daughter's marriage in trouble

Newly_retired

Thanks for your replies.
I was trying to keep it MSE by ref to house etc, but to me it represents so much of their personal investment which is NOT financial.
I honestly do not know enough about their relationship and even if I did, that is their business so I would not give details on a forum.
As far as I am aware, there is nobody else involved. They are both so busy juggling home and family and jobs and some serious hobbies that they have not had time for anyone else.
Yes of course I will support her, but at the moment I cannot agree with what she is doing, which makes it difficult for me . Not that it is about me!
I wish I lived nearer so I could be of more practical help for the children.

sukysue

You just need to support them all at such a difficult time, you may feel devastated at the moment but this may be the best thing for them, like you said you don't know enough about their relationship to judge.

catfish50

Newly_retired wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.
I was trying to keep it MSE by ref to house etc, but to me it represents so much of their personal investment which is NOT financial.
I honestly do not know enough about their relationship and even if I did, that is their business so I would not give details on a forum.
As far as I am aware, there is nobody else involved. They are both so busy juggling home and family and jobs and some serious hobbies that they have not had time for anyone else.
Yes of course I will support her, but at the moment I cannot agree with what she is doing, which makes it difficult for me . Not that it is about me!
I wish I lived nearer so I could be of more practical help for the children.

It's really hard to be a long way from your child and your grandchildren when you feel they need you. I have the same problem. But then I remind myself that grown-up children have to make their own way in life and it's not up to us mothers to agree or disagree with their decisions. It's agony seeing your child unhappy -- so hard to keep from trying to make it all right as if they were still little. But they know more about what's right for them than we do. A lesson I keep having to re-learn.

Your daughter probably needs your love and sympathetic understanding much more than she needs your opinion, or even your money.

Hang in there, just keep letting her know she can call on you for help IF she needs to.

sukysue

Wise words indeed Catfish!

birkee

Newly_retired wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.
I was trying to keep it MSE by ref to house etc, but to me it represents so much of their personal investment which is NOT financial.
I honestly do not know enough about their relationship and even if I did, that is their business so I would not give details on a forum.
As far as I am aware, there is nobody else involved. They are both so busy juggling home and family and jobs and some serious hobbies that they have not had time for anyone else.
Yes of course I will support her, but at the moment I cannot agree with what she is doing, which makes it difficult for me . Not that it is about me!
I wish I lived nearer so I could be of more practical help for the children.

Sorry if that was the impression I gave newley, but when I said "The question is WHY", I didn't mean for you to reveal it on forum, I meant that, unless you know why, you can't judge whether you agree with her or not.

NJS123_2

This has obviously come as a big shock, and when any relationship ends - even if it is not your own, but it's still your family - then it is natural to experience a period of grieving. I know you say you cannot agree with what she is doing, and that may never change but be aware that a lot of your feelings and emotions right now will be driven by this shock.

Maybe in a few weeks time you will feel more able to offer the emotional support that she may need, even if financial or more practical support isn't required. It really sounds to me as if you are struggling to come to terms with the shock of this news and struggling to reconcile how you be there fore her, when you are morally opposed to the decision.

Take some time to reflect first would be my advice.

pollypenny

I know where you are coming from, NR. My DD has made so many stupid mistakes and we've bailed her out more than once.

It's a rare marriage that doesn't go through a bad patch and what a pity she can't work through it.

chesky369

Seen this situation from both sides. Thirty years ago, I decided my marriage just wasn't working for either of us but my husband just wouldn't admit it. All our friends and my family were staggered as we had seemed 'the ideal couple' - just good acting. I remember my mother saying 'you fool, life will be so hard' and it was. However, I never regret it.

Fast forward 27 years, 29 years or so and both my son and daughter have had their partnerships end, both on their decisions. I could thoroughly sympathise. I could also lend a sympathetic ear to their woes and help when called upon - though not usually financially. They just needed to let off steam or moan or be sad. Judgement is not what is needed right now - your daughter will still be raw and frightened at what she's doing, even though she is certain it's right. You just have to let her know that she will get through things.

There's nothing to stop you from keeping in touch with your son in law, but don't discuss your daughter with him. Loyalty at all price - that's what families are for.

maxmycardagain

we never had "Relate" or marriage counselling in my day, the wife and I would shut ourselves in the lounge and she would then knock seven bells out of me till I agreed with her..........

maxmycardagain

Tis a long long road that has nae bends in it................

Is it better they stay together an be unhappy for years - which kids pick up on - or make a break now and get on with a new life?

Ive been down both roads now, theres no sat nav to help with this one....