Ex doesn't see why he needs to pay maintenance

Toocleverbyhalf_2

Sorry in advance, this is a long post but I really need another opinion.
My husband and me split in 2008 after only 2 years marraige. We have a 4 year old son. He had two lots of £10,000 from his dad in one year,2009, from which he bought me a car (£7000) and gave me £1000 to start a buisness. Apart from the odd £100 I've had very little by way of maitenance since and, as he's on JSA, I have very little chance of a formal agreement being reached. ( I have approached child maintenance options and this is what they told me). Whenever I ask him to come to an agreement he says that's what I get benefits for!
I receive incapacity benefit and as my buisness is very slow ( I am a mobile beautician) I still am in the category of permitted work so can carry on claiming for now. I also receive CB & CTC.
It all came to a head today I borrowed £10 from him for petrol to go to a client to earn £40. I can't afford to insure my car so I had to give it to my daughter to give me a lift. When I said I didn't see why I had to pay the money back because I bought him 3 packets of fags last weekend when he was broke, he went mental and told me to get my son and f****k off out of his life. My daughter is picking my son up now as he knows I can't drive my car & he refuses to drop him off or pick him up ever. When he has access I always drop him off & pick him up becauses he refuses to come into my street. He has a fairly new car that's taxed,insured & MOT'd ( his dad paid) but my son has been off nursery for a week because I can't get him there without a car. He refuses to help because he says it was my choice to send him to a nursery so far away.
This sounds very one sided because this is just my viewpoint, but am I wrong to expect any maintenance when he's on JSA? I seem to be in a no win situation, but I just want to do the best I can for my son. Other than my 3 grown up kids I have no family or support.

pigpen

check the csa website but he is unikely to have to pay anything from jsa. We have 8 children and KH pays nothing towards the children and on jsa I was told they wouldn't take anything from him. But mine paid nothing when he was (and now is again) working..

Toocleverbyhalf_2

Thanks for your reply. I agree he doesn't have to pay as that's what I was told. I think the best thing to do is cut off contact because I'm clearly banging my head against a brick wall. The dilemma for me is that he & my son adore each other so I don't want to stop accesss. I wish I knew what to do that's best for my son!

Zoetoes

Toocleverbyhalf wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I agree he doesn't have to pay as that's what I was told. I think the best thing to do is cut off contact because I'm clearly banging my head against a brick wall. The dilemma for me is that he & my son adore each other so I don't want to stop accesss. I wish I knew what to do that's best for my son!

Why would you stop access??

alwayspuzzled

Contact and child maintainance are completely seperate issues. Its your sons right to see his dad regardless of what you think of the man.

Graham29

zoeleigh wrote: »

Why would you stop access??

Out of spite? Especially when the OP says father and son adore each other. Cutting off contact with his father isn't going to be the best option for your child. The money side of things shouldn't be allowed to affect their realationship and should be seen as a separate issue in my opinion.

Zoetoes

I suspect this isn't a genuine post, surely a mother wouldn't inflict such mental torture on her own child just to be such a spiteful !!!!!.

Caroline_a

Agree with the others, this is a totally separate issue. However, if he wants to see his son he needs to collect him since you have no car. That seems to me to be how it should be - and why on earth are you paying him to smoke???? If he cannot afford to pay anything for his son then he cannot afford to smoke, end of. You are no longer with this man, so not responsible for his nasty habits - would you have given him money for drugs? No... I thought not.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I do understand how easy it is to feel pressurised. Just keep your money for yourself and your son, save up for your insurance and remain independent.

Hobo17

Maintenance and contact are completely separate issues. You should not remove access because he does not pay maintenance. What is best for your son is to continue to have a relationship with his father and not to be dragged into squabbles over money.

I was under the impression that parents on JSA should contribute £5 a week for child maintenance (I thought it was deducted directly from their JSA), maybe worth checking on the Child support board?

Are there any grants available to help you build up your business (maybe the Princes Trust or something?) or any help with childcare? Have you checked you're claiming everything you're entitled to (free nursery hours if your son is over a certain age, is your CTC calculation right?) If your son is 4, will he be in school soon - will that give you some extra time to try and schedule work in without having to pay childcare?

As someone else has said, keep your money for yourself, don't be buying him cigarettes, and try and discuss a suitable arrangement for pickups and collections. Can you meet him somewhere half way or at least part way along the route? If he is unemployed can he help with childcare whilst you're working, rather than paying nursery fees? As tough as it is I would bite your tongue and try and start from scratch to have a sensible discussion about what you can both do in terms of transport/childcare to help the other out and fit around the money difficulties you are both having.

pigpen

Toocleverbyhalf wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I agree he doesn't have to pay as that's what I was told. I think the best thing to do is cut off contact because I'm clearly banging my head against a brick wall. The dilemma for me is that he & my son adore each other so I don't want to stop accesss. I wish I knew what to do that's best for my son!

Best for your son?

I'd say you do everything in your power to keep a healthy relationship between your son and his dad and between yourself and the 2 of them.

It is however his responsibility to come collect and drop off your son but if you can come to an amicable agreement over this surely that is better for your son than warring parents and being denied contact with his dad who he loves and who loves him.

It sounds like you want to hold your son to ransom.. pay up or else you aren't seeing him.. What would he pay you out of his £50 a weekish???

You don't have to love him or even like him but you have to accept you both love your son and want to spend time with him and give him the best you can. If you are struggling financially maybe it is time to recruit more work so you have more income or find a better paid line of work or look at savings that can be made in the home.

toocleverbyhalf

Hi
Thanks everyone for your replies. I seem to have given the wrong impression when I said that I would cut off contact. I meant between my sons father and me, not with him and my son. It is him that refuses to see him when we have a disagreement, I don't keep him away. He also refuses to see him if I don't drop him off.
This isn't a made up post. I suffered alcoholism and domestic violence until he went to rehab 2 years ago and I'm still very wary of him, but he loves his son and is entitled to access. I'm not spiteful, I have to be constantly vigilant that he doesn't drink again in front of my son.
As far as nursery is concerned, it is one attached to the school & he can only attend on his allotted times which are 9-12pm mon-fri. As he is starting school in September I am loath to move him as he has had a lot of upset in his short life and I want to keep at least that part stable.
I can't get any more work than I do. The beauty industry where I live ( in the SW) is as dead as a dodo, but I was waiting for him to start school before I tried for something else.
By the way, my son has offered to pay the deposit on my insurance so I'll be able to get him to and from nursery.