Am I being spoilt and any childminders?

onlyroz

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Onlyroz: that is something I will look into. I hadn't considered that, but given what I know of my employer, they wouldn't laugh me out of the building for suggesting it. I will broach the subject with my boss. Thanks!

If they have an issue with this it is likely to be for health-and-safety reasons, i.e. they will not want to be held responsible if something were to happen. If you make it clear that the child will be your responsibility then I think an enlightened employer would be OK.

I remember when my son was a baby I'd take him into meetings with me - I was a PhD student at the time, and it greatly amused our dutch colleges to have a baby sitting in the corner whilst we conducted our business. But I think that a university is probably a different kettle-of-fish to a regular employer when it comes to things like this.

Judith_W

this is by no means a cheap option but would certainly help! www.emergencychildcare.co.uk You can get nursery places, childminders or nannies with as little as 2 hours notice. I think there is also a fee to join so not ideal but if it stops you looking bad for your work may be worth it, could you even claim some expenses towards it...?

otherwise your OH work should really allow unpaid leave for this

Judith_W

What about asking your friend but say you will pay her as you feel you have relied on her a bit much lately?

Plans_all_plans

Yes I did ask my husband if he'd take dependent's leave if my parents weren't able to come up.

euronorris

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Yes I have said this to my mum in the past, but it's been more along the lines of jokingly saying "are you seriously doing x, y and z for so-and-so? You'd tell me to stop whining and get on with it if I asked you!"

I don't think that this is really telling your Mum that you'd like to receive more help, or that you think she is giving too much help to the other lady. It came accross (to me) more as you having a whinge about the lady not being able to cope, when you are.

So, perhaps try and approach it differently by asking why she requires more help, and pointing out that you would really appreciate it if your Mum was able to help you out now and then with similar things. She may disagree, or have reasons for it, but at least the channels of communication are opened on the subject and you can both understand each other better.

Plans_all_plans

Hi euronorris, when I say things like that jokingly to my mum, she says:

"I tell you to get on with it, because we brought you up to capable of getting on with things. Jane is incapable of sorting out x,y and z because her parents have always spoilt and mollycoddled her so now she hasn't got a notion about real life".

That is what annoys me: the woman is 35 years old (10 years my senior) and my mum takes her kids to playgroup and ferries her parents round like a chauffeur all because she thinks she's at a disadvantage as her parents always have (and continue to) shield her from life's realities! She's never going to learn if people are on hand to help her all the time.

I suppose I'm cross that I've asked for help for the first time in years and not got it, when this other one seems to get weekly help from my mum!!

euronorris

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Hi euronorris, when I say things like that jokingly to my mum, she says:

"I tell you to get on with it, because we brought you up to capable of getting on with things. Jane is incapable of sorting out x,y and z because her parents have always spoilt and mollycoddled her so now she hasn't got a notion about real life".

And then you say 'Well Mum, how is she ever going to learn if you all continue to do stuff for her? And, you know, sometimes I could really use and appreciate your help. I'm not asking you to help out all the time, just every now and then would mean so much to me. Can you think about it please?'.

Of course, it is up to you. Sometimes, people become set in a routine of treating someone a certain way and it can be hard for them to realise that there are other ways for things to be done. Not wrong or right, just different.

andrealm

To be fair, it does sound as if your mum would have helped you out on this occasion, if she hadn't already agreed to help her friends out. If she hadn't, she would have probably been happy to help out

I can understand that it's annoying if your mum seems to help her friends in situations where she would expect you to get on with it. But maybe there's a good reason why your mum and her friends feel they need to offer the daughter support. She could have suffered from mental health problems, for example, so they may feel she needs the help.

Plans_all_plans

I know, but it falls on deaf ears euronorris!

Honestly, my mum's like an amateur psychiatrist: "so and so needs help", "why mum?", "oh, because when they were young they had some sort of traumatic experience and now they can't work cos they have emotional problems, so I give them money them cos they're incapable and their benefits aren't enough" Then I say "mum, you're not doing them any favours, you're just reinforcing their ingrained workshy attitude and they're taking the mick out of you etc" Then she says to me "you don't understand the profound effects x, y and z will have on someone growing up" Honestly, we just end up going round in circles!! And this is about everyone she meets, it's not just this one woman!!!

This recent issue is the culmination of a lot of frustrations I have about the way my mum treats me like I'm some sort of fortress and everyone else is going to crumble at the first sign of a problem.

Anyway, I'm veering off at a tangent now! I'll leave this thread now cos I've had some good advice already. Thanks all!!

ETA: andrealm, the friend's daughter doesn't have mental health problems, she has a charmed life and that's it. No idea about anything cos she's always had everyone do everything for her from the day she was born!

andrealm

Do you know for sure that she's never had have mental health problems? People don't always want to shout about it from the rooftops.
Maybe she struggles with her children, for whatever reason, and people feel she needs help.