How to motivate OH

euronorris

DizzleUK wrote: »

He hates the town where I work, for unqualified reasons (the same as a kid says he hates peas just because they are green).

What reasons has he given you? He can't just hate something for the sake of hating it, there must be a reason(s).

Also, I noted that you have to drive to your home town, so presumably, he'd have to do the same if you did move. Only, he can't drive. I wonder if this is a worry for him?

31 is not too old to retrain. Maybe he feels he isn't clever enough, or he'll fail, so he doesn't want to try. How is his self-esteem? If it's low, and causing him to hold back, maybe this is something that needs to be addressed.

But, as others have said, you can't motivate someone to do something they don't want to. Well, you can, but you'd destroy the relationship in the process.

You may have to accept that, if you are not happy there, and he is not willing to move, you will have to split up. I know you don't want to, and you can see all the benefits etc, but he can't right now. Maybe he will in time, maybe he won't, but you still have to do whats best for you.

donquine

The safe option would be for both of you to move to the town where you work. But what about a completely different city? Would your OH be willing to live somewhere else? Riskier, granted, but one of you could find work elsewhere and you could have a long distance relationship until that job was secure enough for the other one to up sticks and follow.

Some people are very much tied to one particular place and can be impossible to move. More often that not they won't leave because as well as being attached to the city, they're tied to their mothers and that's where they live. It is possible your OH thinks every other town is awful solely because it's not his one.

Your OH doesn't want to move to where you work. Ok, that's one thing. But if he won't compromise and consider any other options, then you need to have a serious think about how much longer the relationship can survive.

Any

Fang wrote: »

I'd be saying goodbye. Ambition is not something that can be created or restrained without serious resentment, and I couldn't stay with someone who was so lacking in it. If I were you I'd be saving like mad to enable you to have a cushion for when you leave him and then go hell for leather to make the most of your ambition and drive.

+1. I couldn't live with OH who is like this. It is a part of a personality which would (dis)attract me on a partner in the first place.

Plus it seems that he is only considering himself. It seems he likes it the way it is and that is it. You work around him. And if you don't like it, either put up with it or otherwise. At least that is what I hear from your posts.

Dinah93

I'd talk to him and suggest that without two reasonable wages you can't afford to commute, and if he hasn't found a new full time job within a month you need to move closer to your work before you can't afford to. However I'm another one here for the concept that you can't instill ambition in someone, you either have it or you don't, God knows I tried with my ex, by the end I just lost all respect for him that all he wanted to do was watch telly and (as I saw it) just get through each day until the end of his time on earth. I'm much more of a 'work hard, play hard' type who wants to try and do everything, luckily I'm now married to an ambitious man who puts his family first and isn't afraid of hard work.

Pee

I agree with the post at looking for somewhere else neutral. I can understand why he might not want to move to one town, but if that applies to anywhere, that's a problem.

Is the rent cheap being as it is sort of in laws who own it?

I think the fact is that you want different things from life and either you compromise or you have to split or one of you does what the other one wants and is probably unhappy.

Would Relate help at all to talk this through?

DizzleUK

Thank you all for your considered replies. I have had a quick read through, but don't have a lot of time right this minute. I will be back online later to address some of the points raised.

downshifted

I have been much more ambitious and always earned loads more than my other half. I was able to have my career (very long hours and lots of travel) because he was happy to stay at home and do all the caring etc - he is kind and caring and thoroughly reliable when it came to childcare, housework, garden etc. It worked for us because we love each other and each bring complementary things to the relationship - I value him and he is good at things I'm not, and vice versa. However, he has moved all around the country to follow my career related job moves.

Ask yourself what your other half is bringing to the relationship that you value. Ask yourself if you resent being the one to do all the commuting and working long hours. Ask him why it makes sense for you to continue in that way.

But when you decide do remember there is much more to life than a career - many people, myself included, reach 50 and think well that they should have spent more time in the sun by the seaside instead of working constantly

Good luck with your discussions and decision

KiKi

Hi OP

Only had one quick thought to add: I think there's a difference between lack of ambition and 'can't be bothered' / apathy. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone not being ambitious - if they're in a NMW job and happy, so what?

However, if your OH is apathetic, uninterested in doing new things, can't be bothered because it's all too much hassle to retrain, not interested in doing anything else in life *then* I'd be concerned. It sounds like he wants things his way, for an easy life that doesn't require effort.

It's *that* which would frustrate me more than someone who wants to work in a NMW job.

Hope you manage to find a right solution for the two of you.
KiKi

sueeve

He is who he is. He sounds to me as though he is a bit fearful of anything new or different, and that means it takes along time to get anywhere. My husband says he doesn't like anything that he hasn't tried, especially places to go on holiday, and I just have to sow seeds and let them grow for a few years. So unless he is the way he is because of particular circumstances at the moment I would question how suited you are to one aother. Can you live with it or not?

Quenastoise

You can't force someone to change, it's a waste of effort, unless your OH wants the same things you do - or an acceptable compromise - he won't move.

You may need to rethink what you both want out of life and the things you value in each other. You only mention the areas where you both differ -are they still things that matter to you both and some positive things you value in your relationship ?