Scared and tired but facing up to it

Firewalker

Here is what I think. First, you mentioned that you 'controled money'. You didn't - this is very similar to what I discovered about us when we found ourselves in big trouble. Thing with money is either you control it or it controls you. So, the thing to aim for from now on is not the regret that 'you will never control money' but to learn how to control it - expenditure, earnings creating a positive balance. Learning how to cope with your 'wants' will help you stop spending without thinking - any spending by choice is likely OK.

Whatever you do, please do not take any decisions now - your syill both shelshocked (for different reasons). Ideas about selling the house and similar are likely not to have much effect - you need a strategy to pay the debt off and learn (mainly about changing your relationship with money). One way to to think about it is - develop a budget according to which you live on about 60% of your income, use 30% to pay debts (I prefer to call it negative wealth) and use 10% to do few fun things (it sounds decadent at the moment but if you don't you are likely to fall off the wagon at some point).

Good luck - it is hard work at first but once you re-gain control over your finances it is such a feeling of empowerment.

Firewalker

kdenty

I feel sorry for your situation Birkee as your wife obviously has a problem with spending. This can be down to many things and it's probably very difficult for you both to understand. Compulsive shopping can be linked to things like depression. It can be an addiction which by definition is hard to stop. You might want to look at Martins new advice pdf about debt and mental health? You could start your own thread I'm sure many of us can offer insights on why spending and credit card debt can easiliy get out of hand.

I think your a bit hard on the original poster asking "what on earth led you into this trail of deception?". I don't think Mrs T set out to decieve her husband. She may have been trying to protect him for all the worry and sleepless nights.

I think in some cases one partner can be left responsible for the finances and it is very easy to get into a difficult situation very quickly. I know myself from borrowing on credit cards - at one point the interest was the same as all I could afford to pay off. Credit card companies make spending so easy, with adverts aimed to make it look like you can easiliy have everything without making anyone aware of the consequences such as...
"She was paying off a credit card bill, but half of what she paid was in interest, so she was throwing money away as well."
She hasn't intended to throw away the money. It's not done on purpose it just ends up like that as you don't fully understand the consequences of using a credit card from the outset.

Mrs T. It sounds like you have a large family - kids and dogs. Which must add a lot to the familiy expenses.
Your husband wants to get rid of the debt ASAP by the sound of it. It really isn't that easy and I agree with other posters don't just sell up and rent . It will probably cost more (thinking of things like estate agent costs, solicitors fees, deposits for renting etc).

Mrs_Trouble

Birkee - I am sorry for your wife's deception and I whole heartedly accept that I deceived my husband. I think it started when I couldn't admit we couldn't afford things, I felt guilty we couldn't and so used credit cards. Of course it is greed on my part of wanting everything but I haven't been and bought plasma TV's, new cars, loads of clothes - the money has gone on us as a family and nothing more. I have no excuses for my deception and I am amazed my Husband will stand by me and want it to work despite the mammoth figure that has been accumulated.

I will start a DMP and I know that I will never ever possess a credit card again, I cannot run up any debt without my husband's knowledge as he will have complete control of everything - and that is both our decision. I have to rebuild his trust and that will take time, and I have to try and start taking away the hurt I have caused him, that may never happen but I will try.

The threat of losing my home and our darling dogs and depriving my children of things that they deserve has shook me to the core and made me faced reality, there really is no hiding.

We have gone through the budget this morning, if the agreed figure goes through with CCCS from my husband's salary he will have a lot to pay off the debt in his name and if he can get a lower interest rate then we can pay if off very quickly, hopefully two years.

He seemed to accept the end in sight might be closer than first thought. Right now he feels he has nothing, but he loves me and that to me is everything.

The dog's have a month's grace whilst the shock subsides.

I cannot answer why I shut my husband out but I wish I hadn't and he is paying the price for my cowardliness now and I regret that deeply. We want to think this can be dealt with in 4 years time and be debt free and finally start living the life he deserves and has worked so hard from.

The guilt I feel is almost suicidal but that is not an answer and that would be a true coward. This has been the hardest weekend but there is a part of me that believes that we might make it the other end and that we will even be closer. He now realises why I am constantly stressed, defensive, secretive and on guard and that has been destroying our marriage anyway.

I wish it was tomorrow and I could speak to the CCCS, my fear is it will be rejected but I will just have to see.

That there are so many people who won't judge me and be supportive makes me feel more positive. Thank you.

