Advice please 4 year old behaving 'inappropriately' at school

rio

I'd welcome some advice as my son's school have called me in to talk about his inappropriate behaviour.


He started in reception this year, and only knew one other child in his class, James who he went to Nursery with. Consequently my son and James did everything together. After half term the teacher put the class into different groups according to ability and the boys were split up. I have been told that my son keeps leaving his table and goes over to James' table and tries to talk to him and hug him, which the school considers inappropriate, and that he becomes very upset when he is made to go back to his own group. The school seeks to foster a house system so this also means that they have to go on different playtimes twice a week (i.e. all the red groups go one time, blues another etc). One of the mums I know has told me that my son stands on his own crying on the days when he does not have the same playtime as James. He has also started having nightmares in which James has disappearred and he can't find him.


The school have told me that my son's attempts to 'bother' James are almost on the level of bullying and that they cannot put up with his behaviour, but to my mind he sounds very upset and confused that he has lost his playmate, and can't understand why he can't sit with him like he used to, or play with him at playtime. They have told me that I must try and make my son understand that his behaviour is not acceptable - but I don't really know what to do.

ooobedoo

Your son's school sound really mean, I don't think it's unacceptable at all. I think maybe their outlook is unacceptable. It just sounds like he is having a little bit of trouble adjusting and seeks comfort in his friend and being separated is having an adverse effect on him. I appreciate that he will have to find other friends but they sound very victorian in their approach. He will find other playmates in his own time, I would make an appointment to have a good chat with the teacher concerned about this.

hobo28

What does James and/or his parents think? Could it be that they've complained or something?

Assuming not, how about arranging play dates after school so they still get time to play together?

Biddyrolo

I agree with Oobedoo, your son is 4 for goodness sake, what does the school expect? A bit of compassion for a small boy who has been seperated from his friend would go a long way.

rainbowrisin

Oh bless him - poor little man. It must be so hard for him to try and understand why he can't sit with his friend when that's what he's used to doing. I can see the school's point, though, although I would have hoped they would have been more tactful - part of being at school is doing what you're told, and if that means sitting with a particular group for lessons then that's really what your son should be doing, even though I can see why that's hard for him to grasp.
Would it be possible for him to see James outside of school once or twice a week - maybe if you could explain very gently about the need to do what the teacher says, and that part of being at school is that we can't always do what we like, but that he will definitely be seeing James on Tuesday or whenever, then that might begin to reassure him that his friend hasn't gone away.
I wonder if it might also be worth having a word with the teacher to ensure that your son is appropriately praised for sitting with his group, and also to check what else can be done to try and make him feel more confident and secure in class - it sounds a little to me as if James is the only thing your son knows and feels safe within a very alien environment. There may be other issues happening in the classroom or at playtime (bullying, or problems with some of the school work or whatever) that could be addressed to help your son feel happier.
It may also be that James has adjusted more easily to finding new friends and is happy not being as close to your son as he used to be, in which case he (James) may genuinely find your son's attention embarrassing and unwelcome.
The only other thing I can think of is to give your son lots of (((((hugs))))) and tell him what a special and good little boy he is, and how proud you are of him - I don't think you can ever boost a child's self esteem too much.
Good luck, and big ((((hugs)))) to your son.

elaine373

rio wrote:

I'd welcome some advice as my son's school have called me in to talk about his inappropriate behaviour.


He started in reception this year, and only knew one other child in his class, James who he went to Nursery with. Consequently my son and James did everything together. After half term the teacher put the class into different groups according to ability and the boys were split up. I have been told that my son keeps leaving his table and goes over to James' table and tries to talk to him and hug him, which the school considers inappropriate, and that he becomes very upset when he is made to go back to his own group. The school seeks to foster a house system so this also means that they have to go on different playtimes twice a week (i.e. all the red groups go one time, blues another etc). One of the mums I know has told me that my son stands on his own crying on the days when he does not have the same playtime as James. He has also started having nightmares in which James has disappearred and he can't find him.


