Scared and tired but facing up to it

Mrs_Trouble

This is my first time posting on here.

Yesterday my Husband discovered just how much debt we were in. He was aware that we were in debt, but thanks to me concealing it he had no idea how much. I have carried the weight of this debt for so many years, I have forgotten what it was like to not worry, not to lie to my Husband and I cannot remember the last time I slept well. Debt has been part of my whole adult life, I do not know what it is like to be without it.

Sadly my Husband found out by accident as despite trying to pluck up the courage to tell him on so many occasions, writing so many letters, emails, packing a bag in the car for him to kick me out when I told him everything, I still was too cowardly to tell him.

Only last week I was looking at a thread about people who hadn't told their partners. I never imagined for one moment that I would be here a week later with my Husband knowing everything. I can only say to anyone hiding debt, don't, tell your partner now. I wish I had had the courage to do it before.

He is of course absolutely furious with me and I have let him down terribly and feel ashamed of the debt we are in because of my inability to deal with it. He has not however left me as I always thought he would, he is here wanting to sort it out, offering solutions and asking for some honesty.

The hardest thing today was printing everything off for him to see and calculating the horrendous figure. I know there will be many many dark days to come, I don't feel relieved yet but I love my husband and I need to prove to him I can do this and regain his trust.

We have decided that as I have the majority of the debt in my name I will try and negotiate a DMP with CCCS - I have completed their questionnaire and it says I could be debt free inn 5 years. I need to call them on Monday to sort the rest out as I have a few questions to ask. I am however scared stiff of doing this but I know I have to.

I am scared that they will ring me at work and work will find out or that they won't make an arrangement. Effectively I would be paying what I am paying now but hopefully they may stop the interest? Does anyone have any experience on how successful CCCS are and what contact I will have to have with my creditors.

The debt in my Husband's name can be managed we think. We looked at both of us going into a DMP but I believe with hard work we could clear his debt in 2 years.

In the space of 36 hours I have gone from having complete control of finances and hiding a secret to everything being in the open and I will never control money again.

I hope the relief will soon come but I suspect it won't until I know a DMP has been accepted - are they difficult to negotiate?

I am going to change our bank account now, have copies of credit card statements ready to send and ready for whatever ride lies ahead. All I know is that at the end of it I hope to prove to my Husband I was worth staying with.

If anyone can offer me any advice about CCCS or a DMP I would be very very grateful.

Jesthar

Hello, Mrs Trouble, and welcome

Don't beat yourself up so much, m'dear - the road through life isn't always a smooth one. I suspect you will find hubby is more upset that you didn't feel able to tell him rather than the actual money side once he's had a chance to get his head around things.

The important thing is you've had your Light Bulb Moment (known as an LBM around here) and want to change things, and also appreciate it isn't going to happen overnight. I can't offer you any advice on CCCS and Payplay sorry, as I'm a Mortgage Free Wannabe, not a Debt Free Wannabe, but I know that many people here are on very successful DMPs with them.

Now, lets see if we can get you a decent night sleep, eh? You've been reading around here a bit from the sound of it, so you've probably seen Statement of Affairs (SoA) posted around the place? They are a fantastic way to get a comprehensive overview of your finances, and to get advice on whre you could save. You will find our favourite one here:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

It's up to you if you want to put it up here, or just do it for yourself, but I can guarantee some fabulous advice from the people here if you do post it. You *may* (repeat, *may*) even find out you could possibly manage without a DMP, but that will depend on your actual situation of course, so we couldn't tell without the SoA.

Now, creditors. You are right, some of them might kick up a strop, BUT there are laws as to what they can and can't do. Some of them might try it on, but if they do there are plenty of people here to help you sort them out - and template letters already written that you can use, so you don't have to write the letters yourself.

One thing they CAN'T do is contact your place of work; if they do they are in big, well, doo-doo In fact, you can tell your creditors you only want them ro contact you in writing, and they MUST by law respect that (there are template letters for that, too ) - some may well try it on and keep calling for a bit, but then you just report them for illegal harrassment to the OFT. One of the big plusses of a DMP, though, is that CCCS or Payplan will deal with all these things for you, so you just send the creditors to them and they will deal with them for you.