Superbiatch

Mrs T - post an SOA, there might be savings to be made. As you've found out no one will judge you as we're all in similar boats. You are thinking with your heart now as you keep mentioning deception but you need to be practical and by trying to make savings on day to day costs you are contributing to getting out of debt even quicker. You've got nothing to lose and lots to gain

dancingfairy

I think you have fallen in to the trap a lot of people have fallen into - your husband works hard (I don't know what you do whether you work/look after the kids etc but I bet you work hard too) and you want him and your family to have the best. Trouble is people think that they need the latest this that and the other thanks to all the advertising and seeing their friends with it and think that because they work hard they can afford all this stuff - sadly people can't afford all these things unless they are earning mega bucks or are extremely careful in some areas to make up for spendng in other areas. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors and I expect a lot of people you know are in debt up to their eye balls- the amount of people on debt free wannabe are testament to that one.
I also suspect that it was overspending here, overspending there and possible a bit of spending to cope with the stress of not being able to afford it. It probably started off small and you thought you could cope,then it got bigger and you couldn't face telling your husband and bigger and you put it off - scared to tell your husband while all the time it spiralled out of control.
I also suspect that while you have said I'll never have control of money again you actually never really had full control in the first place - so this is fact the begining of taking control and you will feel much better when it all settles down.
Take Care
df

Foggster

I might be being very naive here so please forgive me if I am.

Is the debt due to trying to make ends meet? Providing for your family? If it is then stop feeling guilty and ashamed because it is BOTH your problem. Regardless of whoses name is on the debt, if it is a result of trying to afford the day to day living of your family and giving them the best you can then it isnt all your fault. Didnt your husband stop and think where all the money was coming from to pay bills? Isnt he guilty of sticking his head in the sand and assuming all was well? Unless he has some reason for not understanding how a house runs and how much the cost of living is then he is just as responsible and it is very easy for him to load you with the guilt.

Look at the debt again and highlight JOINT/FAMILY debt and show him. Ask him if he ever wondered how you were affording the spending.

Mrs_Trouble

Well I feel I'm finally making some progress.

We are both moving our salaries and direct debits to a separate bank account as I have a card with our current account. I will be making one more month of minimum payments and then when the banking situation is sorted I am going to do a DMP with CCCS.

I have looked at cutting back but I will barely make a dent in the figure and I think now it's time to seek help. I am worried about receiving phonecalls, bailiffs, CCJs but I see no other option.

My husband has been amazing. Yesterday he told me how proud hexwas of me and how we will deal with this as a couple. He is going to deal with his debts by cashing in a policy and using our surplus funds. He should be debt free by November and then he will be able to budget for us and our children can then have the childhood they deserve.

The relief still hasn't sunk in, when he calls me I still think he has found something else out even though there is nothing - I suppose 7 years of lying and being secretive is hard to break.

Last night every single card was cut up except a debit card - the first step in a long journey.

ladymarmalade1970

Please don't get rid of your dogs! You wouldn't get rid of the kids! They are part of your family just as much as the kids and i fear you may live with the guilt forever and it will make it harder to put all this behind you and move forward. Also, think of it from their point of view. They didn't ask to come to you did they. The rescue's are filled up and it's all so unfair. You have probably realised by now i am a dog owner myself and i just can't imagine getting rid of them. There is always a solution to a problem.
Well done for telling your husband and i sincerely wish you all the best in overcoming this hurdle in life.

NeverAgain_2

Mrs T,

Stop blaming yourself for this mess - it cannot be entirely your fault.

You may think your husband is being wonderful now, but I'm afraid I think he's not terribly bright.

I'm no whizz with money, but I know what things cost and it beggars belief your husband didn't realise his family was living way beyond its means for seven years.

Yes, he's being supportive now, but he also needs to give his head a shake.

And be grateful he was a strong-willed wife who is prepared to shoulder more than her fair share of the blame.

Byatt

Mrs T, just wanted to add my encouragement. You must be feeling a mixture of emotions and worn out and hyper all at the same time! :eek:

This is however, better than all those years of stress taking its toll on you and your family, by keeping it a secret. I know, I'm older than you, and the stress has made me physically ill.

I am sure your husband saying that the dogs had to go was a knee jerk reaction and came from shock and wanting to "fix" things quickly. As things slow down a bit, I am sure he will relent.

Take care of yourself, because when the "high" you are in now as you keep busy with sorting things through, drops, you may feel low. And you have been on a constant state of alert for years with adrenalin surges. Try and relax. Your husband works hard, but I am sure you do to. Don't let the guilt make an uneven balance in your relationship. There was an uneven balance with the stressful secret you have kept, so ensure that a balance is there; date nights or cheapie dvd night...have some fun, it doesn't have to cost anything. I am sure fun has not been a big part of your life for a long time with this huge burden you were carrying.:A

Have a look in the old style money saving forum for lots of tips! Great food/menu planning. And a spending diary is something I would recommend. I have a notebook I write in and swear by it. It does make a difference seeing it in black and white! My LBM was last month and athough I have a long way to go, taking control, has made a huge difference to my mental health. From being suicidal to actually enjoying saving and looking at ways to improve my situation!

Good luck. There are some wonderful people here...well done on dealing with this. Remember, you have been raising a family and working whilst handling huge amounts of stress. It can only get better.