Feeling trapped

Tish_P

If you've decided he's the one for you, could you talk about moving to a place that belongs to both of you? At the moment you are having to fit in to his existing home, life and routines - that can be awkward even without kids as nothing feels "yours". His life will have to change too if you're in this for the long haul, so find out now whether he is going to let that happen.

If he's not the one - well, you know what to do.

January20

To the people who are telling the OP that she knew he had children, yes of course she knew, but there is a difference between knowing that a person has children and realising quite how much it will impact on life in general. Let's be honest, for a lot, if not most, biological parents, having a child takes a lot to get used to. You just need to read threads on this forum to realise how many new (and not so new) parents are struggling with their children.

Saying to the OP that she knew he had children is in my opinion quite unfair to her! So are any comments in the vein of pitying the children because she is admitting she is struggling, and she doesn't pretend she loves them as her own!

gratefulforhelp_2

january sorry, I disagree. I think the needs of the children in a step-family situation are paramount.

fannyanna

I agree with January and was going to post the exact same thing. As a 26 year old step-mum myself I can wholeheartedly agree that you do not realise the impact of children until it's too late. In my case reality didn't set in until I was engaged to be married and by that time I was in a lose-lose situation. Either walk away from the man of my dreams and be miserable or stay together and be miserable.

For me it's not easy being a step-mum and what makes it worse is everyone elses expectations of what you should do and how you should feel etc. For me it has got easier and I'm still working on it so hopefully it's going to get even better in the future.

I don't have the answer for you - if I did I'd be a much happier woman. My only advice (and this really is important) is try as hard as you can to keep your true feelings from the children. No matter how down you are or how angry you may feel NEVER let the children pick up on this. Always put a brave face on for their sake and if you need time out then go out for a bit. Trust me I know how hard it can be to be a step-mum but it's not the childrens fault and you need to be careful that they don't pick up on any resentment as that will be detrimental to them.

I really, really hope that things get better for you x

January20

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

january sorry, I disagree. I think the needs of the children in a step-family situation are paramount.

The needs of the children are important. However, like in any other family, so are the needs of other members of the household. What do you think will happen to this relationship if it's not sorted?

Do you think an tired, stressed, unhappy step-parents who gets little time to wind down, never mind spend some alone time with their partner, is going to have the ability to make sure the needs of these children are met? In fairy tales perhaps, not likely in real life!

thorsoak

Personally, I think you have found a diamond! He obviously puts the children first - and, once a parent, you do really have to do this. He is doing everything right for his children - and you either have to accept that you will come second to this relationship - or get out of it.

We are always hammering on here, to women, that if a new partner does not take to a child, then new partner should be shown the door ...same applies here.

I know its not what you want to hear - but you obviously have a lot of thinking to do.

the_cat

thorsoak wrote: »

Personally, I think you have found a diamond! He obviously puts the children first - and, once a parent, you do really have to do this. He is doing everything right for his children - and you either have to accept that you will come second to this relationship - or get out of it.

Agreed! Although I do think he is guilty of taking the path of least resistance with regard to his ex. It seems that the OP has quietly accepted the fact that they will not have holidays together and he thinks the ex-wife will be much more vocal in her demands (although why either of them think it should be an issue when she has just gone away while he had the kids in 'her' time I have no idea)

Perhaps part of the frustration is feeling like the only compromises being made are the OP's? Of course the needs of the children are paramount but being expected to just slot into someone else's life with no give and take is a very big ask and not one a lot of people would be prepared to tollerate

gratefulforhelp_2

January20 wrote: »

The needs of the children are important. However, like in any other family, so are the needs of other members of the household. What do you think will happen to this relationship if it's not sorted?

Do you think an tired, stressed, unhappy step-parents who gets little time to wind down, never mind spend some alone time with their partner, is going to have the ability to make sure the needs of these children are met? In fairy tales perhaps, not likely in real life!

If it isn't sorted, then I think the relationship will end. That's why I think the OP should suss out whether she is up for this sooner rather than later. From the last post I read of hers, it sounds as though she isn't at all sure.

