How to motivate OH

DizzleUK

Background: We have been together for 7 years, no dependants, and rent a house from OH's sister's boyfriend. We both work full time. I earn £16k and OH earns ~£12.5k. Almost all our debts are paid off (we're talking hundreds left, not thousands). We have a joint account and both pay an equal amount in each month to cover bills and the rest is ours.

Situation: OH works in retail for a Sole Trader and is paid, through the books, weekly in cash. Due to the recession, the business is not thriving and the job doesn't feel all that secure. A new UK chain is opening in town this week which will hit business very hard, and it wouldn't surprise me if the shop closes at end of May (when the next quarter's rates etc are due).

OH is basically holding out for statutory redundancy (5 years) and not looking for any sort of replacement work until he no longer has a job, relying on the fact that he can work for a family member for £30 a day cash in hand. I have stated that I would not be comfortable with this as a permanent resolution.

Now, OH has little in the way of qualifications (gcses all below C grade) and not much in the way of ambition. Oh is quite happy plodding along doing a minimum wage job from now until retirement. This frustrates me.

I work in another town in a secure job over 20 miles from home. This costs around £150 in petrol per month. The job also happens to be in the town where my side of the family live.

I have talked to OH about moving closer to my work if the shop closes. OH doesn't want to and "would not be happy". We currently live in OH's home town.

There are currently over 2500 people unemployed here, so OH's prospects aren't that hot. My home town is bigger and there would be more chance of finding a job there.

Question: I have no idea how best to deal with this situation. Every time I broach the subject it descends into an argument. OH "doesn't like the town" where I work and is happy with how things are. OH doesn't drive either, only I do. Where we live is not exactly an up and coming area and I don't want to continue living here if OH doesn't have a proper job.

Not that I'm psychic, but I can see a future where OH is still earning minimum wage, where mine is increasing as I move up with my career (which could lead to resentment from either side- I've seen it happen with other couples), with either me living in a town I don't like or OH living in a town OH doesn't like, and the whole thing slowly driving a wedge between us.

So, for the sake of the longevity of our relationship, how do I encourage OH to find a bit of ambition ("31 is too old to bother retraining for something new") and see that the town where I work has better prospects and is still only 30 minutes drive from OH's family?

There is the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I don't want to accept that though. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm open to arguments for both sides. OH isn't happy moving, I'm not particularly happy staying. All the while OH has a job, fine. But if work dries up, then what?

Sorry for the length!

Money_maker

It sounds as though you have more ambition than him but it seems to be affecting you more than him. Why not wait until the (inevitable) redundancy occurs then go from there? Perhaps you could remain where you are but commute to the other town together - you would spend more time together and you say that your OH would have more chance of finding work.

Would you be thinking of a family anywhere along the line? If so, this may impact on where you live as to space required and accessibility of family to help you out if you wish to continue in your career.

If the worst happens, perhaps your OH has a hobby or pastime that he enjoys which he could train for professionally or find some work within that type of spectrum. TBH, he sounds like the sort of guy who will be happy in a job he enjoys rather than an upwardly mobile one and I for one, think he sounds great. Feet firmly on the ground and dependable. Blokes like that don't grow on trees you know, they do say that opposites attract.

DizzleUK

I think I may have to wait until the redundancy happens, as much as I don't want it to. We've worked hard to clear debts and my income + JSA would barely cover everything and would run the risk of getting into debt again. Something I want to avoid if I can.

I work different hours every day (between 8am and 8pm) so it would be difficult to find him work that would allow me to drive him to and fro every day.

I agree, he is a great person in many ways, which is why I am trying hard now to avoid any small little problems growing into bigger issues which could threaten our relationship. I want to get ahead, he's happy treading water. I don't want to leave him standing behind, nor do I want to drag him kicking and screaming. Personally I feel I can only achieve the happy medium by getting him out of this crappy town we live in, but he's so closed off to the idea. He hates the town where I work, for unqualified reasons (the same as a kid says he hates peas just because they are green).

The town where we live has no cinema, no decent shops, higher than average unemployment, and no prospects of improvement.

The town where I work has a cinema, bowling alley, shopping centre, retail outlet park, a hospital, factories, 2 garden centres, etc etc. If we lived there, we could save almost £2k a year in petrol, which would compensate for a minimum wage job somewhat.

If he's out of work for any length of time, we won't be able to afford to move home.

I have no idea what to do, or even if I am right in trying to convince him to move.

onetomany

sorry op but im not sure your partner would be intillted to jsa if you are earning £16 u really need to check it out

ailuro2

Have you wondered why you've been together for 7 years with no kids, no mortgage, no wedding bands, or any other signs of long term commitment?

