daughter's marriage in trouble

hippygran

Newly retired

What a terrible time for all the family, your daughter, the kids, the husband and you!

The only thing you can do now is show your support for them all, try not to be judgemental or take sides.

Only the two people directly involved in a marriage can say what their marriage is really like.

Years ago people stayed together whether the marriage was good or not, whether they were 'happy', or not.

In the mid-80's I was the very first member of my immediate family to get divorced, and it was a huge shock to my family, as they always thought I was happy. But no-one can really know what goes on behind closed doors!! I was good at putting on a front!! My mum was non too pleased (but she came round in the end), my dad was fully supportive from the day I broke the news. Other members of the immediate family ostracized me (and one in particular I still have no contact with 25 years later!).

Such a shame as we were a very close-knit family unit consisting of aunts and uncles as well. I still miss Sunday lunches and Christmas dinners as part of this set-up. My mum never spoke to the aunt who was so condemning until she died, which was quite recently really!

In modern days couples have a choice of whether a marriage is worth saving or not. Sometimes it is a rough patch, sometimes its just a no-goer, sometimes something more sinister, but only your daughter and her husband can decide their future, as only they know what their marriage is really like!

Give both parties your love and support (without taking sides), give your grand children your love and support. Love and support doesn't necessarily have to be financial.

Whether your daughter is right or wrong, whatever the reasons, you should still support her. If she is unhappy, staying wont make her happy, it wont make the children happy, and long term unhappiness may make both parents unable to give the children the quality of parenting they deserve and need. A really unhappy mum is often not a 'good' mum!

Wish you, your daughter, son-in-law and the children all the best and hope they come out of this the other end more settled and happier for it.

Newly_retired

What a lovely post. Thank you hippygran.

Sublime_2

Just dropped by, to say hi again, and hope things are getting sorted out. Its not an easy situation, I know. xx

Newly_retired

No further news at the mo, but thanks.

Angela_D_3

My husband and I are both from so called broken homes, he has a great relationship with both his parents loves them dearly and they him, I can hardly look at mine at times, I haven't seen my father in 8 years.
The difference is the way the two sets of parents handed the divorce. DH's parents never said a bad word in front of him about each other, kept him out of the details and have always reassured him of their love.
Mine held nothing back, were toxic towards each other and since I was 50% of both of them surely I must be all the things they called each other right ? Took me years to shake that off.
As long as the adults behave like adults there's no reason this needs to be a great disaster, especially for the children but both must be strong and you're support is vital.
Good luck
xx

Newly_retired

Thanks for that. My son paid me a compliment recently, he said he felt his dad and I had handled our break up well, when he was a child.
No further news of my daughter at the moment.

chesky369

The problem about handling break-ups well, as my husband and I did, is that our children thought for years that we'd get back together again, as we got on so well. My daughter only told me this about a year or so ago and I was staggered as it seemed so obvious to me that it would never happen.

Newly_retired

My daughter moves out next week. I don't know any more details, mainly because I didn't want to. I needed time to think. My main concern is for the grandchildren. I shall continue to offer my support to both their parents.

RuthnJasper

Newly-Retired,

I just wanted to say that I think your grandchildren are SO lucky to have such a loving and concerned grandfather. I am sure that your support will mean a great deal to them for all their years to come.

Good luck with your situation - but, with regard to your original question, I would say that your daughter seems to have thought about her decision and you should feel under no obligation to give her money - unless she is going into a situation which would put the children at risk, in which case I hope their father would also step in.

With very best wishes.

Newly_retired

Well she has moved out now, taking very little with her. The children will alternate between houses various days of the week but 50:50 over a fortnight.
To her credit she has not asked for any financial help, just the usual bit of childcare in the school holidays.
I have't seen the new place yet. Nowhere for me to sleep there at the moment so I might buy a sofa bed - for me!