How do I deal with changes to my sons stayin contact?

barbiedoll

Does your son take his mobile with him? Could you ring him and maybe set up a "secret " codeword so if he wants to come home he could tell you without anyone knowing and you could then go and collect him?

You could always let the police know if you think that the ex will make trouble at the door.

mrs1978

Thanku all for your valuable support. Yes I could do that with his mobile phone.

I have told dad that my son won't be stayin over tonight. He is on his way with his court order and says he will involve the police and have me arrested ...I feel sick

POPPYOSCAR

mrs1978 wrote: »

Thanku all for your valuable support. Yes I could do that with his mobile phone.

I have told dad that my son won't be stayin over tonight. He is on his way with his court order and says he will involve the police and have me arrested ...I feel sick

I don't think the police will do anything.

He will have to go to court to have the order enforced.

Does your son want to go?

Madmel

mrs1978 wrote: »

Thanku all for your valuable support. Yes I could do that with his mobile phone.

I have told dad that my son won't be stayin over tonight. He is on his way with his court order and says he will involve the police and have me arrested ...I feel sick

PLEASE don't worry. Your DS is old enough for the Police to speak to (that's if they have even been called) and if he says that he doesn't want to go, I cannot imagine them making him.

Could you perhaps be a bit economical with the truth? Instead of saying DS doesn't want to go, could he perhaps have a *tummy bug* that you don't want to spread round his father's family. At least that would buy you some more time to consult a professional. Fingers crossed for you...

mrs1978

I feel like no matter what decision I make it will be wrong, I have explained
briefly to my son that things need to be worked out for the better and
I will do all I can to make things right.
He does want to go, yes, that's my issue. I can't safeguard my
sons welfare without goin against his wishes , which I have never done before with regards to contact.
I just wish the dad was approachable, there is just no
need for it to be like this.
My son said he hasn't seen his brother and sister he newly met last year for
6wks now. The gf and dad don't them
together as they said my
son upsets them. I understand jealousy and friction issues arise but
don't think the answer is to cast my
son off to the side :-(

JoJoB

If he turns up at your door being threatening and shouting the odds and saying he'll call the police call them yourself and report him for threatening behaviour. When he waves the court order at them they will not do a thing, especially when you say the reason you are with-holding contact is a child protection issue.

It is for the courts to decide and enforce. You need to get to a solicitor first thing on monday to sort out legal aid if you qualify and to make a start on the application to vary or overturn the court order. It is likely he will contest, in which case CAFCASS will be called upon to interview all parties concerned to give their opinion to the courts about what access should be permitted (if any).

Your son's views will be taken into account. I would be 100% honest with your son over the weekend about your plans and what your concerns are about him seeing his dad. If he is asked if he wants to see his dad it is very likely he will say "yes" even though he is miserable when there, because to say "no" involves feelings of guilt and feeling disloyal - and he probably is holding out for dad to be a nice dad - he could be very attached to the "idea" of dad rather than the reality. This could take him a little time to work through and he may not be psychologically ready to cut his dad out of his life just yet. So doing the right thing by your son may not feel like the right thing if he's very upset by it.

So I would say to your son how you've noticed he's been very unhappy lately and you think it is time for him to have a break from going to dad's for a while. And that if he wants to see him in the future that's fine, but for now you'd like him to be home with you. Put in these terms he may find it easier to agree to. If he is still insistent that he wants to see dad and gets very upset about it then suggest something like a contact centre or reduced access. The courts will respect the opinions of your son so it would be good to figure out a compromise with him before it gets to that stage.

Your ex will no doubt be down the solicitor monday too, getting them to write you a letter citing the terms of the current court order, so you should be quick about it too. Good luck.

mrs1978

Thanku Jojob :-)

He came to door, I said he was welcome to see ds but
I wasn't happy for him to stay over, he didn't entertain discussing anything or askin why, he just said so your not
goin to hand him over then. He then started shouting his
mouth off in the street infront of his car full of gf and kids and said he was
off to take his court order to the police station.

Not heard anything since, my son just received a
text, saying 'so sorry son it looks like your mom won't allow me
to see you but I will do all I can to make
sure it's not for long'. :-(. Ds is ok, bit confused bit I have explained what u suggested.

Just received a text off gf sayin she is contacting social services and I wonder why she won't allow my son to drag her
kids down with him....

:-( what a !!!! situation

Mojisola

Your poor son!

I think you need to speak to a solicitor asap and explain what's happened. Don't wait for your ex to get his story in first and you being put into the position of defending yourself.

mrs1978 wrote: »

My son has become emotional and aggressive, bedwets, soils his pants, absconded after school and ran 3 miles away. Found eventually.

These things are symptoms of something going very wrong in his life. Put the whole sequence of events on paper, keeping it as unemotional as possible. Stick to the facts.

Can you get his school involved to document that his behaviour and achievement has changed over this time? Have you been to see your GP about the stress he's under and the way he is reacting to it?

mrs1978

I'm working with the school at the moment, his class teacher has noticed his concentration levels faltering and generally not happy and his self esteem is low, we are workin on boosting him and he's been generally more himself this wk and happier.
He saw the school councillor last yr at sone point which school
have only just informed me, I have asked them for details and time date etc, they r yet to tell me, just said he had talked about a bad time at dads and feels in the middle.

I spoke to my gp, he advised me to either continue with school councilor or access the family mental Health foe
support. I don't know who is best at this time, I need to arrange to meet with school
councillor and find facts first. I don't want ds labelled in any way. Just want him to be supported in the best way. It's just unfortunate that the dad won't agree some
limited contact in the meantime. It's seems more of a
power struggle for him.

I know we are not eligible for legal
aid as we are both proffessionals and have good income. Downside we have limited spare money due to debts.
So payin for a solicitor is goin to very difficult.

GobbledyGook

mrs1978 wrote: »

Thanku Jojob :-)

He came to door, I said he was welcome to see ds but
I wasn't happy for him to stay over, he didn't entertain discussing anything or askin why, he just said so your not
goin to hand him over then. He then started shouting his
mouth off in the street infront of his car full of gf and kids and said he was
off to take his court order to the police station.

Not heard anything since, my son just received a
text, saying 'so sorry son it looks like your mom won't allow me
to see you but I will do all I can to make
sure it's not for long'. :-(. Ds is ok, bit confused bit I have explained what u suggested.

Just received a text off gf sayin she is contacting social services and I wonder why she won't allow my son to drag her
kids down with him....

:-( what a !!!! situation

So now you have proof that the gf and dad are not allowing your son to mix with their children.

I'd make sure you keep a hold of that text as I'm sure the court would be quite interesting in why Dad thinks it's acceptable for his girlfriend to consider your son beneath their children.