Advice please 4 year old behaving 'inappropriately' at school

morlandbanks

Not that I don't have plenty of issues with my own sons school, but they do have a good buddy system. If a child is a bit of a loner at playtimes, they have a buddy who looks out for them and gets them involved with other children, so they're not alone.

Another school near us has a friendship chair. If you're alone, you sit on the chair. All the children are taught that if someone is on the friendship chair, they should invite them to play.

If your son is upset and lonely at playtime, maybe this kind of thing would help.

funky-footprints

I dont think he is showing signs of inappropriate behaviour either it is all part of the settling in routine, but i know in my son and daughters school similar incidents with other children have been classed as your sons has. i dont realy understand why ? ? i know a few parents have been confused by thier approach.

Could you not encourage some of the other little boys in class to come over to play after school one day. you say that James is a year older, so it was inevitable they were going to be seperated one day. James and your son can still have special times out of school, but i think your son needs to be encouraged to mix with others and maybe you are going to have to do that ? ?

My daughter has a best friend, and on times they both get realy frustrated with each other that they have other friends. They used to have huge rows in class with each other if one was sat by someone else etc etc. one day it would be my daughter in the strop, then next day it was her friend. They too are only 4.

Me and the mum have made it our 'mission' that they can be best friends no problem at all, as we get on famously too, but we think it unhealthy if they do everything together and so we have days where others come home to play after nursery, and we have also said to the nursery teacher to split them up sometimes for activities. I just think it helps on the days that one of them isnt in nursery. It is making life a lot easier !!!

I hope your little boy settles soon. hugs.

mrcow

Just to go against the grain a little here.....I think that this is something that you need to address. My son "latched" onto one boy at nursery last year too to the exclusion of other friends and it can lead to very possessive (and even agressive) behaviour.

It is normal and I'm sure that your little boy will grow out of it, but it's not healthy for him to be getting so possessive and upset.

What about inviting someone who he does like in his own group round to play and trying to encourage new friendships. Some active encouragement from his teachers wouldn't go amiss either! They could easily help to resolve this by including your son in small group activites to encourage interaction and bonding.

I used to give my son ideas of who else he could play with and ideas of games that he could play with them eg. why don't you ask Ryan today if he wants to sit with you etc. It did work to some extent and I found by the end of the year he no longer felt so isolated when his playmate wasn't around.

He's since started a different school to the other boy and I'm relieved to say the least. His current friendships seem a lot less claustrophobic.

It's fairly early in the school year, but if you son continues to not join in with others in his class, they are all going to have made friends to his exclusion if this isn't resolved and my worry would be that you end up with a serious problem.

bubble96

the school dont sound very helpful really. i cant believe they have made this out to be some big thing rather than suggesting that they might want to help you. the school has a responsibility to ensure that all their children are in an environment that allows them to learn, and, whilst this means that they have to ensure james is not being disturbed every two minuites it also means they have to make sure your son is happy and relaxed in the environment so that he too can learn. and as for them saying that you must try to make your son understand well thats just wrong. the most important thing here is that you and the staff involved work together as its no good all the effort coming from just one side, it will confuse it further. niki made really good suggestions, and i really hope that the school support you with this issue. just keep communication open. and just to reassure you, i have known many children that have had the same/similar problems with starting school. i work in a nursery and have done for years, we have good relationships with our feeder school and i have been to visit the children in the past that have left. every child i have seen that has had difficulty settling has eventually managed it, it just takes time. i would like to know what the school have done in terms of settling children in at the start of term, and encouraging them to get to know each other, as i feel it sounds like they didnt do much otherwise they would have made an effort to encourage new friendships to be built so that when groups changed your son didnt feel so alone. and on a final note, in a reception class the layout should very much reflect that of a nursery, in reception they are following the foundation stage and so there should be a role play area and some floor space, the focus should be on learning through play. they certainly shouldnt be sat at tables for very long periods of time 'working' where an interuption would be innapropriate, if they are doing this then how can your son be constantly interupting james. sorry for the rant and rave but i love working with children, and if one of my children at nursery is not happy then im not happy and i do everything i can to make it better. if people arent prepared to do that then they shouldnt be doing the job. let us know how it goes.

Ellie2758

Just out of interest, is his class teacher very young and does he/she have any children of their own?

rio

No she is about 50 I would guess, no idea if she has any children. We have had other school children from his class round to play and he gets on well with them, but he always refers to James as his best friend. The fact that he has started having nightmares about the situation really worries me. The school say that academically he is florishing (in fact he is in a higher set than James who is 10 months older than him), but he is on a table with five girls and only one other boy, who is already 5 and is very large for his age and may well be a bit intimidating, perhaps this is why he is seeking reassurance from James, who they admit hugs and cuddles him back.

jellyhead

awww, your poor little man! there's such a massive difference in maturity in children so young and my first summer baby certainly struggled and still does to some extent but the school have been very helpful. they separated him from his best friend when they were 7, not 4 and one teacher encouraged her own child to make friends with mine so he had somebody to look out for him. he still adores his 'best' friend but they won't be going to the same high school so i'm trying to encourage a friendship with another boy who will be going to the same school as my son. it probably sounds really overprotective of me but it's only mild encouragement.

but you're doing that already, getting other kids over to play. i can't help but think the school could do more to help because they are still so very young. no advice really but a big hug for your little boy! he will probably be fine and make lots of friends in time, but some 4 year olds are 'younger' than others.

Crazychik

morlandbanks wrote:

Another school near us has a friendship chair. If you're alone, you sit on the chair. All the children are taught that if someone is on the friendship chair, they should invite them to play.

If your son is upset and lonely at playtime, maybe this kind of thing would help.

We have this in our school, its great.
My daughter lost her friend in reception (the friend moved schools) I was concerned for DD as they was so close, but the teacher encouraged her to mix with others.
Cant believe the teacher is making such a big geal out of this - can understand if he was spitting,swaring,pulling hair etc.
Have you spoken to the head for their advise?

misty

It makes me shudder the attitude of some schools and teachers when I read the things they say and do on here. I can certainly understand they may want to encourage your son have other friends and not moving from his table when they are working but a bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss.

At my son's school a little boy had a similar attachment to a friend from nursery but the teacher accepted this whilst encouraging him to become friends with other children. The child was exceptionally shy and quiet and really felt uncomfortable with some of the other children he knew less. His mum said that the teacher had told her that he could do certain activities with his friend and others with other children. She specifically put him with the quieter children so he wasn't intimidated. His mum said ALL the children were respectful of the fact he was quiet. Consequently he got to know the other children at his own pace and as he became more confident played with a wider circle whilst still being best friends with the other boy.

What annoys me is that some people expect children to play with any other child just because they are children. If an adults best friend was missing form somewhere, we wouldn't expect them to just get on with someone else merely becuase they are the same age.

The techer is the one who is acting inappropriatley here. She wants ot reward your son when he does sit working with others rather than complaining to you when he doesn't.

Rachie_B

i agree with misty

that is so sad
he is 4 yrs old !!!!!! !!!

my son is 4 and just started fulltime education in sept too,but he went into reception with many of his nursery friends and those who went into the other class he sees at lunch and playtimes

i dont see how they can call it "bullying" !!!

ok it may be disruptive etc but he is only 4 and a bit more compassion is needed me thinks !