How do deal with....

shouldstopspending

Hi All,

I am wondering if you kind lot would have any helpful advice for me.

My bf (of 19 months), had told me last year that he was abused by a family friend, when he was 6 years old, he is now 33. The man who abused him is still a family friend of his mothers, bf has distanced himself completely from this man - who even had the nerve to rock up to his mums on christmas day, and enjoy christmas with bf's mum, while me and bf stayed at home and had our first family christmas with just the 2 of us.

Anyway.. roll up to this weekend, and we have been having a few problems with our relationship recently, with him being very distanced from me, and me putting on weight and feeling a bit fat and unattractive. It turns out that this abuse is always at the back of his mind and he has problems with being intimate and close to me. And at the weekend he told me what this disgusting and vile man has done to him, it makes me want to be sick. How on earth bf didn't go around his mum's house on christmas day and punch this mans lights out, i do not know!

He also had a crap father who abandoned his mum and him at a young age and used to pitch up throughout his younger years and cause all sorts of havoc, so I think he has a bit of an issue with thinking I will take off too and ruin his life. I dunno.

He deals with it by going to the gym sometimes 3 times per day, and is an awesome boxer... but he cant keep dodging with dealing with it, and accepting it happened.

He has never ever spoken to anyone apart from me about this abuse, and I'd really love to help him (and us!).

Does anyone have any advice for him, links to websites, advice for me? advice for our relationship?

I've goggled it and not really come up with many useful links.

londoner1998

shouldstopspending wrote: »

Hi All,

I am wondering if you kind lot would have any helpful advice for me.

My bf (of 19 months), had told me last year that he was abused by a family friend, when he was 6 years old, he is now 33. The man who abused him is still a family friend of his mothers, bf has distanced himself completely from this man - who even had the nerve to rock up to his mums on christmas day, and enjoy christmas with bf's mum, while me and bf stayed at home and had our first family christmas with just the 2 of us.

Anyway.. roll up to this weekend, and we have been having a few problems with our relationship recently, with him being very distanced from me, and me putting on weight and feeling a bit fat and unattractive. It turns out that this abuse is always at the back of his mind and he has problems with being intimate and close to me. And at the weekend he told me what this disgusting and vile man has done to him, it makes me want to be sick. How on earth bf didn't go around his mum's house on christmas day and punch this mans lights out, i do not know!

He also had a crap father who abandoned his mum and him at a young age and used to pitch up throughout his younger years and cause all sorts of havoc, so I think he has a bit of an issue with thinking I will take off too and ruin his life. I dunno.

He deals with it by going to the gym sometimes 3 times per day, and is an awesome boxer... but he cant keep dodging with dealing with it, and accepting it happened.

He has never ever spoken to anyone apart from me about this abuse, and I'd really love to help him (and us!).

Does anyone have any advice for him, links to websites, advice for me? advice for our relationship?

I've goggled it and not really come up with many useful links.

Hello

I am so sorry to hear your boyfriend has had to endure this at such a young age, it really is heartbreaking. And very hard on you too- But, you have identified what is going on and he has told you , so that means he trusts you .
My only advice to him would be to consider seeing a counsellor- these are very deep- rooted issues and I personally think it would be very hard for anyone to deal with it without any help. And it needs to be professional help. The gym is great, it gives a way out to the anger and aggressivity he might be feeling, but he also needs to understand what happened and make peace with it, if possible. This might take any amount of time, but I think it is well worth a try. I suffered a lot of abuse as a child as well, so I can tell by experience that my three years of counselling, plus another one before was what saved my relationship and turned me inside out. There are still very tough days, ocassionally, but at least I know why and i have the tools to handle it myself.

As for you, make it clear to him that you are by his side and try not to push the issue if he doesn't want to seek help inmediately. It is a tough position to be in, but you will need to have an iron will to out yourself to one side and weather the tough times when he is not feeling his best. He needs all the unconditional love he can get. May be you can benefit from some form of counselling too, but it is very important he gets to air and explore what happened and his feelings about it in a neutral, non-judgemental setting.

Good luck, I think you are going the right way about it and your boyrfiends will be able to handle it well..

red_devil

id go to the police as this man could still be doing it today?

I would also tell my mother what happened and put her in the picture?

Why should he get away with no-one knowing.

shouldstopspending

Thank you for your replies.

Today he has sent me a link to a website with counsellors, around our areas.. so he is keen (although very scared) to start opening up about this. Its very expensive - £45 per session. How many sessions will he need? I know thats like saying how long is a piece of string.

Of course I will tell him and reassure him that I am next to him 100%.. he shouldn't ever have had to deal with this stuff.

As for telling his Mum, I have also said this, but he is not keen.. as she is approaching 76 years old and he is not sure if her health can take knowing that some man, has done this. For me, I am just not understanding how on earth his mother never knew what this man was doing to her gorgeous little innocent 6 year old boy.

red_devil

what about the police he could be doing this to someone else!

shouldstopspending

To be fair, he is completely crapping himself about speaking to a Counsellor (and me) to bring it to the polices attention.

I did say to him to write down every single feeling and thought regarding the abuse on post it notes, and he could put them in box.. and i'd sellotape them up. I then had a thought of showing these to his mother. Thats mean though and going completely against his wishes.

What would the police do? we are talking YEARS ago now. This man has children, and grandkids now... and when I met him last year I just wanted to wipe the !!!!!! smile off his ugly mug.. and only threw my evil look back in his direction.. so he knew, that i knew.

belfastgirl23

This is a big amount for you both to deal with. There are specialist agencies out there who might be able to support not only your partner but also you, since I think you have also been affected by his experiences. this organisation might be worth checking

http://www.napac.org.uk/

I hope you can both help each other through this.

red_devil

say something then. I know its up to you and your bf but personally i couldnt sit back and let this stay a secret. He deserves to squirm and feel uncomfortable otherwise he gets off scot free and as i said he could still be at it with other children?

Good luck.

shouldstopspending

Thank you so much for that link BelfastGirl... I will take a look around their site when I get home from work tonight.

It just makes me sad.

Step 1 would be get some counseling, for from him, and me... step 2 tell his mother.. step 3.. police.

Any other help, or advice would be appreciated.. :eek:

Raksha

As the victim of rape, I'd support the councelling suggestion - there are sex abuse councellors in most town whose work is suported by donations. I can take many sessions, but I've found it very useful.

Cassa

Hi,

I would urge you not to tell his mother, or go to the police, he told you because he trusted you. His counselling may prompt him to do both these things in his own time, but please don't make that decision on his behalf. He really has enough to deal with now without added turmoil.

Carole