Feeling trapped

lilmissmup

Was considering posting this under a new user name as worried my OH might find but as I am not doing anything wrong I guess it doesn't matter!

As usual over the last 4 years I am looking to advice from fellow MSE'rs.....

I have been with my 34yr old OH for just over a year now and moved into his house a month ago, he is divorced and has two kids aged 5 & 8.

Before I moved in I started to stay over at weekends so kids would get used to me being here as he has them every other weekend but I hadn't been here in week when he has them (two nights a week).

Now I am living here I am starting to feel "suffocated". I dont drive and I have moved 10 miles away from my friends to a place with no public transport which probably isn't helping it but I am wondering if I have made a wrong decision.

I get on fine with the kids but I am only 26 and feel as if I am settling for his life rather than a life I wanted, I had the dream of having my own children and raising a family but because he has done it all before it feels to me like if we did it wouldnt be as special and also his ex feels free to instruct him when he is having the kids but when I suggest we go away hes too scared to tell her that he can't have them, hes already admitted to me he is terrifed of her and it makes me angry that he won't stand up to her, I understand he could be scared she might get funny about him seeing the kids but tbh I don't think she would as he does more for them than her it seems.

We have had the kids for over a week now as his ex has gone on holiday which is why I am feeling so down about everything, dont feel I can talk to him about it as I feel like I am being selfish and if I leave its just going to be confusing for them but I'm not happy.

Wondering if anyone else has been through this and if it gets easier.

mrcow

So what would you like to do? It sounds like you want to move back out again and have a bit of a breather.

It doesn't sound like a bad plan. If you're having doubts, it's better to act on them now rather than live an unhappy, stifled life for too long and then you really are trapped.

twi1ight

Sounds like you've probably had a tough month with moving and now a hard week looking after 2 kids.

Do you work or manage to get our of the house regularly? Could you start taking driving lessons? If it's going to work, you'll need to start building a life for yourself where you're living so you don't feel so dependent on your partner.

In terms of the kids, I would try and wait for things to calm down after their visit before raising it with your partner. You're probably both shattered. I'm sure lots of people share your frustrations and hopefully can give you some tips.

lilmissmup

I do work and am doing my driving lessons again now hoping to take my test again in June after 3 failed attempts in 2006. My work is also 10 miles so I am getting up at 6am and commuting to work and working until 6pm and getting home at 7 which is why I am getting stressed in evenings, just want to rest not watch kids movies and eat dinner at 9pm.

I have really been put off having my own kids just from this and they are good kids just don't think I am set out to be a step mother.

It would be nice to go away for a while again but I had to move home in 2009 after me and ex split and don't want to go back again when just got out!

lilmissmup

Kids will be gone tonight but back Monday & wednesday and from next friday-monday.

January20

I feel for you. It's hard enough raising your own children, which you have had from birth, but looking after someone else's is so much harder. And it looks like you don't spend very much time alone as a couple either if they are gone tonight and then back on Monday!

Have you an opportunity to get out for a few days so you can get a bit of time on your own? Do you have any family/ friends you could stay with for a little while, whilst you get your head around things.

You're only 26. You have a brand new relationship and not really doing the things you could be doing. You need to speak to your OH about how you feel and he must try to be less scared of his ex!

Sorry, I know I'm not much help! Difficult situation to advise you on.

ETA: you are NOT being selfish!

gratefulforhelp_2

lilmissmup wrote: »

Now I am living here I am starting to feel "suffocated". I dont drive and I have moved 10 miles away from my friends to a place with no public transport which probably isn't helping it but I am wondering if I have made a wrong decision.

I get on fine with the kids but I am only 26 and feel as if I am settling for his life rather than a life I wanted, I had the dream of having my own children and raising a family but because he has done it all before it feels to me like if we did it wouldnt be as special and also his ex feels free to instruct him when he is having the kids but when I suggest we go away hes too scared to tell her that he can't have them, hes already admitted to me he is terrifed of her and it makes me angry that he won't stand up to her, I understand he could be scared she might get funny about him seeing the kids but tbh I don't think she would as he does more for them than her it seems.

We have had the kids for over a week now as his ex has gone on holiday which is why I am feeling so down about everything, dont feel I can talk to him about it as I feel like I am being selfish and if I leave its just going to be confusing for them but I'm not happy.

Wondering if anyone else has been through this and if it gets easier.

Have driving lessons, maybe go away at a time when it will not interfere with contact with his children, and maybe consider whether at your age you have the maturity (not meaning to insult you) to deal with the cut and thrust of a partner with "baggage"?

If it was me, I would be moving out again and seeing how I felt in a few months;)

lilmissmup

He has them every other weekend and two nights a week every week so we can't go on a proper holiday unless he tells her he can't have them. I know it will be easier once I drive but still not sure I can hack it for the long haul.

I am on a course with work this week so away for two nights but one of them is the only night we would have together for next week and half as kids will be here from when I get back again. Tempted to do loads of overtime just to escape, not good that I don't want to be at home.

cavework

Oh Blimey OP ..
You met and moved in with someone who had children from a previous relationship. You knew the score
As for any children you may have with your partner? Every child is special.
Get over the fact that your partner has a past .. a lot of us have to do this when marrying someone with a past relationship including children
If you truely love him/her then you will accept the past.
The problem is when people refuse to accept the past. Kids get forgotten and they have no say in their parents new lives..through no fault of their own
2 choices here .. accept the past and work with it or be fair to everyone and walk away now.
I am sorry if this sounds cruel but kids do reduce your social life but the rewards .. Mum or step Mum are worth it when you are older

Counting_Pennies_2

You haven't had a chance to enjoy this relationship just the two of you, you have moved into a ready made family.

So I think you need to have a think about how much he means to you, and if he is the love of your life, that you will make the most of the time you do have together.

The ex wife has gone on holiday, so I would suggest your OH speak with her, and say that he is planning on booking up a holiday (do it for the same period of time she has) and that he won't be able to have the children for the two nights of that week. So you go on the Monday after they have stayed for the weekend, and you return the following Sunday, so you have seven days and nights away.

LillythePink

You knew that he had baggage when you moved in with him so you should expect a situation which isn't just the two of you.

However, it does seem a bit one sided that the ex is allowed to go away on holiday and leave the children with him full time for x amount of time, but he isn't allowed the same.

He does need to stand up to her and put his foot down about a holiday for you two without the children (if only out of principle)

How does he include you in the children's lives when they are at his? Does he let you discipline them (if needed?) does he exclude you from decisions etc? How have the children taken to you? Does he leave them with you on your own for any time....even if it is for 30 mins to go to the shop?

All of this will have an impact on how you feel about the situation - you can't expect him to not see his children just because you are on the scene (I am not suggesting that you have said this).

Also, just because he has children now, doesn't mean that any you have with him will not be special - of course they will be - every child is special and every different relationship is special

I think that when you have passed your test, you will think differently about the situation as you will be able to have your own space - even if it is going for a drive!