How to motivate OH

DizzleUK

Right, let's continue....

We've had a few little words today, mostly me reiterating that he shouldn't rely on any offer of work from the family member as I have serious concerns about it's viability (another long story, which I won't go into any more detail about than I already have on here). This "fallback work" is a barrier that is preventing him from finding something more realistic (in either town) when the inevitable redundancy happens down the line.

At this point, I feel I must reiterate it wouldn't be the end of the world him having a NMW job if that is what he really wants. I would just prefer it to be with an established company/shop/whatever where there is a bit more job security, scope for a little bit of a promotion down the line if he discovers he likes the work and maybe even a pension.

If he can find a decent job, that he wants to do and would be happy in long term, here, then I could probably live with that. However, as I have said, due to the current economic climate in the town, I find this unlikely (given his lack of qualifications too). In the town where I work, there are a lot more options for him, and therefore more chance of him finding a job. I could quite easily see him working in a factory (work which I have done in the past, in this town when I was younger). The money isn't bad (better than MW) and he could move up to a team leader (which he is capable of) and stick there.

The issue just boils down to the location. He says he doesn't like the people in the town (generally speaking, not specific people) and insists he wouldn't be happy there. Unfortunately, he's not the most sociable of people and sometimes borders on xenophobia. He doesn't trust people and puts up barriers and deliberately sets out not to make new friends. The only friends he does have are the 50+ yo women he works with. He's not interested in coming out with me when I go on work do's (most of my friends I work with, as is fairly common), and any time where he has in the past, he just sits in the corner. I try to include him as much as I can, but we're back to the horse, water, drink thing again.

Obviously there is some underlying issue with that, and I've tried to get to the bottom of it over the years. I don't think it fair to go into personal history here though.

I know most of what I have said about him is somewhat negative. I promise that there are many good things about him, which are worth fighting for (hence this thread trying to sort out a plan to avert a future crisis). I just wanted to say that.

At the end of the day, I think I'll have to wait for his current job to end and then see where we go from there. Hopefully, the reality of not having a job and not finding a new one might give him the kick up the backside that I can't give him at the moment.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel with this relationship yet as there are plenty of good things going for it. I know I can't change him and should try my best to accept him for who and how he is. I just need to persuade him to move with the times just a little bit so I don't end up leaving him behind.

Thanks again for all your advice.

property.advert

When I was young I did a Norman Tebbit and got on my bike (or rather hitch-hiked to London) to get a job. Nothing wrong in that but when I returned to my home town, with money in my pockets, a nice car, new clothes and looking forward to a prosperous future, my previous friends and acquaintances just wanted to sponge off me, they lacking in ambition and being downright lazy to be honest, especially when told that they too could follow me back and pick up the same type of work but refusing for all manner of pathetic excuses.

Some people are as useless as chocolate fireguards and they should be dispensed with as such. They contribute nothing and have no ambition. The country doesn't need people like that and neither does the OP. Either he shapes up or she pensions him off.

Kay_Peel

I think you've just got to accept that your life is mapped out for you.

Despite your support and love your partner is afraid of change, too timid to adjust his thinking and too nervous to go outside his comfort zone. He's lucky because you care for him and cushion him from pressure.

He's not the one I worry about - it's you. You sound so kind, practical and caring. I feel truly sorry that you are forced to live in this narrow, closed-off world that your partner inhabits and that your future will mean more of the same. Frankly, I would be considering whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. Let's face it - he's emotionally and socially inept, not very bright and you're the opposite.

WeBeBroke

By the way, I know he's holding out for redundancy but will it be really worth it? I know he's been there for 5 years but if the redundancy package is just the bare legal minimum it'll only be 5 weeks pay - about £1200 for him based on his wage.
It won't get him very far if it takes him months to get a new job.

I agree with the poster who said that while a lack of ambition is nothing to be worried about - apathy is. It sounds like he's quite comfortable with you doing all the worrying and commuting and he's not meeting you halfway in any of this.
You've got the secure job, you've got the long commute whereas his job is coming to an end with no prospects in the area.

I could be very wrong as I don't know the ins and outs but it seems you're in a bit of a parent-child relationship.
He needs to grow up and realise he is 31 with a job that will soon end. You can retrain at any age - doesn't matter. He's still got at least 34 years of work ahead of him and maybe more if they put the retirement age up to 70 - very likely. That's plenty of time to retrain and look for something new. He cannot keep leaning on you - you need to be equals in the relationship and while he doesn't have to have a high-flying job, he cannot expect to be looked after indefinitely.

Good luck with this one - you cannot change his ways but you can change the way you react to him - don't let him drag you down as you will become bitter. It could be the making of you both as a couple - he may wake up and take some responsibility for his life if he gets a bit scared that you will carry on without him.

belfastgirl23

Would there be any mileage in the two of you sitting down and trying to think of places you might like to live and be able to find work outside of his home town and your home town? This kind of debate can become a power struggle in a relationship and if you remove the family attachments it can be easier to talk about. At least then you'd know for sure whether it's that he's wedded to staying in the current town forever or if it's just that he doesn't like the town you work in.

obviously at this point in time it might not be feasible to move on, but this could be a strategy for the future type talk. Maybe you want to ask him where he thinks you will both be in 10 or 20 years time?

Tish_P

Have a talk about your whole future, not just the immediate concern of what happens if he loses this job. Lack of ambition isn't a bad thing - many relationships work very well with one driven person and one less so - but lack of flexibility can be. Whatever happens with the job and your relationship, he will end up unhappy in the long term if he doesn't become more open to new experiences and he must on some level be aware of that and want help to change.

Hope things work out well.