Now of course she may change her partner's behaviour, and live happily ever after, and be the best step mum ever...but the odds are she will bang her head against the proverbial brick wall, and then split up with him, at what cost to the kids who have come to know her and care about her?

And unfortunately, as I have said, it isn't about whether the step parent is happy, its about whether the kids are happy.

lilmissmup

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Kids went home Saturday night and I tried to talk to OH, got quite upset and cried and discussed some of it but I don't know how much sense I was making.

I told him how I found it hard that I have had to move into their house (although as an avid MSE fan I know we can't just sell a house easily and it is his and the kids home although I would never have chosen to live here!) and he said he understands that.

I am not giving up on the holiday thing, if he is too scared to ask her to look after the kids for a few extra nights one week out a year then we are never going to proceed, how could he cope with marriage and kids with me if he thinks that will set her off? She left him for another woman which is another thing that winds me up as he acts like he did it all wrong and like he has something to feel guilty for.....

And yes he is a diamond, hes very caring and considerate but unfortunately hates talking about emotional stuff so when I do try to discuss stuff he just looks at me, gets teary but I don't feel like I am getting somewhere.

Theres nothing he can do about it as I don't expect him to change anything he does with the kids anyway, if I go its because of me.

I was very close to leaving Saturday night and told him that but I couldnt bare to go as I love him more than anything.

Kids are back here tonight but then I don't see them again until Friday night as I am on a works course away at end of week.

Think a lot of my feelings were from having them here a whole week but I need to work at it/try get some more space when needed.

Cant wait to drive to be able to see friends and let him have some alone time with them too.

Oh and I did know he had kids you're all right but as another poster says the reality only hits you once you are in it.

londoner1998

lilmissmup wrote: »

I do work and am doing my driving lessons again now hoping to take my test again in June after 3 failed attempts in 2006. My work is also 10 miles so I am getting up at 6am and commuting to work and working until 6pm and getting home at 7 which is why I am getting stressed in evenings, just want to rest not watch kids movies and eat dinner at 9pm.

I have really been put off having my own kids just from this and they are good kids just don't think I am set out to be a step mother.

It would be nice to go away for a while again but I had to move home in 2009 after me and ex split and don't want to go back again when just got out!

Oh, Lilmissup, I feel for you... I have been with my partner for 8 years now and his daughter was 4 when we met... we moved in together after about nine months and I remember the first year together as a very lonely, tiring and isolating one, as the little free time we had was conditioned by when he had chis child- and that was every weekend.
I have to say if the relationship progresses, it does get easier as the children grow, but I will also be very honest with you- as a step mother of sorts, being araound those children will be the hardest thing you will ever do- you will not be expected to have any rights over them and whatever you do, well, it is your duty, so to speak. I had no support whatsoever , and while I am proud we are still together and I have a nice relationship with the girl, I also know I have had very hatd times. It is really important that some healthy boundaries are set up asap- in my case, the ex would be calling him each time the girl didn't want to eat or if whe had a tantrum- I had to make it clear that it didn't feel right, but there have been countless dramas with the mum and a lot of tears in the process. Also, you need to be prudent- get too attached and one day you can be told you are not their mother. An yes, if you both are not happy and in agreement as to how to act in front of the child, the child wil suffer too.

It is a really, really hard thing to do, no rewards or pat on the back, but it also has its rewards- make sure you build a life for yourself. Go out and keep your circle of friends close to you- make sure you have a good support system becasue you might need it- it you really love this man, make sure you look after yourself and then you will be able to withstand whatever comes- it is not easy for him either, he will often be torn between his obligation as a father and ex-parter and his commitment to you. And probably won;t understand eitehr that his children are not your children and so you don't feel the same way.
This is so close to my heart, i hve been close to throw the towel in many times...but I am here, 8 years on and the problems we have now are different problems, nothing to do with the child and the arranegements, because she is 12 and she manages herself pretty much now. BUt like others have said, it is a really good sign he is such an involved parent...
Take it easy and don't go full on until you feel ready. Abit of space will be good for all.