The school have told me that my son's attempts to 'bother' James are almost on the level of bullying and that they cannot put up with his behaviour, but to my mind he sounds very upset and confused that he has lost his playmate, and can't understand why he can't sit with him like he used to, or play with him at playtime. They have told me that I must try and make my son understand that his behaviour is not acceptable - but I don't really know what to do.

It doesnt seem to me that the school is accomodating for your sons individual needs. Not all children mature at the same rate and it may be that your son needs a bit more time to get used to the different routines etc. Tell them that you will asisst them in helping your son to understand the`MASSIVE` change in his life but you also expect them to remember that he is 4 years old.Just out of itnerest, how much teaching experience does his teacher have? Its unbelieveable how wide the education levels can be within our schools. This, in my humble opinion, is a relatively minor matter and i would wonder why they are making such a big deal at such an early stage. All the best with this, let us know how things go.

fsdss

your son is not displaying signs of inappropriate behaviour.
he is very much at the 5yr old stage where his emotional / social behaviour is appropriate for age. when children start at school, its a whole new experience for them, they have to get into the routine such as they do at home. displaying of affection in such as cuddles / kisses is NORMAL. (this reduces at between 6-7 years)
although the school have to introduce a new routine into his life (which may include splitting them up) i would question the emotional needs of both the boys. looking at your sons needs i would suggest that you say nothing more to him about his physical displays of affection, he will naturally grow out of it. i would more question the fact that the school needs to adapt to his emotional needs before his learning can progress.

inkie

I remember sitting in a parents evening and being told about my (then ) 5 yr old child, and her best friend who hugged each other and was meant to feel that they thought that it was inappropriate - they were and still are best buddies. I would sugguest that the school needs to be dealing with this sensitivley and suporting your son rather than causing an issue about it.

Nicki

If the school is describing this as "almost bullying" that suggests to me that James is upset by what your son is doing. Whilst they haven't gone about things in the correct way at all, they do have a responsibility to protect James as well. Try and put yourself in the shoes of James' parents - if your son was coming home from school upset every day because another child was pestering him, would you not want the school to act?

Your son is still very little and he clearly doesn't understand that what he is doing is infringing on another child's boundaries. I would suggest:

1. making a little story book for him, using photos of himself and James, explaining when they can play together and when they must sit apart;

2. trying to help him to make friends with other children in the class as well, especially those on his table, by arranging play dates etc out of school;

3. Lots of hugs and reassurance that he is loved and lovable and that he will soon make friends. Part of this behaviour may be good old fashioned separation anxiety from you, so he needs to know that you will be there for him after school (or after you come home from work if after school isn't possible) and that you are thinking about him during the school day.

4. if the school is at all approachable, ask them to work with you on this problem. Rewards for staying at his table would be a good start, as would distracting him at danger points, by asking him to do some little job in the class when they see he is getting a bit restless, which will raise his self-esteem and break the habit. School could also help him to make a friendship with someone on his own table by giving them joint tasks to do together.

Good luck - I know it's rotton to see your child unhappy, but I do think school is right to say he needs to stop behaving like this, they just need to find a kinder and more sensitive way of broaching the subject.

rio

I have talked to James' mum about it and she says that James is just as upset that they have been separated, but James is nearly a year older and I think understands the situation a lot more. She certainly hasn't made a complaint and the boys still get together for playdates every couple of weeks. My son has also been to play with other children, but I think he is the type of child that doesn't make friends that easily and likes to stick with the people he knows. His teacher is in her early 50's and I think hasn't clicked with my son at all. He had a supply teacher for a few days a couple of weeks back and he was certainly much happier with her than with his regular teacher.

sara2323

I don't think your son's showing any signs of inapropriate behaviour, It's probably the school that has the problem!

I think it may be helpful to involve your Health Visitor I'm sure they can still help/advice up until the child is 5.