a teacher and the teacher explained that from her observations Kelly and I were very very different, different abilities, personalities, etc....and that my mum needed to see that we were better off being allowed to be distant from each other. The pressure was off me having to be her friend and it was such a relief.

The other thing that's crossed my mind is that two's a company, three's a crowd.

When i think of it, if you don't want to spend time with someone as an adult then you use various skills to remove yourself from that person.....your daughter is probably doing the same but doesn't have the skills of an adult...Maybe there are a few strategies she could learn for getting some time away from this girl or more time with the other one as a twosome.....strategies that are more socially appropriate. It's a learning opportunity for you and her.

willing2learn_3

Wonder_Womble wrote: »

I don't think you should be labelling your daughter as a bully, and perhaps your experience with your ex may be causing you to cast your daughter as the perpetrator.

Is there a possiblity that your vigilance over your daughter, looking for signs that she might turn into her father are perceived by her as a type of rejection (even if it's on some unconcious level and even though it's not your intention at all)?

If so how might you remedy this?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I noticed when DD was small, that the CBeebies programmes seemed to provide a 'How to be a bully at the age of 3' lesson. For example, in Tweenies (how I hated that theme tune!), the blonde one with the blue face - Bella? - would tell people she wasn't their friend, that the others should ignore one of the group and things like that. Next thing I knew, the same things were being enacted in Nursery by loads of children.

The imported shows - Trollz and the like all seem to be about bullying and excluding part of the group as well.

If they watch something like that, they can get the wrong message - not that this is wrong and something else should be done, but that this is how to make people like you.

DD herself has only just been freed from a friend like that after 6 years of primary where she wasn't allowed other friends, but would then be rejected. The trouble was that she did like her when she was nice to her, so didn't get fed up until the last year at primary, by which time she wasn't able to form strong friendships with the rest of her class. She has a gaggle of mates at senior school though, unlike the old friend, who has found that the old techniques don't work so well now.

It is good that you want to put a stop to this now. Be prepared for the other child to refuse to come to yours, though, as she may already be at the point where she doesn't want to be near anyone who makes her feel bad (and Mum may refuse as well). But don't take offence at it. I think that keeping communication open with nursery is the best way forward, then making it clear that, even if she is irritated by the other child, excluding her or being mean is unacceptable.


I wish all mums were like you and prepared to consider the possibility that their child could be the one in the wrong.

bluenoseam

The reason us guys get over it quicker is because we'll naturally have ways to work it out in a manner which deals with it quickly & without issue - it's called the football pitch, a properly placed foot there solves the issue quickly

As for OP - try to tell DD that if she continues this way then she'll find that soon, if she doesn't stop being nasty that no one will want to be her friend, it's harsh, but ultimately it should be enough to bring her round.

WeBeBroke

I would say at this age it's not too much to worry about. I don't think it's as a result of watching a tv program - children can be instinctively cruel as they haven't learnt to be civilised yet. They say what they think and can be incredibly manipulative to get their own way.
Clever little sods!
However, if it's pointed out to them enough that it's not acceptable behaviour, they'll get the message. And girls don't have the monopoly on being nasty...My youngest boy (4 yr old) is going through the same "3's a crowd" nonsense. There's basically 3 boys that play together but usually exclude one of them - it's fairly random as to who's excluded so I don't worry about it. My little fellow is no angel I'm sure and the pre-school teachers are very good at letting me know what's going on and whether I should worry about.
It's all part of them growing up and learning how to interact with others. They have to learn how to handle rejection and how to behave towards others.
Basically you are doing enough, I would probably apologise to the other girl's parents about the cut lip but that's all. Don't interfere too much with your daughter's social behaviour unless you feel it's damaging to another child. From the sounds of it G is well able for herself so she'll be fine!
Best of luck, you're a great mum and she is living with you and will follow your good example, not your ex's. They copy us more than you would think.

WBB

olibrofiz

When my DD was around that age she couldn't express herself enough to give me an understanding of things she was upset about. We got round this by me asking her to draw a picture of what it was that was making her unhappy. This actually worked really well.

Maybe ask your DD to draw a picture to show what happens when G is 'being horrible to her'?

sunshinetours

Wow some look into these things far too deeply IMO!

Its all part of growing up and kids finding out how to interact with each other. Social graces aren't in-built they have to be learnt over a number of years and sadly not all parents instill these (possibly because they aren't too good at them either)

The best thing your daughter has is a mum who cares enough to realise that their own little "angel" can be at fault aswell as others and you are doing something about it. Reinforcemnet of certain manners and etiquettes over and over again and rewarding of good behaviour are all good things in my opinion as a parent and touch wood our two are generally pretty good because it is clear what is expected as basic good behaviour