How do I deal with changes to my sons stayin contact?

mrs1978

My son & his dad have had little contact over 10yrs with long gaps of upto 3 yrs a times. A yr ago he asked to see him so I contacted the nrp explaining he wanted to see him . He is settled with. Gf & 2 other children. Fortnightly contact commenced and swiftly
moved to full days, he then served me court papers for a contact order and after 9mths was given pr, fortnightly staying contact. In between the visits we don't hear off him
at all, despite my son havin his own mobile for direct contact and court encouraging him to call his son now and then.

So after displaying in court a lovely stable home, buying bunkbeds and clothes etc.... Things were goin ok.

This all changed at Xmas, after 1 yr of good contact. He is no longer allowed to stay at the family home, is taken to paternal grandmas and left there with her (70yrs) or uncle?!
Although the ex told me he was stayin at their home. He leaves him to work or to go home to his gf & kids. And has clearly told me this is none of my business what he does with him in his care as he has a contact order.

My son has become emotional and aggressive, bedwets, soils his pants, absconded after school and ran 3 miles away. Found eventually . He is 11 now. He tells me he shared a bed with dad in nana bed?! And stays up til gone midnight as dad 'always falls asleep on the sofa at 9ish' left to hang out with dads 40+ yr old
brother playing xbox. Also isn't given his prescribed medication either.

Believe me I have addressed these issues with ex but he tells me it's nothin to do with me. My son also said he told him 'sorry son, no offence but I've told you mom to !!!! off, I'm sick of her tellin me what to do'


So my biggest problem is my son wants to go and just accepts the way he is treated as normal, I guess he just wants to see dad regardless. Assures me he is happy . But also tells me he has to go cuz dad has a court order.
He also told a school councillor end of last yr that he wasn't enjoying his wkend with dad. All I ever get is a rosy story and he regularly lies about imaginary trips to the cinema with dad and how he has had great fun, when I find out he has been left and not
been with dad.
I think xbox may be more attraction than dad and the lack of routine or boundaries.

What to do?? I don't want to stop contact but I have suggested him
not stay over and the ex says he just wn't bring him home
as per court order.

Please help, my son is goin well off the rails from a lovely well adjusted lad.

Broken_hearted

Buy an x-box? Serious answer get professional advice to change the court order.

newcook

big hugs to your son

how horrible for your son to be pushed away like this. why is he no longer allowed to stay at gf's house? If I were you I would be straight onto the courts (or whoever it is you need to contact) and telling them how this is affecting your son and you want the order removed with immediate effect.

neneromanova

I would personally just say "sod the court order, take me back to court if you want to but I'm protecting my son from you." Then when/if he takes you back to court, show to the court how it is distressing him and also that he doesn't actually stay with the ex. That way if the courts say well why did you stop contact straight away, why didn't you leave it to apply to the court you can say you were too worried for his mental health/wellbeing

Also, an xbox never hurt anyone time to get one me thinks

pigpen

If he was mine I'd simply say he wasn't going.. and could take me back to court if he wanted.. you won't be thrown in jail for not complying with an order which is now putting your son in a difficult position.

Contact your solicitor and tell him what you are doing and why and ask his advice. He is able to reapply to the court for a change to the court order. In the meantime you do what you can to keep your son safe.

He may have the appeal of the Xbox there too but there are loads of games that are very suitable for a boy of 11 (mine was 12 2 weeks ago) so might he like one or some other console for his birthday or christmas this year?

Sounds like the poor boy is stuck in the middle.

gratefulforhelp_2

Broken_hearted wrote: »

Serious answer get professional advice to change the court order.

Please do it soon.

LondonDiva

Only thing in yoru post I take issue with OP, is your :eek: that your son shared a bed with his dad.

Unless you are suggesting in anyway that there is abuse or inappropriate (sexual) behaviour, this is a very unhealthy response to a potentially innocent interaction between parent and child.

Zoetoes

LondonDiva wrote: »

Only thing in yoru post I take issue with OP, is your :eek: that your son shared a bed with his dad.

Unless you are suggesting in anyway that there is abuse or inappropriate (sexual) behaviour, this is a very unhealthy response to a potentially innocent interaction between parent and child.

I think OP was just pointing out that they had stayed at the grandma's house rather than dads?

barbiedoll

The fact that your son is bedwetting, running away from school and is emotionally stressed, really rings alarm bells with me.

You need to sort this out through the courts as soon as possible, this does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. Why is he banned from the gf's house? Is she jealous?

Your son sounds as though he is scared of his dad, especially if he is bad-mouthing you during the visits too. You need to get a family liason officer involved, your son's wishes will be taken into account, if he tells someone that he is unhappy with the contact, he will not be made to go.

Please try to sort this out for your son before it is too late. This is a very vunerable age and the fact that he is lying to you about the visits, suggests that he may have been threatened by his dad not to speak about what really goes on there. How well do you/he know the grandparents/uncle? To all intents and purposes, they are strangers to him and I doubt that an X-box is such a big attraction, even for an 11 yr old.

mrs1978

Londondiva, in no way was I implying anything untoward goin on with bed sharing. I was upset to hear the unnecessary need to, as the dad had assured me that he was goin to stay in his own
single bed in available spare room. My son said he slept with dad because
otherwise dad would have no where to sleep. And yes on a few occasions before this he had told me he was staying at his.

He is due to go tomorrow morning but as usual haven't heard from the dad, I presume he will just turn up.
How do I explain to my son if I don't allow him to go? And he wants to. I know if I suggest him to go but not
stay the dad will just refuse to bring
him back.

My son met his nan and uncle for 1st time last year. Doesn't really speak of them much. He has told me that the dad has told him not to tell me things because it will get him
in trouble, also when he has randomly
mentioned issues , he has pleaded with me not
to tell him he told.

pigpen

I think in order to maintain the trust of your son you need to keep reassuring him he can tell you anything at all without fear of repercussion and if you need to write it down and keep it documented but don't mention it to dad so DS learns you won't get him in trouble.. he sounds very very frightened.

Sit DS down and calmly say to him if he doesn't want to go to see his dad and stay you can make that happen (actually at his age the courts would ask him his opinion and what he wants) and say if he feel unhappy about it or scared all he has to do is say and you won't ask why he doesn't want to go but if he wants to tellyou you will believe him and help him where you can.

there might not be physical abuse going on here but there is definitely mental and emotional abuse in abundance.. ds needs to know you will believe him and keep him safe all he has to do is say the word, he may be too scared to say he doesn't want to go.. maybe he could wrrite you a letter if he cannot bring himself to say it to you.

I'd be on that phone to the solicitor ASAP