How do deal with....

shouldstopspending

Hi Raksha,

Thank you for sharing this with me.. do you have a website or number we could call/contact? Google is useless.

Its good to know its helpful...

shouldstopspending

Cassa wrote: »

Hi,

I would urge you not to tell his mother, or go to the police, he told you because he trusted you. His counselling may prompt him to do both these things in his own time, but please don't make that decision on his behalf. He really has enough to deal with now without added turmoil.

Carole

Hi Carole,
Thanks for this. There is absolutely no way I'd tell his mum, or the police. I have spoken to one of my good friends.. and thats it.

Its up to him to decide how he deals with it.. I'm just glad he has decided he will.
x

londoner1998

shouldstopspending wrote: »

To be fair, he is completely crapping himself about speaking to a Counsellor (and me) to bring it to the polices attention.

I did say to him to write down every single feeling and thought regarding the abuse on post it notes, and he could put them in box.. and i'd sellotape them up. I then had a thought of showing these to his mother. Thats mean though and going completely against his wishes.

What would the police do? we are talking YEARS ago now. This man has children, and grandkids now... and when I met him last year I just wanted to wipe the !!!!!! smile off his ugly mug.. and only threw my evil look back in his direction.. so he knew, that i knew.

It is not as simple as going to the police and getting them to arrest this man, these things can take a long time.
While I see the point of going to the police, the most important thing is to get the affected person, ie, the boyfriend, to deal with itand get the helps he needs so that he can start moving forward- this might take years and it is really important he comes to terms with what happened becasue otherwsie it will fester underneath forever. Then, he can start thinking of other people and of the police , if he so wishes. He might not want to bring it out in the open just yet or have to confront interviews, statements and the people he loves (ie his mother) at this point in time. It is not for other peopel to judge this.

Counselling- yes, it is pricey but it his his health and life we are talkign about- for three eyars I had no money left for anything else, but I can categorically say it saved my relationship and made me a better perosn, able to deal with what happened to me. It might be owrth investigating whether he can get counsellign through his GP or whether he is entitled to soem kind of price reduction r benefits. The fact that he is willign to look into it is hugely positive and I wodul definetely encourage him to do so. It won't be easy, but it is necessary.

busiscoming2

shouldstopspending wrote: »

Hi Carole,
Thanks for this. There is absolutely no way I'd tell his mum, or the police. I have spoken to one of my good friends.. and thats it.

Its up to him to decide how he deals with it.. I'm just glad he has decided he will.
x

I go with not telling his mum or the police yet, as someone said he has trusted you enough to tell you and you don't want to jeopardise this. I probably wouldn't have even confided in a good friend as you never know who they may tell.

Have the counselling and take it from there.

Wilma33

You must ask your bf to go to the police, or ask him if you can go on his behalf. God knows what this man is currently doing to his grandchildren or any future grandchildren. Your bf needs to prevent any other children suffering like he is.

If you know this man abuses children and you do nothing then, to my mind, your are implicit in any future abuse.

lostinrates

londoner1998 wrote: »

the most important thing is to get the affected person, ie, the boyfriend, to deal with itand get the helps he needs so that he can start moving forward- this might take years .

I can see it as more important to OP's partner, but what about other children this man might be abusing....OP mentioned he has grandchildren. OP, I do not think you should act behind your partner's back, but I think the police should know. I think the guilt for your partner if he found out other children were being treated in the same way and he could have stopped it would be tremendous. In a situation very close to home I can certainly say keeping quiet was a big mistake for the person involved, and their younger family because it surfaced later the abuse continued, just not with them

Lucy1973

red_devil wrote: »

id go to the police as this man could still be doing it today?

I would also tell my mother what happened and put her in the picture?

Why should he get away with no-one knowing.

I agree with this. I'd be absolutely mortfied,devistated etc if my son was abused and I still welcomed this person into the home. She REALLY has to know.

Lucy1973

shouldstopspending wrote: »

To be fair, he is completely crapping himself about speaking to a Counsellor (and me) to bring it to the polices attention.

I did say to him to write down every single feeling and thought regarding the abuse on post it notes, and he could put them in box.. and i'd sellotape them up. I then had a thought of showing these to his mother. Thats mean though and going completely against his wishes.

What would the police do? we are talking YEARS ago now. This man has children, and grandkids now... and when I met him last year I just wanted to wipe the !!!!!! smile off his ugly mug.. and only threw my evil look back in his direction.. so he knew, that i knew.

Im sorry but WHAT?!?! THIS MAN HAS GRANDKIDS!!!! All the more reason to go to the police:mad::mad::mad:

shouldstopspending

To be fair, my bf is really ashamed that this happened to him and does not enjoy even speaking about it. He has walked around looking so so sad the last few days, it hurts me to even look at the sadness in his eyes.

I dont think he will go to the police. What would the police do after all these years???

Even telling his mother would be a massive step, telling me was huge... and he has found that so hard.

shouldstopspending

Oh - forgot to add, that the man who did this was 15/16 at the time this happened.. and by bf was 6.