Feeling trapped

Liam002

First, he needs to speak up and stop being afraid of his ex! You have to support him and make him feel strong about it. He should be able to say NO to her, so that you two can spend some quality time.
You have to have a serious talk with him after the kids are gone, and let him know that you are still young and until you have children of your own, you want to enjoy life with him. Make sure he understands his kids are great and you love them, but that sometimes, you want a life with him, without his children.

Did you have any idea it was going to be like that when you committed to him?

January20

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Have driving lessons, maybe go away at a time when it will not interfere with contact with his children, and maybe consider whether at your age you have the maturity (not meaning to insult you) to deal with the cut and thrust of a partner with "baggage"?

If it was me, I would be moving out again and seeing how I felt in a few months;)

I'm in my late 40s, have my own (albeit grown-up) child but would never, ever get in a relationship with somebody who has that kind of baggage, especially if he was too scared to speak to his ex about changing contact to allow for a holiday.

I don't think it's a question of maturity - well perhaps it is and I'm not mature enough lol! Seriously, perhaps more a question of what you are willing/ able to sacrifice?

You're right she should prob move out again. At 26 I was having lots of fun, not looking after somebody else's children whilst she was enjoying a holiday!

cavework

My OH moved into a ready made family.. He took on my 5 year old son.
We then had another child. It wasn't my OH who complained about having no social life, he was older than me and the best Dad ever , it was me!
He kept sayin hang on , enjoy the kids cos you will miss them when they leave home..
He was so right
One fantastic step Dad and Dad
x

gratefulforhelp_2

lilmissmup wrote: »

He has them every other weekend and two nights a week every week so we can't go on a proper holiday unless he tells her he can't have them. I know it will be easier once I drive but still not sure I can hack it for the long haul.

I see how you feel about him standing up to her, but really, is he suddenly going to do that just because you have moved in?

Have you never been on holiday together before? Maybe you moved in a bit soon...I wouldn't, personally, move in with someone I hadn't done those things with.

At 26 I have to say I was enjoying myself, too, not looking after someone else's kids.

That said, if you're up for it, it may be the best thing you've ever done.

If you're not up for it, and it sounds as though that's the case, the fairest thing to these two children would be to leave before they get any more attached to you.

cavework you are lucky in your OH as I am in my DH, he is fab;)

sjc3

I hope you manage to resolve this situation. I would wait till the kids go back to their mums and you and your partner have had chance to relax. Then sit down and have a real heart to heart with him. I am sure he is aware of how tough it is for you.

I do think he needs to be more confident with communicating with his ex. He does sound like a good dad who does his fair share. His ex shouldn't be scaring him witless and have him over a barrel over seeing his kids.

If he wont take your feelings into account and adjust how things are handled with his ex then, maybe this reLationship isn't for you. It is alot to get involved with someone who has kids already. Being a mum is very hard work at times, being a step mum must be very tricky. I can really understand your feelings of how special will it be if you and your partner have kids, as he has already done it before. Though I hope your fears would be ungrounded there as every baby is special.

Good luck OP

LillythePink

My OH moved into this ready made family as well - but he wanted it though and is a better dad to my dd than her real dad.

However......my ex has married again - his OH (dd's step witch) was fine with my dd at first - all that changed when she had her own child. She doesn't take any interest in my dd and we have had all sorts of problems because of it. I am not asking her to be a mum to my dd, all I want is for my dd to feel welcome when she visits her dad and have some time with him - dd was coming out with all sorts of stories which are true.

If you want to be involved with someone who has baggage, then it is a responsibility and not a game - whilst all relationships can end for all sorts of reasons, where children are involved it's worse - on all sides.

Take time out and think about what you want to do - if you are unsure, then you need to make yourself sure - whichever way you go as the longer you are there in their lives (and especially if they really like you) the worse it will be if you leave.

lilmissmup

I think its great for him he sees them so much and would never expect him to start seeing them less and it's not a social life I crave, I just like to see my friends for a catch up once a week. Only have big nights out every few months.

I have looked after kids twice for him when he has had band practice. I haven't been in a situation where I have needed to discipline them.

