How do deal with....

delain

shouldstopspending wrote: »

To be fair, my bf is really ashamed that this happened to him and does not enjoy even speaking about it. He has walked around looking so so sad the last few days, it hurts me to even look at the sadness in his eyes.

I dont think he will go to the police. What would the police do after all these years???

Even telling his mother would be a massive step, telling me was huge... and he has found that so hard.

The police deal with it... There was something here about a man who went to prison 20 odd years later when the victim felt strong enough to talk about it.

Turned out he'd never stopped doing it, just found other kids

Lucy1973

shouldstopspending wrote: »

To be fair, my bf is really ashamed that this happened to him and does not enjoy even speaking about it. He has walked around looking so so sad the last few days, it hurts me to even look at the sadness in his eyes.

I dont think he will go to the police. What would the police do after all these years???

Even telling his mother would be a massive step, telling me was huge... and he has found that so hard.

But the abuser has children and grandchildren. Can your boyfriend live with himself knowing what he has gone thru,another innocent child could be going thru the same thing? Sorry to sound harsh but the police need to be notified asap.

RAS

Hi

Right now there is a very scared 6 year old trying to deal with stuff that happened a long time ago. He is not in a state to talk to the police at the moment.

OP, he needs specialist help. As part of that he will be helped to consider whether this man represents a risk to other children, now.

The fact that the abuser went to the BF's mother's house for Christmas does not suggest that the abuser has a very good relationship with his family, does it?

shouldstopspending

I think my bf is more worried about his own mothers well being, if she found out what this man has done to her son, it might well kill her. And he'd have a more of a conscience if that happened.

While I see and understand your point about going to the police, it has taken YEARS for him to actually accept this has happened to him, and needs the time and space to deal with it accordingly before contacting anybody else who might or might not be involved (i.e. police). Who knows, someone (his family or whatever) might well have contacted the police already.

If it was me, and this happened when I was 6, I am sure that my family would of noticed a very sudden change in my behaviour and would have cottened on to the fact that something was up.

Just wanted to say thank you to those of you that have provided links and contact details.. and advice on how my we can deal with this in the future.

shouldstopspending

RAS - you have a point. I wonder where his grown up children and grandkids were for christmas day.. I will ask this tonight.

I do know his own parents (bf's mum's friends) were overseas at the time, which is why he was invited to spend christmas with her.

Bf is worried about the cost of counselling, and I've made it very clear that when he wishes to speak to one, we will find the money to do so.

red_devil

shouldstopspending wrote: »

RAS - you have a point. I wonder where his grown up children and grandkids were for christmas day.. I will ask this tonight.

I do know his own parents (bf's mum's friends) were overseas at the time, which is why he was invited to spend christmas with her.

Bf is worried about the cost of counselling, and I've made it very clear that when he wishes to speak to one, we will find the money to do so.

have you no counselling in your area that is pay what you can. We had one where no one was turned away and you paid what you could. You might have to ask the doctor. They are usually quite busy though.

Raksha

I got access to my councelling through my Dr - I did initially go to councelling for 'depression' but my councellor then referred me to the Sexual Abuse team

datcat

shouldstopspending wrote: »

If it was me, and this happened when I was 6, I am sure that my family would of noticed a very sudden change in my behaviour and would have cottened on to the fact that something was up.

Just wanted to say thank you to those of you that have provided links and contact details.. and advice on how my we can deal with this in the future.

No not always.

If at 6 you are told not to tell anybody our little secret game because if you do Your mummy will send you away and everyone will hate you by an adult you do tend to belive them and shut it away.
You maybe a little quieter, but that might be put down to something happening at school or a falling out with a friend.
Because you will be so frightened of being sent away or everyone hating you if you tell.
And even if as with me it really hits you when you are older, there is still a little 6 year old in you that is still so frightened.

Gigglepig

I feel so sorry for your partner. It is his decision whether to tell the mother, and please support him whatever he decides to do.

It may be really good for your partner to tell him mother and speak to a counsellor, it may be a big weight off his shoulders to not have to keep this secret any longer. Hopefully if he tells the mother she is supportive.

There is a small chance that the mother may not believe him - this would be awful but it does happen that people are in denial, or she could decide not to cut the abuser out of her life (she may decide to think that it was so long ago the person may have changed, or not hold him responsible if he was only 15-16 etc) Hopefully this does not happen, but if it does your partner may feel extremely let down, and will really need someone to be there for him.

I completely understand that he is worried about his mum being upset, it is great that he is considerate and tries to protect her, but if not speaking out has caused him distress then it may help to break the pattern of silence. It is not a good idea to be so considerate that it becomes self destructive. Family members share both good and bad things. If something bad happened to another family member he would not want them to carry the burden alone, would he?