If you're disagreeing on something as major as this perhaps you need to have a rethink about what you both really want from life and sit down and have a good chat about it.

Assuming you're 30ish too, what happens if your biological clock starts ticking away, and he is not in a situation where he could provide for a child while you were on maternity leave?

It's not easy to have these discussions, but you need to have them now before anyone does anything they'll regret.

Once you decide to stay together come up with a plan to put money away for another house deposit so that you keep your options open. I'd encourage him to apply for the new shop too, as the conditions might be better, and the prospects for advancement are most definitely better - no point waiting till the small shop closes, they will have hired all their staff by then.

Good Luck to you both - sounds like you're heading for a crossroads in your lives, you are predicting it but OH will deal with it when he gets there.

luxor4t

DizzleUK wrote: »

.....
So, for the sake of the longevity of our relationship, how do I encourage OH to find a bit of ambition ("31 is too old to bother retraining for something new") and see that the town where I work has better prospects and is still only 30 minutes drive from OH's family? ....

Oh dear, this part rang alarm bells with me - 31 is far too young to give up. (I retrained at 40 and never regretted it btw)

DizzleUK

onetomany wrote: »

sorry op but im not sure your partner would be intillted to jsa if you are earning £16 u really need to check it out

He'd get contribution based for 6 months. He would not be entitled to income based JSA after that.

ailuro2 wrote: »

Have you wondered why you've been together for 7 years with no kids, no mortgage, no wedding bands, or any other signs of long term commitment?

We're both male, if that helps.

ailuro2 wrote: »

I'd encourage him to apply for the new shop too, as the conditions might be better, and the prospects for advancement are most definitely better - no point waiting till the small shop closes, they will have hired all their staff by then.

New shop opens this Thursday and has a full compliment of staff. I've been trying to encourage him to look for another job since before Christmas when it first started to look like the shop was coming to the end of it's run. So far, he's not even looked.

ailuro2 wrote: »

Good Luck to you both - sounds like you're heading for a crossroads in your lives, you are predicting it but OH will deal with it when he gets there.

Exactly. I'm just trying to figure out the best way of dealing with it before it turns into a major incident.

Fang_3

I'd be saying goodbye. Ambition is not something that can be created or restrained without serious resentment, and I couldn't stay with someone who was so lacking in it. If I were you I'd be saving like mad to enable you to have a cushion for when you leave him and then go hell for leather to make the most of your ambition and drive.

Kate78

Q: How to motivate OH?

A: You can't. You can encourage, but if he is happy as he is and sees no reason to change then you have to decide whether you can put up with the situation or if you want more from life.

Gigglepig

It is ok to be different. I would try to find a way where you can live out your ambitions but your OH is not forced to become more ambitious. Believe me, I understand how annoying lack of ambition is, but some times less ambitious people have other qualities (kindness, patience, less aggressive) that complement those of a more driven and ambitious person.

Can you and your OH go and explore the area near to where you work? Why limit yourselves to these two particular towns - maybe you can find another alternative in reasonable commuting distance to your work, which still gives you a fresh start.

Keep in mind your OH may have concerns about moving if he is attached to his hometown and moving may entail having to build a new social network. If your OH has not moved towns several times before, it is probably hardest the first time around. Can you start a spare time activity in the "new" town now, so that your OH has some more ties to it which may make him more open to the idea of moving?

podperson

This does strike a chord with me as we moved from our home town about 18 months ago for all the reasons you are wanting to move - lack of jobs, poor area, lack of amenities but even though we know all those things and it was the 'sensible' thing to do then was still a degree of indecision because even with those problems it was still home for us. I know a lot of people who do still live there and they seem happy with the average 9-5 min wage job - that's not really enough for me at the moment but I accept that people are different and if they are happy then it's not really for me to judge them.

With your OH what does he seem to object to most about moving - leaving where he considers home, does he think he won't see friends/family as much etc. (I know you say it's 30 mins drive - but then he doesn't drive so he would either be reliant on you to take him or would have to get public transport, which I know from experience can take double or even triple the time!)

I don't think it's unreasonable to wait for the redundancy if he is due a settlement and he at least seems to have a short term plan of working for a family member. I guess the question is whether he sees this as short term while he finds something else or if he's happy to just do that for as long as it's there. I think the issue with living somewhere like it sounds like you're living (and I don't want this to come across as critical, as mentioned above I speak from experience) is that sometimes it lowers your confidence to see people all around you who accept that the minimum is normal and you can't do any better and so you end up believing it too. I don't know if it's worth you trying to talk to him about whether there are things he would like to do 'in an ideal world' and he just doesn't have the confidence to go for them or if he is just one of those people who isn't really very ambitious. If he is the latter there's not necessarily anything wrong with that but guess you would have to think about whether it's something you can accept or not.