Just thinking if I can't cope with them being here a full week then I should probably get out now.

Don't expect him to change for me and don't honestly think he is prepared to stand up to his ex as he needs to sort out his financial issues with her too but is scared of that as well.

bluebell13

Actually OP 15 years ago I was like you up to a point. My ex husband was 15 years older but had 2 children who were 9 and 7 when we met, and an ex-wife who called all, and I mean all the shots. I moved away from my friends to his remote cottage in a small village, although I could drive so wasn't as isolated, and the children did not visit as often so we had more time together than you. What I didn't appreciate being a childless 26 year old was what it was like to take on someone else's children, and just how much they meant to their dad, so much so that he went along with all the ex wife's demands because he was frightened of losing them. I tried my best to accomodate them, and I truly cared for them. They were lovely, but I always came second (and now years later having had my own children I know why). The real question in all this is whether you can accept all this or whether ultimately you will continue to feel resentful and trapped because that will eat away at you. If you aren't happy and don't think you will be then you need to move out sooner rather than later.

My marriage lasted 5 years and ended ultimately because we couldn't have children together, so we decided to split. My ex was a lovely man, and sadly I moved on, met someone else and had the 2 children I so wanted, only to find my new partner was a lying, gambling addict who has broken my heart and left me as a single parent.

If your other half is a lovely man, wants more children with you (and believe me all his children will be special to him) and you want a family which includes your OH children, then develop some independance and also embrace the new life you will be leading. It will be hard but it will be worth it. I left at 31 and 2 weeks after I left I had a phone call from my 15 year old step-daughter to say how devastated she was that I had gone and how much I meant to her. I genuinely had no idea that I had had any effect on them. How niave I was....

ajaney

I moved 70 miles to live with my OH in 1999 - I was 21, he was 30 & he had a 4 year old son who lived with his Mum in the same town. I knew no-one & had a new job to contend with.


Fast-forward to now & we have our own son, 8 1/2 months old, DSS is now 15.

I was resentful of DSS at first as relations between OH & ex were strained so it felt like we were always accomodating her with the childcare but I quickly realised that it is a good thing that my OH wanted to be involved in caring for his son. It was difficult for my OH to have a regular contact schedule as he works shifts (still does) so I became more involved in order to have DSS stay the same night in the week & 1 night every weekend as a minimum. I forged a relationship with his ex, being super-sweet, accommodating, complimenting her on DSS ('What a super school report' / 'Thats a great outfit on DSS') & complimenting her to DSS as they do tend to go home & tell all when young! and now I call her a friend, she has looked after my son while I have gone to hairdressers, made me a nappy-cake when son was born so she is now my friend. This took time & persistance.

Now I am a Mum myself, I can totally understand why my OH would always take any opportunity he could to have DSS. I worked very hard on becoming a friend to DSS (he doesnt need a Mum, he's already got one of those) & have tried my hardest to make sure he has not been 'pushed out' by the arrival of my son. Our relationship is great, we have a laugh together, friends on facebook (whereas his parents are not) & I am proud of all his acheivements & hope I have helped him in a small way.

If the split is fairly recent, then there's a chance that relations may improve to the point that your OH may not feel quite so beholden to her but accept the fact that this ex will have a large presence in your life (if the split was initiated by your OH or due to what she thinks is his unreasonable behaviour, it could be a while).

Becoming a dad again has been a fantastic experience for my OH & I have not felt that he is 'jaded' from doing it before. You do need to talk about whether having more children is something he wants or not, as it is obviously important to you.

Learning to drive will help you be more independent as i think some of your feelings are to do with not being able to get out & about from your new location.

I hope these little 'snippets' of experience help you. My over-riding point would be that you will have to accept the kids & ex are part of your OH, for better & for worse & they will have influence over your life for some time. Only you can decide if this is something you are prepared to accept.

Pixiechic

Given your situation, I would feel trapped too. Yet, you knew that he had children and would therefore come as a 'package' deal.

Maybe it is all too much too soon and that is understandable. It seems that you are slightly overwhelmed by it all.

Speak to him about it, I am sure that between you and if you want to, you could sort something out. You are still young though and you don't need to be tied down so soon.