Anyway, you can rest easy tonight knowing that you are going to get this debt dealt with and buried. Yes, it will take time, but you can get there, and hubby is bang alongside you, despite your fears.

*hugs*

~Jes

beanielou

Hello Mrs Trouble.
Welcome to MSE.
The only way now is up.
Keep plodding & keep posting.
You could post a statment of affairs(SOA) & see if there is any way to cut down.

maganan

Oh Mrs T,

I really feel for you, I'm sure that although most of the debt is in your name its not all been incurred just by you!

CCCS are really helpful and easy to deal with in my experience (I'm pretty new to this myself!) and make sure you have enough money to live on. Why not post a SOA and people on here will help make suggestions where you can cut back/save alittle fresh eyes are always useful. Personally facing up to the problem and then starting to deal with it has been the best thing i've ever done, there will be letters and some phone calls but i've never been called at work but i sleep well now, i know i'm doing something about the debt.

Good luck, the hard bits done, its all out in the open and your not shouldering the burden alone x

secretshopper75

Hello Mrs Trouble and welcome, I was exactly the same as you, DH knew we had debts but not to the extent that it is/was...I never thought I'd be able to tell him but I did and I can now go out without unplugging the phone, don't have to race home to hide the letters and can actually sleep at night...good luck.

Mrs_Trouble

Thank you for all the replies.

The CCCS suggested a DMP of £794 per month which is doable and will leave the rest of my salary and my Husband's salary to deal with the other debts.

Although he is being supportive, I know he cannot bear to look at me and hates me right now. Earlier in the day he seemed so much calmer and now he is asking me questions again and again that I just cannot answer. I also know that I have had the knowledge of this for years he has had it for a few hours. I feel so sorry for the position I have put us in.

I will ring CCCS first thing on Monday morning to see what else I need to do.

I am relieved that they cannot contact me at work and I will be able to deal with home phone calls now that the truth is out.

I don't think I'll sleep tonight but maybe I'll get there eventually.

Thank you

sutters

Hi there - Keep logging onto these threads over time as they really are very helpful and will give you comfort. I am new in the last weekish and the sense of community is lovely. Everyone wants to help and that is the way it should be!

Now you have started discussions with your husband, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that and you will be debt free before you know it.:j

So many people out there live high flying lifestyles (I'm not saying you do) and I think a lot are quite happy to be running up credit cards etc as they assume they have the right to have anything they want. You are not alone and you have decided to do something about it now. Good for you.:beer:

Jesthar

Hey Mrs Trouble

One thing I forgot to mention earlier (oops! ) was the idea of keeping a spending diary - this is simply a spreadsheet in which you list everything you spend every month. I have one, it helps me to keep me overpaying the mortgage. You said you had your statements to hand, so why not start a diary going back as far as you can? It might help answer some of the questions you are both asking

~Jes

Superbiatch

Hi Mrs Trouble

You might not realise it at this very moment, but you are actually more in control of your money than ever before You can now take the bull by the horns and deal with what has been causing you sleepless nights for a very long time.

Good luck on your debt free journey and in time your husband won't think any less of you, after all he's partly to blame for spending the money too even if he wasn't aware of how much had been racked up.

Best wishes

SB x

eyeopener2

He will come round. It make take a few days or even a few weeks but he will forgive. It's not the money usually, its the deceit, as I know all too well.

My wife kicked me out, it was horrible, but by showing that I could sort it out with CCCS then she gradually forgave me and we are now so much closer.

Ten months in and things are great. I regret a great many things but the main one was not asking for my wifes help when I first started getting into trouble.

I will be debt free in 2 1/2 years or so but will be forever in debt to my wife for forgiving me.

CCCS will help you through it. It isn't easy at first, but it will settle down and you will be skint (or at least feel like you are) but its possible to live and pay your dues at the same time.

Good luck and try not to worry too much.

canidothis

Jesthar wrote: »

Hey Mrs Trouble

One thing I forgot to mention earlier (oops! ) was the idea of keeping a spending diary - this is simply a spreadsheet in which you list everything you spend every month. I have one, it helps me to keep me overpaying the mortgage. You said you had your statements to hand, so why not start a diary going back as far as you can? It might help answer some of the questions you are both asking

~Jes

Is there a spreadsheet that can be shared? I realise everyones outgoings would be different but I would love some help in setting up a spending spreadsheet.